"its in His hands"

that's what we keep telling ourselves
that's what i keep telling myself

i've been asked if it means something
and my own answer surprised me when i had to explain, yes, and why


i feel like God's always present, yeah? and always will be
but i just wish the thought of it, or that presence itself
didn't feel as distant as it did now


distant like a memory
or a 'last week'
or a 'next week'
thing

that either occured in the past or future, but for now
im still looking for
wishing, and hoping for

and miss
like..
a lot


but i -know-
and can tell at the same time how near He is
and is trying to be


=/


"it's in His hands"

when i say "it"
i've always in my mind referred to a situation
either the present condition or the outcome of a situation

-it's- always in His hands


i tried to explain this to Mandy
and while asking for clarification, she goes...
do you mean you're in His hands?

and i paused to think--wait
that would be an obvious yes...you would think
or a thought that..you would also think...i've thought before
which im sure, its almost a given in the back of my mind
and logically

but that sentence itself
that..-me-...my actual SELF...
that IM in HIS hands...

to actually..picture my -self- in His hands

...

is a whole different story

it wasn't what i meant


...but maybe it should have been included?
maybe it should have been included to begin with


i'm realizing just how good i am at dettaching myself to things
situations, people, and things...


just..
being there
but not

almost compartimentalizing

i can leave the situation in His hands
and like..wash my hands of it
leave it in His
and know
and believe that He's got it covered

i've been learning to be at peace with that

with letting go


...but to actually..
let..my -self- go..
to..not just touch or hold onto those hands for like..support..or guidance every now and then
or soemthing to hold..
but to hold onto those hands
as if
...
because

of having nothing left

and having let -everything else- go

and to put..
my SELF at risk..
my emotions
that i've gotten so good at dettaching
to put not just that image of me
but my actual self
and heart

on the line

to get hurt?

and then register
and know
that even then--it'll be okay?

....that's a whole nother story

....that's..
so much more growing
than i cant say

im not
completely
and positively
terrified of

so much more growing
that i can..
honestly be sure
i'd know how to handle

...but i guess
that's the point isn't it?

...i don't have to be the one to handle it

if i trust in Him

that He already is