i am judas' kiss

you say good morning

and good evening

day is done

and you've come to find

the words are fleeting
i hear your quiet,

breathing

...is something wrong?

the refrain

"...i'm a monster."

after a long pause,
and an episode of tears that had spent too long uncried
and words left too long unspoken
and truth too painful to be told
and pain too real
to have to take the responsibility
to have caused

these were the only words left
and my friend uttered them in defeat
horror, shock, and repulsion

she saw for the first time who she was
and she hated every part of it
she saw for the first time, for the millionth time
what she could do nothing but reject, fully
for the first millionth time, for the...zillionth time
her body was shaking with sobs

and i wish i had a more comforting answer
and i wish i had a more profound response
but all i could do instead--
was feel relieved

as if her words had just unveiled
a curtain of uncertainty
and in the process crumbled off some weight
in my cement shoes of expectations
that i had to live up,
heavy steps suddenly lightening
in my struggle to continue forwards

"...yes."
i blinked
and inhaled a breath
her words surprised me
and uttered freedom

"we all are, aren't we...?"

freedom from the expectation
or the performance driven faith
to think that i could be anything otherwise
on my own efforts.

"i feel like..that's just it, isn't it? that's the truth. and we are."

freedom lightened a weight
i hadn't even realized was on my chest

"who are we to expect to be more than or otherwise?"

i looked at her
with the most love i'd been able
to feel for her brokenness
in a long time

"you are a monster."

she winced at my initial response,
but by now i found myself dumbfounded with her
and realizing the urgency of gathering my words
before they could be translated to another hurt
another lie, for her to keep and carry with her
for who knows how much longer

"i am too. so is she. we all are. that's...that's the point isn't it?"

...isn't it?

"that's the point of the gospel."

that's the beauty of grace

"that we're all monsters."

and even though we are--even though
in a way..as long as we're in this world...we always will be
that He loved us any way

"But He loves us anyway."

that's present tense.
i forgot about that--
but that's important.

"and that knowledge in itself...
that Truth above all else
means we're gonna be okay."

i doubt i said it half as eloquently--
or anywhere even vaguely articulate as i quoted to up there
but whatever it was--it's..
it's what i meant to say
it's what i wish i could articulate now
explain even just a little bit now

i feel like the song is a good representation of it.

The father of lies
Coming to steal
Kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

"...i'm a monster."

The devil is preaching
The song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation

"...yes."

Could the father of lies
Be telling the truth
Of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death
Then death is mine
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

"well...we all are, aren't we?"

Oh the devil’s singing over me
An age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray

"that's the point of the Gospel."

Singing the first verse so conveniently

"That we all are."

He’s forgotten the refrain

"But He loves us anyway."

Jesus saves!

maybe it isn't about
how good we can be
maybe it isn't about
how spiritual, how right,
how commendable, admirable,
beautiful, or perfect
we can sculpt ourselves
expect ourselves
or be proud of ourselves
to be able to live up to be

...as much as it is about

just how LOVED we are
in spite of that
in spite of ourselves
in spite of our shortcomings
in spite of the inevitability
of our failures

that the beauty of it all

is that it isn't
on us anymore

it isn't up to us
to save
ourselves

because if we open our hearts
to receive this love
that reaches, embraces, and pours out to us

then we'd see
that we were already
saved
to begin with

and our lives can be
an appreciation,
a cry of joy,
a celebration
of that freedom

maybe being broken
isn't so hopeless
after all

but a tangible
representation
of the kind of hope
the kind of love

love
that we didn't deserve
could never deserve
but to this day
and for all eternity
keeps us alive

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.
Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person,
though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners,
Christ died for us."
-Romans 5:6-8

the tired song

Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything

...but.

• unpack (some more)
• grocery shop (done)
• laundry (done)
• read (almost)
• run (maybe tmrw)
• go on a walk (check)
• call home (check)
• watch a movie (sorta)
• finish listening to sermon (somehow)
• paperwork for CCL (did i lose that?)
• clean up the fort
• organize books to sell
• mail old and very late presents
• deposit paychecks
• work on a budget (again)
• call csus
• work on resume (with ray)
  
• submit that one
  
• work on another resume (sac children's home)
  
• submit that one too
  
• begin scheduling gre study schedule
  
• read boundaries
• read boundaries in dating
• call that # for ucc
• clothes ready for sales at work
• phonecall w/ kevin
• dinner with justin
• shoe date with collin
• eventual support meeting w/ gabe
• chart previous mileage for sales at work
• change nail polish to be work appropriate
• mas grocery basics shopping; ie: contact lens soln and more shampoo soon
• return allergy medicine
• figure out support stuff
• buy that book by something sedaris to read for fun
• stop stressing out about all these little details and take an effy NAP already--or better yet, stop converting sleep times into naps and enjoy a FULL nights sleep for once
• ...inhale. exhale. destress. visually--it actually doesn't have to be that bad. i think i just need a good night's sleep and i'm set.
  
• forgive self for silly to do lists
  
• < 3
  

Oh
Today I don’t feel like doing anything
Nothing at all
Nothing at all
Nothing at all

love letter

dear God,

i was reading about boundaries today, and it started talking about love.

"our ability to give and respond to love is our greatest gift.
the heart of God fashioned in His image is the center of our being.
its ablities to open up to love and to allow love to flow outward are crucial to life."

and i started thinking about all of the love,
i have so apparently been surrounded with
yet i continue to let myself mope
as if its presence is somehow
sometimes not worth acknowledging
as if the pain should be greater than there
as if i would be letting my guard down to believe otherwise.

"many people have difficulty giving and receiving love because of hurt and fear.
having closed their heart to others, they feel empty and meaningless."

by shying away from expressing and being who i really am--
in settings like the workplace, the shelter, the rehab center--
am i closing my heart off from even being seen or recognized by others?

"the Bible is clear about both functions of the heart:
the receiving of grace and love inward and the flow outward."

i've tried to practice that--but oddly enough i've tried to do so
while keeping my own heart hidden away
protected by my insecurities and lies

im not saying that fear isnt valid
im just saying--
that maybe something else should be more so.

"listen to how the Bible tells us how we should love: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind...Love your neighbor as yourself' (Matt 22:37, 39).

how do i love others without first learning how to love myself
how do i love God with my all,
when my 'all' is too preoccupied with everything else
how do i expect my 'neighbor'
to feel anything more than the same insecure
unsteady identity to me, as i limit myself to feeling towards them

"and how we should receive love: 'we have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. we are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. as a fair exchange speak as to my children--I open wide your hearts also.'(2 Cor 6:11-13)

i think that would fall under
my cynic spectrum of:
'easier said than done'

"our loving heart, like our physical one, needs an inflow as well as an outflow of lifeblood. and like its physical counterpart, our heart is a muscle, a trust muscle. This trust muscle needs to be used and exercised, if it is injured it will slow down or weaken."

like my atrophied upper arm strength D:

"we need to take responsibility for this loving function of ourselves and use it. Love concealed or love rejected can both kill us.

many people do not take ownership for how they resist love. they have a lot of love around them, but do not realize that their loneliness is a result of their own lack of responsiveness.

often they will say, 'others' love can not 'get in.'

this statement negates their responsbility to respond. we maneuver subtly to avoid responsibility in love; we need to calm out hearts as our property and work on our weaknesses in that area."

lines like that make me realize just how much responsibility i try to dodge in every form.

"it will open up life to us."

and lines like that unblur the picture a little bit
of the consequences that disowning those responsibilities can have
would have, quite possibly has

"we need to take responsibility for all of the above area of our souls. these lie within our boundaries. but taking care of what lies within our boundaries isn't easy; neither is allowing other people to take care of what lies within their boundaries."

sometimes it feels like a more frustrating cause if we were trying to get into those boundaries we werent allowed to be messing with to begin with--self righteousness taking importance over love. not to confuse with love through honesty as any less valid...but honesty comes with love. sometimes we ourselves are so caught up in the chance to say 'i told you so' that we forget that saying so, either verbally or non verbally, easily warps our original good intention into just another grey brick on the lovely path to self righteousness


"setting boundaries and maintaining them is hard work."

we've got another understatement.

..but at least we know it's understood.

im falling asleep at this point so i feel like im getting jumbled and my points are no longer clear.


but i guess i just wanted to say that this letter,
and any more after it in my journal
will my my literal attempt to respond
first in words,
since they're the best way i know how,
and hopefully followed soon
by action
and love.

in your holy name i pray that we all pray--
amen,