disheartening

that's...present-tense

not the wise, reflect back and think, past tense

its the

its happening

right now

and for who knows

how much longer

with no end

in the

foreseeable

future

....tense

maybe i'm just tired

maybe thats the tired-ness speaking

but i could go all metaphorical here

and say its symbolically tired

of the world--kind of tired

rather than the physical, literal,

i haven't slept much in a few days

authentic tired

speaking

(again, present-tense)

lets see here

here is

elk grove

a city with good parts

and bad parts

a city with deceptively good looking parts

in the midst of turbulent waves

of definition of bad parts

an easily accessible good part

to the bad part that not only seeps in

but actively reaches in

and takes

and takes

and takes

all it can

until the lines start to blur

on what parts are good

and what parts are bad

until you wonder

what was so good

about them

anyway

and why should we call bad

what we so easily fall into

identifying with

...and being

identified

by

(just like they were)

dis

dis dis

let's see

something

dis..suade

being persuaded

away from something

unconvinced? opposite of convince

made doubtful of an original perspective

or decision

or action

and lean towards

a different course

of action

or opinion

dis...located

like,

from a significant impact

enough to put some things

painfully

out of place

from where they were

comfortably

before

dis...illusioned

literal definition is

'disappointed in someone or something

that one discovers to be less good

than one had believed'

that brings the words

disappointed

and discovered

sad and displeased because someone

or something failed to meet expectations

hopes prevented from being realized

discover

is to find something

unexpectedly

now we have

displeased

to make someone feel annoyed

or dissatisfied

dissatisfied

fail to satisfy

dis dis dis

dis...pair. (ahah, jk)

dis...ease

(now we're getting more creative)

a disorder of structure or function

in a human or animal

now we're hitting the nail on the head

disorder

a state of confusion

possibly chaos

i could go on for days, i guess

i mean, after that

there's disrupt

like, disrupting of systematic functioning

or disarrange/disarray

that kinda describes how it leaves me feeling too

in a state of disorganization or untidiness

like i've been thrown into something

or dropped an armful of things

i'm hurrying to pick back up again

as they continue to fall from my clumsy arms

my clumsy arms

that just yesterday

allowed itself

to semi hug

a stranger

a stranger

who asked me for money

to buy diapers for his kids

and infant formula

so that when the social worker comes the next day

his babies

wont be

taken away

the numbers changed,

of how much he wanted

it increased as soon as he saw i was gonna help

he was so eager

supposedly thankful--

well

im sure thankful

he was supposedly honest--

something i know not to be true

he lied to my face, most likely

i was put in a dangerous situation

he wanted me to look in his trunk

he was probably waiting for me by my car

he asked how old i was

and asked if i was a student

he was so supposedly thankful for my help

that he reached out to give me a slight hug

i cringed--rightfully so

then was the one to apologize

for being hesitant

and he said he understood

cuz he was this big black guy in a parking lot

and i told him

im sure it was hard for him too

to come up to a total stranger

because of his situation

i said this

without fully realizing

the gravity of my own

(situation)

and he walked away--

and i asked him again

what his name was

and i said wait

and looked for any change

to give him

since i was short a dollar

of what he asked

...im so

stupid

im sure he thought so too

he said he'd be praying for me

and my family

i told him

thank you

my family

is really

important to me

i dont even know

what to say at this point

i've ran the scenario over and over again in my mind

how dumb i was,

for falling for it--no

how dumb i was

that even though

i didnt fall for it

that i gave him what he wanted

anyway

(money)

i was in a dangerous position

anything could have happened

i was scared

so i wanted to run away

i just knew that giving him the money he asked for

for his supposed baby

was the fastest way

to do that

im so dumb

so dumb

so dumb

ive been scolded three--four..five times over now

and rightfully so

by different people

for what i had done

heart break

is more pungent

and saddening

tear jerking

and makes you want

to reach out

even more

this feeling

feels like

a bitter

poison

i've ingested

tainting

my whole body

from the inside

out

it makes me want to

close up

protect myself

walk faster

avoid eye contact

keep a straight face

when smiled at

stay unphased

when cried to

and be as cold

as the rest of the world

has probably

been

to them

already

the kind of cold

that now emanates

from their own body

and their own

rock solid

broken

hearts

this feeling

makes me want to

close up

and stay silent

speak only

to cry out

in anger

an anger

that was once pain

squeezed under

the pressure

of my suffocating

throat

and all that can escape of it

is anger

while the pain itself

remains

stuck

in my throat

making it harder to breathe

to swallow

to speak

kind words

that no longer

feel

...that no longer

feel

kind words

that are

out of place

kind words

that are

rarely spoken

kind words

that come out

as stupidity

and treated as such

...punished

as such

disheartening:

"to cause someone to lose determination or confidence"

a verb, an action, a feeling

a truth

besides feeling stupid

for giving an obviously lying/hustling guy

money

a guy who attempted to put me in a dangerous place

a guy who crossed my boundaries

and made me feel

unsafe

besides feeling stupid

i feel

dishearten...ing

going on

i dont want to say

disheartened

although

i probably

am

im just scared

that to say it

would mean

i gave into it

when in truth

part of me

still wants

desperately

to fight it

to believe

in something

greater

than it

the it

that i see

that you and i all see

going on

in the world

deception, pain, purposeful hurt

breaking, numbing, ignored

voices

and bleeding

scars

either not yet fully healed

and tearing again

or once damaged, and healed

only to be torn

once again

i feel

disheartened

(there, i gave in)

that the world

is the way it is

i feel disheartened,

and all of the above dis's

i feel like ive been denied

some right

to dream

to hope

to be justified

in being kind

im scared--of course

for my safety

im beating myself up

for actions

when i should have known better

but also

im disappointed

in a world

that continues

to thrive

on hurting

each other

i guess it could have just been a small encounter

i guess i dont have to let it own me--

though i should still remember it clearly

so im better prepared

and well equipped

for next tine

but to me

it was

disheartening

to be lied to

and know it

to choose

to be kind

and be left as

nothing but

dumb

for it

Lord,

please be bigger

than the reality

i see

in front of me

now

thank you for opening my eyes

please help me

to stop covering them

how painful it must be

for you

to love

people like us

for You to

see us

as clearly

as you do

and still reach out

your hand

to us

who do nothing

but hurt it

and hurt You

Lord, please lift our spirits

because

it hurts

this world

hurts

please

remind us

that You're

bigger

and in control

that You

matter more

and will protect us

that there IS room

for kindness

that there IS room

for grace

that there IS room

for trust

...even if its

just

towards You

dont let these breaking hearts

freeze over

don't let these bleeding scars

drain

all thats left

of who we are

and leave us with

nothing

Lord,

fill us up

i want to Hope

again

i want to

be safe

be wise

be protected

be brave--

courageous

to protect

to heal

to speak truth

to live

(not just to 'win')

Lord,

i

want

to

believe

in something

i want to believe

in You

i couldn't possibly

dear hannah the practical adult of the near future,

i don't know how i could ever rightfully consider myself a grown up

unless i have successfully purchased and claimed THIS bag

...Could i possible justify it in smaller form,

as a hiking bag?

i think there was a robot version i wanted before

(hey, ray! you could fit your camera in it =O )

but this one--though id love to take to school with me

and prefer the smaller form--

this one would never fit my laptop

leaving me with the conclusion

that i have found my not-so-ridiculous-and-impractical-looking

small bag to use possibly if hiking short distances?

(id like to commend myself here

on convincingly adding any merit to rabbit with a monocle

as a worthy and practical asset)

/end desperate attempt to convince myself to splurge on anything with a monocle,

hannah

you know you're older than you meant to be

when...

a new haircut

no longer makes you feel like a new person

instead, you come to accept

that hair length changes

really might just be

hair length changes

(yaay end of mid-life crises and regret sessions after every haircut)

when...

you start to think maybe match.com

isn't as ridiculous

as everyone thinks it is

but have still decided in advance

that your children may not touch the internet till they're mature enough

or 40

^it's like dating

but with technology

when

you talk about marriage

with people

who openly confess hobbies like

sketching wedding dresses

and rather than being silly

actually have more than enough reason

to be doing so

when

filing cabinets

suddenly seem like

a really good idea

like

in a mostly practical approach

(mostly)

when lifelong friends

becomes a list of people

of very real

very trusted people

and vibrant memories

rather than a dream

a hope, a 'maybe someday'

or a hesitant unknown

when you start making cultural references

or quoting tv lines, or identifying

very, very identifiable characters

and your 13, 11, and 9 year old cousins

have no idea what you're talking about

and laugh along with you

only to pause

and innocently ask

what a brady bunch is D:

when your dad starts talking about GRANDCHILDREN

as if--no, more like BECAUSE he actually really wants them

and even dares to have a hint of impatience

as he lists all the things he wants to do

with his future grandchildren

while your unmarried, nowhere near engaged self

can do nothing but nod and smile

and wait for the subject to change

(that's a lie btw--

we had a pretty in depth conversation over hair

cuz apparently my dad wants to give em corn rows

while i prefer more of a fohawk till im brave enough for a mohawk--

yknow, get all the rebellion out of the way while they're young

and still vaguely manage-able)

when you realize that where you live

is a decision that you have to make yourself

and that your actions toward that decision

will count and affect you

and the people around you

and the way you live your life

not just temporarily--

but quite possibly for years

or permanently

(and then you start to wonder

if you ever really knew what the weight of the word 'settled' meant

when you signed up to race towards it with everyone else

of if you just went along with it the way

you thought people should

cuz you're nowhere near it

so why worry)

when watching food network

makes you a little bitter towards

all the unhealthy diner meals

they keep advertising

that you cant have

not just cuz you cant cant cuz they're far away

but cuz you know you may never

un-painfully allow yourself

to eat things like that

without committing sepukku

five times over in your head

for dishonoring your high-cholesterol ancestors

with such lack of discipline

and shameless indulgence

when the word fiber counts

and one of your fave categories of food

is veggies

cuz you can eat as much as you want

without feeling guilty

on the topic of food--lets not forget

when you actually follow cooking blogs

and read through magazines for recipes

and rather than just feeling proud of being able to make pasta

or work with one type of meat

you start to worry if someday your family

will get bored of what you cook

and get that much further away

from your college days

when the only goal when entering a kitchen

was to come out with anything edible

and accomplishment meant

you got away with a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast

had food left over from eating out the night before for lunch

and dinner was able to be made in 15 minutes

nothing impressive--but something that looked like food at all

when you have a bed time

...again

(thought you left those days behind)

when your friends

have a bed time

(at least you're not alone)

when your parents stay up later than you do

when the tshirts you used to wear casually for every day adventures

start to pile up as the clothes you can only feel comfortable wearing at home

when shopping can sometimes suddenly be

justifiably productive

rather than guilty or wasteful

and finally

(tho im sure there's more i can add to this later)

when you are able to come up with a list

of ways

you're older

than you meant to be

in your blog that you've had

for more than one hand's worth of fingers

number of years

when i grow up...

i want to fill my house with memories

i want to have pictures

upon pictures

and pictures

collecting memories

of the people

i love

the most

the blessings

i've been given

the laughter

and the smiles

the adventures

the tears

the feelings we

hold onto

with all our might

with our child-like

fingers

and outstretched

hands

twirling,

playing,

running,

dancing,

catching,

embracing

and being embraced

pictures of all the things

people spend

all their lives

looking for

the things i'll probably spend

plenty of my days

fretting over finding too

maybe itll be a nice reminder

for the days when i forget

just how loved by Him

i already

really am

and always will be

thank You for another year