the refrain

"...i'm a monster."

after a long pause,
and an episode of tears that had spent too long uncried
and words left too long unspoken
and truth too painful to be told
and pain too real
to have to take the responsibility
to have caused

these were the only words left
and my friend uttered them in defeat
horror, shock, and repulsion

she saw for the first time who she was
and she hated every part of it
she saw for the first time, for the millionth time
what she could do nothing but reject, fully
for the first millionth time, for the...zillionth time
her body was shaking with sobs

and i wish i had a more comforting answer
and i wish i had a more profound response
but all i could do instead--
was feel relieved

as if her words had just unveiled
a curtain of uncertainty
and in the process crumbled off some weight
in my cement shoes of expectations
that i had to live up,
heavy steps suddenly lightening
in my struggle to continue forwards

"...yes."
i blinked
and inhaled a breath
her words surprised me
and uttered freedom

"we all are, aren't we...?"

freedom from the expectation
or the performance driven faith
to think that i could be anything otherwise
on my own efforts.

"i feel like..that's just it, isn't it? that's the truth. and we are."

freedom lightened a weight
i hadn't even realized was on my chest

"who are we to expect to be more than or otherwise?"

i looked at her
with the most love i'd been able
to feel for her brokenness
in a long time

"you are a monster."

she winced at my initial response,
but by now i found myself dumbfounded with her
and realizing the urgency of gathering my words
before they could be translated to another hurt
another lie, for her to keep and carry with her
for who knows how much longer

"i am too. so is she. we all are. that's...that's the point isn't it?"

...isn't it?

"that's the point of the gospel."

that's the beauty of grace

"that we're all monsters."

and even though we are--even though
in a way..as long as we're in this world...we always will be
that He loved us any way

"But He loves us anyway."

that's present tense.
i forgot about that--
but that's important.

"and that knowledge in itself...
that Truth above all else
means we're gonna be okay."

i doubt i said it half as eloquently--
or anywhere even vaguely articulate as i quoted to up there
but whatever it was--it's..
it's what i meant to say
it's what i wish i could articulate now
explain even just a little bit now

i feel like the song is a good representation of it.

The father of lies
Coming to steal
Kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

"...i'm a monster."

The devil is preaching
The song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation

"...yes."

Could the father of lies
Be telling the truth
Of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death
Then death is mine
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

"well...we all are, aren't we?"

Oh the devil’s singing over me
An age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray

"that's the point of the Gospel."

Singing the first verse so conveniently

"That we all are."

He’s forgotten the refrain

"But He loves us anyway."

Jesus saves!

maybe it isn't about
how good we can be
maybe it isn't about
how spiritual, how right,
how commendable, admirable,
beautiful, or perfect
we can sculpt ourselves
expect ourselves
or be proud of ourselves
to be able to live up to be

...as much as it is about

just how LOVED we are
in spite of that
in spite of ourselves
in spite of our shortcomings
in spite of the inevitability
of our failures

that the beauty of it all

is that it isn't
on us anymore

it isn't up to us
to save
ourselves

because if we open our hearts
to receive this love
that reaches, embraces, and pours out to us

then we'd see
that we were already
saved
to begin with

and our lives can be
an appreciation,
a cry of joy,
a celebration
of that freedom

maybe being broken
isn't so hopeless
after all

but a tangible
representation
of the kind of hope
the kind of love

love
that we didn't deserve
could never deserve
but to this day
and for all eternity
keeps us alive

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.
Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person,
though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners,
Christ died for us."
-Romans 5:6-8