worry

sometimes.
i worry about silly things
...like
on summer nights, when it feels too hot
to get comfortable enough to sleep
i still hesitate
from turning the ceiling fan on high
for fear of the blades spinning so fast
that it comes loose from the ceiling
to deliver a very unflattering
and untimely death
or at least, serious injury
to my unsuspecting, too trusting slumber

sometimes
i worry about--
almost practical things
like keeping a flashlight in my bedside table's drawer
in case there's a black out
and beside that flashlight--
is pepper spray,
specifically
for my bedroom
and the flimsy protection
a screen provides
when i open my window
to cool down my room at night

sometimes
my worries
make good stories
like--the dilemma of car midgets
a very serious, and tangible dilemma
similar to my previous Davis dilemma
of my irrational fear of piles of leaves on the road
for fear that when i approach,
something will jump out of them

rather than alleviating my fears,
small, miniature piles of leaves
only heighten them
 since although a regular sized person
can't possibly hide in those piles
i would be equally if not more alarmed
if a...irregular sized person--did

with that said--
sometimes  worry
my worries
have too much to do
with little people
because people may mistake me
for having a personal grudge or discrimination towards them
which i dont
i just think--and legitimately so--
that my shock would be doubled
in a doubley surprising situation

...sometimes i worry

about real things

 my friends, my family,
my life--and where its going
my life--and where it isn't yet
my life--and where it isn't presently,
 actively, trying hard enough..
to be going

sometimes i worry that ill keep drifting

if im not actively swimming forward,
no matter how far ive already gotten
im no longer at that kiddie pool
or a comfy indoor heated pool
(that kids pee in)
im now in the 'real world'...ocean
(that fish pee in)

(...now i have a new worry:
the very real and new concern
over if fish pee or not)

in this ocean
there are tides
and if im not
actively
swimming forward
i know that subtley,
and in intermittent
but dedicatedly consistent currents
the waves will push me back
in big and small pushes
some big enough to pull me under for a few seconds
so overwhelming,
that it stings my eyes
upon submersion
and gasp for breath
upon surfacing
disoriented over where i even am
coughing, and gasping
the air that i had to go without

but i wonder if even deadlier--
are the small waves
the seemingly nonexistent currents
that tug at me, coaxing me, further and further away
comfortably convincing me
that swimming is too exhausting
anyway

an ironic analogy for a person who doesn't know how to swim...

but fitting.

...because i want to learn.

you know--

i've been drifting

...i keep...

drifting

drifting away

from this God i knew--i know--am trying, wishing to know

a lot of times i stop--

probably cuz im lazy

and its easier to

and i feel the first world entitlement

to saying im too tired

and taking advantage of that

to cheat myself

of things--greater things

in order to pursue

the lesser--instant gratification

kind of things

my fear of hoping

overwhelms

my fear

of failing

im young,

young enough

to be clumsy

im old

too old

not to be embarassed

that i still haven't figured it out yet

but im...

alive

which gives me a chance

to keep

trying

i don't quite know

in realistic--or practical terms

metaphorical or symbolic terms

or simple

and literal terms

how to swim

...but i still want to learn.