could you imagine

being "brave"
instead of
"impulsive"

"prioritizing"
instead of
being "irresponsible"

being "outspoken"
instead of "opinionated"
and "expressive"
rather than "crass"

could you imagine
seeing others
and seeing yourself

in a positive light
or--in any
exposing
light
at all?

without fearing
accusations
of being "full of it"
or "arrogant"?

could you imagine
having "boundaries"
instead of being "selfish"

could you imagine
"self care"
instead of
"laziness"?

could you imagine
if the word "dream"
could be whimsical
without being
unlikely
or childish?

could "someday"
be a little bit less
far away
a little less
hypothetical
a little more
possible
and a lot more
believable

and can we not pause time
or joy, or life, or adventure
at a standstill
until we get there
and instead
enjoy
each
some
days
as they come?

i think we're called

to do more than just imagine

that people  are worth more

 than they think they're worth

that you are worth

more than you

can perceive

that  people are brave

outspoken, expressive--

that confidence

is not shameful

or out of line

that "just because"

is a good enough reason

(unless it pertains to 

punching someone in the face)

that "rest"

is necessary

"to do" lists

should have

mandatory bullet points

for  "smile," "laugh," and "relax"

that TO relax

is not lazy

and maybe this life

can be enjoyed.

i think i'm always

full of complaints

and i look to lawns upon lawns

of others--strangers and friends

only to compare their shades of green

with my own

i think i'm always imagining

a better me--which isn't wrong in and of itself

just when  that "better me"

happens to scoff

at this me

for failing to accomplish

all that"better me" 

has excelled in and collected

like pokemon badges

or i dont know--

stamps.

i think i can't help but imagine

am guilty of imagining

better people, better places, better times

instead of enjoying

the amazing people,

incredible places,

and irreplaceable times

i am blessed with today

don't get me wrong--

i think

to imagine

is great

but i think

to hope

to have Hope

to be aware

of that Hope

we have

is even better.

rather than dwelling on

imagining--thinking that

the reality we are in

is just a place

we're stuck in 

and therefore

have to settle

i think we're called

to believe

that although better 

is yet to come

Better

has already come

 once before

and with it 

came promises

and hope

hope that

and resides in us

to give us a chance

to do more than imagine

better places

better people

better times

but to create

better places

have the courage

to believe in people

(ourselves included)

as instruments of God

and to believe

we're given

no better time

than now

to start doing so

i think i could imagine

i could imagine all day

and i think

sometimes

i run the risk

or imagining

my life

away

i already know

i can imagine

but can i believe? 

distraction

i realized one internet-less mid december of last year
...well.
a lot of things.

it was quite the mess of words and tears
tantrum throwing, metaphorical feet stomping,
and ages and ages of holding my breath until i get my way
later

i come to some very important realizations

ill sum it up to save the mess--
and to keep some dignity
and maybe some friends
(though i hold nothing against
 those whose attention spans
i may lose in the course of this ramble)

i am addicted to distraction.

that's what i was really looking for

when i opened my laptop

to sign onto facebook or youtube

even when i open my phone

and scroll through instagram

or spent relentless amounts of time

fighting losing battles

in words with friends,

scramble with friends,

and yes,

hanging with friends
(all deceptive titles since its usually
 when im alone that im playing)

what im really looking for is a way out

as i scroll through statuses of people i dont really know

and insist that i am having fun

watching these youtube videos alone

(even with regular movies,

i have long been aware that

im more of a social  movie watcher

where i cant watch movies alone very well

cuz i love the company most of all)

so then what am i doing 

for hours at a time?

but hiding.

i am addicted to distraction--

it gives me a place to hide. 

but what am i hiding from?

God--

well, yes.

but also, 

myself.

and in doing so

i create

the full circle

of hiding also

from God

not because of any kind of synonymous nature 

(throwing that out there quickly before i am struck down

or placed with a hugging jacket in an ever so friendly pillow room)

but because as i avoid

myself

i am avoiding

learning more

about who God

has made me 

to be

and i do that

out of my 

lack 

of faith

in God's hands

in my identity

my outcomes

my life circumstances

and my joy

i withold

joy

from myself

and from God

by refusing

to spend

those quiet times

to learn more

about God

and more about

myself

by learning more about God

i learn more about my creator

i learn more about the one who made me

and all in all, who i really am

by learning more about myself

i am to learn more about who God made me to be

which leads me back to getting to know

the God who made me

by partaking

in completing this loop

of interaction

between me and God

between God and my self

maybe only after that distinction

appreciation, invaluable interaction,

can be achieved

can i really take attention

off of myself

and onto

God

that sounds contradictory

but i have a point, i promise

i am obsessed with distraction

and.

i am obsessed

with myself

what I can do

what I cant do

what I am capable of

and only that

who am i

but His

who am I

but Yours

i know at some point
these words may start to sound repetitive
but maybe its repetition
that i need
to remember
to hear

i believe in the Joy

God must have had

in creating

His people

His children

His creation

His love

and i believe

that we are to take part

in experiencing that joy

not just in others

definitely in others

but also

in ourselves

definitely ourselves

and even more definitely

most definitely

in God

and who He made us to be

not just in words

but in action

how that looks like in action?

i've yet still to fully grasp

but please--call me out

when i have forgotten in

all together

that there was joy

Joy

that the God

of the universe

was bursting

with excitement

and joy

when He created

me--

when He created

Us

im addicted to distraction

im addicted to myself

i have trouble grasping joy--

remembering joy

remembering

that there is joy

within me

maybe these are lessons

that i'll have to learn

over and over

but if its anything like

learning a dance

(disclaimer: i am not a dancer

dance central history has proven this)

hopefully,

the more i repeat

the more it can become

a muscle memory

like a martial artist

(disclaimer--although 

i  did convince a four year old lil black boy once that i was)

who will eventually learn to react

with those at first clumsy

but eventually fluid movements

in response to attacks

that come their way

i've obviously spent too long on this post already

so with this i will end

a little lighter,

breathing a little easier,

and a little closer
to You
and to me