condiments

(picture coming soon.)
(er. someday.)

i just had condiments for dinner.

YES.
this is post-worthy.

i had filipino sweet spaghetti...
which has a main base
of banana KETCHUP

with a side of potato salad
which is basically potatoes
swimming in MAYONNAISE.

without anything profound or meaningful to say,
hannah

for His highest

while i don't always agree with everything

this book speaks on/the way things are put...

there are some things in it, that seem to respond

to the words that i speak

and then demand

that i respond

in return

"Riches of Destitute"

". . . being justified freely by His grace . . ." —Romans 3:24


The gospel of the grace of God awakens an intense longing in human souls and an equally intense resentment, because the truth that it reveals is not palatable or easy to swallow. There is a certain pride in people that causes them to give and give, but to come and accept a gift is another thing. I will give my life to martyrdom; I will dedicate my life to service— I will do anything. But do not humiliate me to the level of the most hell-deserving sinner and tell me that all I have to do is accept the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ.

We have to realize that we cannot earn or win anything from God through our own efforts. We must either receive it as a gift or do without it. The greatest spiritual blessing we receive is when we come to the knowledge that we are destitute. Until we get there, our Lord is powerless. He can do nothing for us as long as we think we are sufficient in and of ourselves. We must enter into His kingdom through the door of destitution. As long as we are “rich,” particularly in the area of pride or independence, God can do nothing for us. It is only when we get hungry spiritually that we receive the Holy Spirit. The gift of the essential nature of God is placed and made effective in us by the Holy Spirit. He imparts to us the quickening life of Jesus, making us truly alive. He takes that which was “beyond” us and places it “within” us. And immediately, once “the beyond” has come “within,” it rises up to “the above,” and we are lifted into the kingdom where Jesus lives and reigns (see John 3:5).

-My Utmost for His Highest, Nov 28th

by Oswald Chambers

And I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm stubborn, Lord, and I'm longing to be close
You burn me deeper than I know
And I feel lonely without hope
And I feel desperate without vision

Please
wrap around me like a winter coat
Lord, come and free me

like a bird

sometimes my own words

need a little

convincing

sometimes my own words

are what hide me

from Your truth

the kid with the story

....no one would believe:

that.

people hurt.

...if we did.
i think it would be a little easier
to allow ourselves to

and forgive ourselves for it

and others as well.

for asking the same question
the same
prayer

we all want to hear
answered.

little did we know

" I know you've murdered
And I know you've lied
And I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen I'll tell you that I...

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew"

that we were the ones
who weren't
listening.

not okay

not right now at least

for a zillion reasons and one.
for endless reasons and none.

i dont think im good at trusting God with things

sometimes i dont think im good. at.
anything at all

i don't know how i'm doing.

i cant tell apart the things i want to do
and the things im doing to run away

i gave a long spiel today on how put together i am
to present myself to a potential academic letter of rec writer
only to realize right after
just how overwhelmed i am with how much im not

that's a potential lie btw.
(but that could just as well be a lie too)

i think i just
had a stressful evening.
regret the combination of
uncalled for pride and overwhelming lack of confidence in my decisions.
so quickly forget to count my blessings
am scared of the future
am running from the present
and looking too longingly
at the past

i don't think i could fully express to either of you
just how lonely i am without you
just how much i miss knowing
and being known

and standing
on surprisingly
solid ground

...i dont wanna go to lunch tomorrow.

the sick

"Jesus heals."

Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people. News about Him spread all over Syria, and people brought to Him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed; and He healed them. Large crowds from Galilee, the Decapolis, Jerusalem, Judea and the region across the Jordan followed Him. [Matthew 4:23-25]

-the Sick

good news
implies that it is both a positive
and foreign concept
to those listening
and are hearing
probably
for the first time
as we were meant to
..again and again.

the kingdom
is something much, much
bigger
than we could possibly
understand
it's something that reigns,
that lives
and is actively
..living
breathing
loving
existing.
as something
more real
than we allow ourselves
to comprehend

disease and sickness among the people
...we're all infected
our daily lives
our words, our actions
our hearts
are tainted
with the urge
not to love

about Him
news
about
Him
cuz it was never about us
because it was
never about
me
because we
and i
could never heal
what yours and my
fragile, dirty, hands
and scratched up
calloused palms
would only
hurt more
to touch
and try to keep
for ourselves
and as our own
gollum-like treasure
and not
for the sake
of saving another

people brought Him
ordinary people
like you and me
not just to who we felt like
not just to who "deserves" it
and away from those who "dont"
we brought Him
to all.

we are ill
this much we can't deny
even on our best days
when we try to forget
just. how. much.
we're deteriorating
the truth is
...the truths are
and some days
we just..
let them

with various diseases
pride. vanity. jealousy.
laziness. apathy.
fear.
we live our daily lives
harboring.
it could mean anything..
diseases of the soul
inhaling the polluted air
of a broken world
of selfish wants
and made up lies
..it can come in almost
any, and every, creative form
but don't let that change
in your mind
what you already know it to be
and what you already know
it couldn't possibly be

Truth.

suffering
implies they are in the present form
of actively, at this moment
suffering
in mid-tragedy
crisis, or breakdown
currently
being eaten away
by the things
that feed off
seemingly
unreachable
pain
we are
suffering
that's present-tense
that is
now
...and it is also
now
that He reaches us.

severe pain
...the kind of severity
and pungent depth
of which no words
could ever
do justice
to try
to describe

demon-possessed
cuz sometimes..that's really
the only way to put it
to make any sort of sense
of the kind of thoughts
that slither unconsciously
through the consciousness of our minds
the kind of dark
that is the blackest
of black
that just
stings
to the touch
and is overwhelmingly
blinding
to our already
limited sight

having seizures
reoccurring fits,
convulsions,
when your whole body
jolts in currents of shock
out of your control
hearts, overwhelmed
cut off from oxygen, or peace
struggling to
breathe
when the body
that once belonged to us
is captured
by force
by things that grasp
our mind
and hearts
and dont
let go

paralyzed
quiet beating
of heavy hearts
that yearn to come alive
limbs hanging
arms dead on either side
lungs that havent
for so. long.
felt the living inhale
of a running breath
face that's forgotten
the feeling of
the rush of cold air
against its cheeks
legs that ache
to sprint
to run
and leave
the dead weight
of the rest of me
the me thats...

paralyzed
unable to move
feeling stuck
where we are
our feet
glued,
sinking
to the rising
ground
and the horizon keeps
getting further and further
away from the span
of where our frozen fingertips
could ever
hope
to reach

paralyzed
...with fear.

He healed them.

He
healed
all of this.
He
healed
all of
you.
He
healed
all
...of me.

...I just keep forgetting that.

i want to stop living my life
forgetting that.

i want to gather
in large crowds
of once broken
now complete
walking,
breathing,
living,
loving,
saved
people

i want to start running forwards
and not away

i want to stop getting lost
in the paths i wander
and circle
within
myself,
pursuing
only
myself

...i want to pursue
and follow Him.

hoppípolla

jumping in puddles

Smiling

Spinning round and round
Holding hands
The whole world a blur
But you are
standing

Soaked
Completely drenched
No rubber boots
Running inside us
Want to erupt from a shell

the wind
An outdoor smell of your hair
I breathe as hard as I can
with my nose

Jump into puddles
With no boots on
completely drenched
Soaked
With no boots on

And I get a nosebleed
but I always stand up

And I get a nosebleed
but I always
stand up

adventurers

pirate ships
and bunny ears
laughing
tea
and costume
parties


...i miss these.

i miss you. < 3

overwhelmed

instead of feeling overwhelmed with You

i find myself
overwhelmed
by me.

this is not where i want to be.

at. all.

What can I do with my obsession
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being
Is it the wind that moves the trees?


Sometimes You're further than the moon
Sometimes You're closer than my skin
And You surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss


And my heart burns for You
And my heart burns...for You

And I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm stubborn, Lord, and
I'm longing to be close
You burn me deeper than I know
And I feel lonely without hope
And I feel desperate
Without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like bird

And my heart burns for You
And my heart burns...
My heart burns
for You