not okay

not right now at least

for a zillion reasons and one.
for endless reasons and none.

i dont think im good at trusting God with things

sometimes i dont think im good. at.
anything at all

i don't know how i'm doing.

i cant tell apart the things i want to do
and the things im doing to run away

i gave a long spiel today on how put together i am
to present myself to a potential academic letter of rec writer
only to realize right after
just how overwhelmed i am with how much im not

that's a potential lie btw.
(but that could just as well be a lie too)

i think i just
had a stressful evening.
regret the combination of
uncalled for pride and overwhelming lack of confidence in my decisions.
so quickly forget to count my blessings
am scared of the future
am running from the present
and looking too longingly
at the past

i don't think i could fully express to either of you
just how lonely i am without you
just how much i miss knowing
and being known

and standing
on surprisingly
solid ground

...i dont wanna go to lunch tomorrow.