the better of me, i wish to be

i think sometimes,
i catch myself spending too much time
looking to, first admiring, then respecting,
then takes a terrible turn
to
envying

other people.

i was about to say "other people's lives"

but that was my saving grace slap in the face

..because.
i don't.

if only cuz to do so would be a very impossible discrediting
of my own life, and all of its blessings

Lord,
thank you for catching me
in mid-thought
in mid-doubt
mid-fail, really

and reminding me of the inarguable truth
that is the amazing love
of the opportunities i've been given
the blessings i have received
the life i've been privileged
as my underserving self
to live

and the people
you've put in it
not just to make it worth living
but to make it worth loving
the people in it
who show me
every
single
day

the beauty of your love
for them--
for me

i know it'll be
little baby steps
at a time

but i hope that i can little by little
heal and grow
into that same appreciation
for myself
and the self
you've blessed
and love me
to be

Lord, please remind me
no matter how imperfect i am
that i am not
out of reach
of Your mercy

and that though i can't possibly
wrap my mind, my heart,
my wavering confidence
around it enough
to understand it

help me, Lord
to remember
it is still
true

in spite of me.