incompletion

tears--that i had to man up
and blink away

because there was still work to be done
and someone had to do it

and for me to take the time to recuperate
meant leaving the fort unmanned--well..er, half..manned?
just long enough to risk even more damage

i offered the words that i could.

i respect you for this.

you did this much right.

there's nothing i can do--

but i agree that as a situation--it sucks.

all i can say is that i respect you for handling the situation

as composed as you have, despite your frustrations

and doing your best

regardless

i told him i didnt know if that meant anything to him at this point--

and he interrupted me, and said--sincerely--

it does.

and i had to let that soak in for a minute

saving grace

forgiving words

hope

"it does."

also this morning

my game face

my "game face"

slipped.

my "game face"

is smiling

friendly

unphased

everybody sit back down
no one was dismissed


harmless words, appropriate--but
enough to cause a ruckus
enough to get some stares
enough to have a good number the clients
come up to me on separate occasions
to make sure/ask if im okay

and with my game face taped clumsily back together
i said--yes.
and smiled.

...but maybe

i shouln't

have

lied.

isn't that a double standard?

that i ask them--are you okay?
with sincerity, in hopes, they'll open up
to give them a chance
to vent it out, if needed

to let them know
i am willing to accept them
if they choose to put themselves out there to be

yet when they asked me
the same question
i refused to answer
and in turn--
shut them out
the way i imply to them
is unhealthy to do

then comes the question of professionalism

which--i apparently/obviously

am still really just

growing in

in so many ways 

im still

so

young

in 

so

many

ways

at least id like to think so--

in a way

that actually isn't

discouraging

...but hopeful

that this isn't all there is to me

that there's still more of me yet

for them to know

...for me to know

as i continue to grow

and get to know

this person

i hope

to be

"...Hope is rooted in men's incompletion."-Freire

that morning--in my frazzled state
i paced back and forth, hiding in the women's house
in their yard, before settling on going inside

and letting them know i just needed to sit down for a second

and they asked--what was wrong

and i let them know, 

in my frazzled state,

game face in pieces, 

slipping like melted jello

from my face

 (tee hee @ analogy)

"im just trying to calm down a little bit

and let them know--i was so thrown off

because it was the first time

i had raised my voice

in such an assertive manner

to address

the group as a whole

when i asked them to all sit down"

--it seemed like such a little thing

but still, my real self

peeked out

of my meticulously built mask

and asked, hesitantly

"you don't think they'll hate me do you..?"

as soon as the words left my mouth, 

i winced, bracing myself for the mental kick

about to follow right after--

the voice in my head that scolds me

for asking such an unprofessional question

and showing such vulnerability

such RAW vulnerability

and hannah-voice doubts

to the very people

who could not be allowed to see it

yet--before my mental kick

could take its

running start

 it stumbled

on one of the women's

sigh of

breathless

relief

she told me, almost frantically

in an excited, earnest, relief

that she had told her roommate so recently

that she thought the only reason

she'd get kicked out of the program

would be when--

she just one day

EXPLODES on me

--on hannah--

on me

in particular

for my nit picky ways

 

she said i was so detail-oriented

and she knew it wasn't my fault she would get so upset

and it was just that her self-esteem was so low

it was so SMALL, so tiny (she gestured a pinch size with her hands)

that she had a hard time handling 

how much attention i had to detail

and in her insecurity and frustration

she'd ask herself

why is hannah so picky

why is she so this or that

although she knew, that in truth

i was just doing

my job

it was hard for her

because of her own issues

and then SHE told ME

 

sitting right in front of me right now

is this beautiful young woman,

you've shown me a beautiful woman

sitting right in front of me right now

just--

such a human side of you

that she can finally let go of all her pent up frustrations

and see me for who i am too, and in turn

feel less attacked, less defensive, less afraid

of the me who she could really, 

more clearly, 

see

as just another human being

trying their best to do their job

the best they knew how

(ad-libbing, but it was implied)

 

then the two of them trailed off

and rambled onto other dilemmas of the day

but what stuck with me--

and in retrospect makes me almost regret

my heavily set walls towards the sincere inquiries if i was okay

that the guys asked me right after--

was that the human side of me

the broken me, 

the hannah-voice doubts me,

the incomplete me

 

had a role to play too

it had a place
a purpose,
it wasn't just
the "junk"
i thought
it to be
 
to my surprise--
this me
could possibly be
just as--no..
dare i say,
more
important

in becoming the person
im striving
to be

a person
who can
reach out
a person
who can
heal

but maybe

its in

admitting

our own

brokenness

that people

are able

to first

accept

the hand

we offer them

to begin

with

a hand

that isn't

above

them

but a hand
that can
stand by
them

a hand
that isn't there
to fight with them--
think less of them,
judge them,
even teach
or change
them

but a hand

that is willing

to accept

and say

...me too

i've hurt

too

and maybe
with that
we can believe
in healing
together

i want

to believe

that

in the midst

of our put-together-ness

our incompletion

the reality of it

...instills

hope.