a reason to sleep

i think one of the biggest lessons ive learned
of the many
is that i cant be..-everything- to -everyone-
like when i read about someone wanting to be found
or understood, or even held or made special

do i have the right
or room in my heart
to try to promise something like that to someone?

and how -do- i
or -did- i so fully promise and actually give off the feeling
of giving all that before?

was it because i always saw it as temporary?
give it your all now
and just hold on until they find someone
who can give it to them permanently?
and then you can be replaced
and slip away
and i thought

theyll miss me sometimes
but thats a mandatory miss
and theyll sometimes wish
i was there
but along with thinking about how this new person
gets them so much better
or pays so much more attention
or puts in so much more effort
and is just such a way better friend

like waiting
and holding the spot
till people find their
permanent friends

whys that?
is it because
the permanent friend spots in -my- life
are already full?

then why did i still get bitter
or feel left behind
when replaced?

did i just turn it around
and pretend
with an
"i -meant- to do that"
shrug?

in no way does this lessen the value that i place in them tho
or place in every person
who smiles
and allows me to make them
and at the same time give me the gift
of smiling right back

and for those moments
we're both
seen

i wonder if its not so much if people 'get me' or get you sorta thing
but if they get you

the right way

like..maybe i judge too easily
or some personalities just dont match

it doesnt place me above another person to think
that theyre immature for claiming terribleness
as something so selfishly and self importantly their own

the same way someone isnt necessarily right
but isnt necessarily wrong
when they tell me i take too long to get to a point of a story
and have lost interest before ive even made it half way through

maybe these excess details dont matter to them
but they matter to someone

maybe this terribleness you're trying to convince me of in yourself,
is cruel or cold of me to excuse
but to someone else will be a
great epiphany to your character
and their own
in your life

for the sake of having the last word on it
yes
i think everyone is terrible
and that everyone is capable of getting hurt
and hurting someone
in the worst possible way,
they just have to matter enough

then even the nicest person in the world
could do something off hand or without thinking
and that action
related or not
could be the cruelest thing
they have or could ever do

to someone else
they happen to just
be very very important to

isnt that what girls are called over emotional for?
when things begin to
matter
more than we're told they should

when the moment those feelings were given an okay
an identity
and mutual consent
or the moment once the
'okay' for it is even asked for

then isnt it obvious
they already matter
more than we're told
they should already?


i think around this time
or earlier
i always get sleepy
but just never find
a good enough reason
to sleep =/

i look like an emo BOY

a different lady but the same

second encounter with a zebra striped heavily accented hair stylist lady
she had a russian accent and was a little too razor happy
and i kept glancing around thinking
eheh..that..thats a lot of hair..yeah..yeah you can stop now..er..wait..no..i..uh...

u_u Sigh
but she was so sure of herself tho

and and i did all I could ;__;
i-i..
I SHOWED HER PICTURES DERN IT
T___T Authentic very specific pictures--not even of someone else
but of MYSELF
With my previous haircut
Which..shouldnt have been that difficult o_x

I just..wanted..a trim
...a...a trim ;___;
just..so..i..wouldnt have to deal with it when school came
people always cut it exactly deh same X_X
all i asked for was deh same only shorter ;___;

....
this isnt the same at aaalll ;___;

**bawl*

**sob*

**tries on her many hats now* U__U

sincerely

n n

im happy.

thank you.

a private entry

"Lord God, dear Heavenly Father,

I really am...in awe.
I really just literally sit here, in awe od You, God. I wish there was a way to rip this page out of my journal and give it to You directly, hand it to you personally, and know for sure that this note that I'm writing directly to you will be held and seen and read by You.

I am..in awe, Lord.
Of Your goodness.
Your Mercy.
Your gifts.
You are amazing, Lord.

Your vision, your gifts, your presence. Is breath taking. I can never in my most thought out of imaginations and dreams come up with the kinds of blessings to even think to wish for the kinds of gifts You've given me, Lord. To even hope to deserve or connect my name to.
I'm just so thankful, God. So thankful for my family, for my friends, for last night. I never would have imagined having such an uncomfortably unrealistic good time. To have someone like that -want- to hang out with me. To get the chance to have done all those fun things with someone.

Lord, I prayed--..but not even.
But maybe I wished.
I thought.
Not daring to or realizing my own prayers. I prayed for a friendship, for friendships.
I prayed for encounters.
To have someone just look sincerely glad to see you kinda look when I see em.

It was such a nice surprise to bump into Nathan the other day and have him react the way he did. I mean it was like..so effy casual, but really sincere. To have someone instantly smile like he did, as if remembering something, then smiling somemore. Like watching an after smile happen, but not disappear right in front of you. And having that aftersmile be directed accidentally honestly to you.

To have someone like Ali that I just feel so accepted by, can say anything to, feel recognized as a part of home to despite not spending very much time together anymore like in Cru or bible study. To have people who understand me all the time, or not at all, but still stick around. To have Dana, Lord. Thank you.

Thank you for using her like You did. Thank you for saving me. For saving the rest of my life, my soul. Through her introducing me to Cru, to Christianity, UCC, acceptance, maturity, love, grace. importance--in who I am and who YOU are. You are above all things, God.

I deserve none of this. My family is amazing. I feel loved and reached out to, valued and known.

Priya and Michelle, just saying the two of them in a sentence is a joy and sense of familiarity that I cant ever fully emphasize enough. A blessing with such a threshold of love that I dont deserve. They mean so much to me, Lord. They let me in on their lives, they let me matter. They let me have people who for sure matter. They're almost like a stronghold of security as far as good friends in Davis goes for me, God. I love them so much.

And then You gave me Dorothy.
As if all of those things werent undeservedly awesome enough. She was given so directly from YOU, Goid. I'm speechless. Mostly because everything I say would be so cheesy, obvious, and probably been oversaid by now, but still so very true. Lord, we have...SO MUCH FUN to gether. We laugh, we groan, we are there for each other and we grow, we are ourselves and loved for it. I absoloutely enjoy her presence, God. She and I connect deeply and prayerfully if that means anything. We need each other, God. And in that You remind us how much we need YOU.

Peter, Lord, is a very direct and huge blessing that I really really honestly dont deserve in a friend. He's taught me so much, Lord, about sincerity and genuine thoughts and kindness. He's taught me so much on friendship, God, and the definition of it and what it means to dedicate to one and invest and show it. I feel blessed to even know someone like him, God.

Brian's sense of humor...the comfortability of it all. Companionship, fun, pursuit of knowledge, and source of wisdom. Just being visited, and revisited. Taken seriously and treated as a friend, before you did anything to deserve to be. Just...Interacting, and enjoying it. Thank you for him, God. Thank you for support, and honesty, that both him and Briggs offers in wanting to hang out and appreciating what I have to say as well as having so many amazing things to say themselves.

Last night was such an unbelievable after finals gift, Lord...
Thank you for ferris wheels
and Vietnamese singers who look almost like Rain
and wear froggy slippers and foundation
Thank you for security guards
Who think all asian girls look alike
Thank you for dragon roller coasters
and a little girl cutting in line's accusing eyes
(...Mister, are YOU in line?)
Thank you for peppermint hot chocolate
and compensation rice crispies
with m&ms and marshmallows
For youtube, for facebook
For sitting together and talking with nothing to say
For the sake of sitting and talking with nothing to say

Thank you for text messages
People I'd love to do stuff with
Thank you for ipods
For surrender
For grace
For prayer

For Christmas trees
and fake snow
And angry chubby dogs
And pidgeon coops
and pork buns

Thank you for cameras
For indescribable moments
that cant be captured
In pictures or in words
Because the feeling that comes with them
Are worth so much miore
are so much more beautiful, and awkwardly so
than a human hand
or mind
could fully comprehend

It's so rare.
Familiar
Serene

Thank you that I did
Absoloutely nothing
In this world
That i AM
absoloutely nothing
And somehow still be
so absoloutely
...loved

You are my Lord,
my Savior,
my King.
I praise you, Lord.
Thank you.

Thank you so much, Jesus, for..joy. For this life. For this peace, no matter how fleeting. I pray for healing for my dad, comfort and clarity in friendship. Strength to be, courage to love, as you intended me to.

I love you, Lord.
I pray for Your blessing, Your presence, Your joy. In all of our lives. Dana's leaving, Alwin's family, the kids, Tita Anne, Ren ren and her parents, Yuki's well deserved vacation and her writing, Nabi's work, dreams, and life, Alison's classes, Ateh's work, Ninang, and Nannay.

Thank you for the ability to pray.
Thank you for You, Jesus."

And so concludes why I'm very much..shy? Or sheepish? I dunno @@. Self conscious I guess, over what I write in my journal as opposed to deh blog. I wrote this on the plane on the way to AZ. It's like..cheesy and lame and corny, even more so than my blog here ; ;. I think I gush @@. And am still too lazy to write about days rather than feelings. Sigh u u. I heart you, God.

::Edit:
nother prayer answered! ;-;
Thank you, Lord, for Ray
Who is somehow for some reason very very excited
to tell me about his picture taking adventure at his old school today
@___@ **Feels very blessed to be given this privilege of listening to him ramble to HER about his day. Like honestly ridiculously so*

end of finals day 1

SO. much. FUN.
@@<3

finals chronicles

Dec 8, 2008
igloos, spandex, and floral pants

so i made a decision to cheer my day up today by being very adamant about wearing my white and yellow daisy skirt <3

I got out of bed at 6:55 in the morning and rethought it when I realized my nose was freezing over, like, indoors. My nose was cold, and it felt like an upstairs igloo. Everything was gloomy, and everything about the weather screamed PANTS and layers of em.

but for the heck of it i tried it on
i looked in the mirror, not at myself
but at how happy it was *__*
and with my green sweatshirt, i looked like the stem to giaant floweeerrr...
I layered enough (two pairs of tights and my spandex shorts)
for it to be at least semi reasonable to be wearing a skirt
But cannot deny the out of placeness I probably looked in the doom and gloom of rain, clouds, and the first day of 8 am finals.



I need to become more practical,
accept my innate irrationality and love for daisies
or invest in some warm, cheery, floral pants

...i am not buying floral pants.

--------

December 10, 2008
a confession
dear sleep,

i was wrong.
i miss you.

love,
hannah

--------

December 11, 2008
not good =/

oh no @@

i think
i want to

...draw
sing
listen to music
take a walk
lay down
in the middle of nowhere
and close my eyes
and open them
to the middle of nowhere
in the middle of everywhere

i want to paint a picture
the only way i know how
through images and words

then paint a picture
in ways i wish i knew how
through paper and paint
i want to water color
and fail
and succeed
but keep trying
without consequence
or being reprimanded

i want to nap
or stay in bed
and read
and laugh
and watch a movie
have spare time
stop what im doing
and listen to you

i want to sit
and tell stories
and hear stories
and share a glance
with someone

with a million things to say
and nothing to say
running through our heads
trying, wishing
we had something to say
to each other
but resigning on nothing
quite interesting enough to be worth the risk saying
being mildly annoyed, at our own uninterestingness
but inwardly celebrating
over sharing the glance anyway

i want
to be painfully, but not uncomfortably
aware
of someone's presence in the room
who i can pretend or hope
wants to talk to me
as much as i
want to talk to them

i want
someones undivided attention
and for someone to be
excited
to tell me something going on in their lives
i want to be sought out
to be told good news
and bad news
and boring news
and no news

i want to laugh
and listen
and smile, without realizing i am
and listen to stories and wishes and dreams
and woes and worries and exasperated rants
that we both know
dont matter
as much as it does to have something to say
to the someone
you want to say something to

i want to acknowledge
unsolvable problems
while feeling completely content
over the unrelated solution, satisfaction, and comfort
from having someone to ponder over these problems with
who finds them
just as interesting
and pertinent
as you do

i want to look up to
and people sized post its
or post its in people form
saying

i miss you
i love you
i hope you have a good day

i cant
wait to see you

i know im
important to you

and that's okay

i want to do
absoloutely nothing

and be loved for it

..isnt that unfair?

....
two hours before my final
i will end with a quoting from
the now very applicable words of
the support of my good friend and ohana,
ray middle name gao

"haha. you're screwed."

words

so i keep meaning to post a normal post, but always end up rambling off like I just did @@. images are easier than words. i dont feel like my words can..keep up. it feels like a scientist, or like a field observer. maybe like crocodile dundee, or those other people. anthropologists? starting off in the same place, some presumed natural habitat. then trying to keep up when they glance up like antelope thingies then take off on a sudden sprint. and they tumble and scramble, the words that is. trying to keep up with the images, and scribbling down what they can. glimpses of images, things that sort of make sense. assume on a lot of glances, cuz you cant really tell whats going on, and to try to make sense of it fully wouldn't...have enough ink in the world to explain.

and then sometimes they find them, settled in some random location again
and not knowing how they got there, you assume a random conclusion
of what it means
or what theyre trying to say

but whether it makes a little
or a lot of sense
the words still look up
with an exhasperated sigh under their scratched up safari hats
maybe brushing off some branches, or leaves
while they find themselves
once again
unfound
in some random patch of wilderness
unknown and familiar at the same time

and im sure on some days
particularly puzzling ones
without conclusions
or enlightening points
they think
maybe we're too old for this
or this doesn't even make any sense
what am i wasting my time
being written for?
over something that has no consideration
no -words- of its own
while the words themselves exhaust their resources
revisiting thesauruses sheepishly
as if rechecking a map
when they cant take not knowing where they are

in hopes no one sees them checking
and realizes their own amateurity
so they can hold any sort of dignity when they try to report back to everyone else
the things they saw
the things they heard
the things that really, honestly, existed
even if they dont anymore, or were only there for a second

and listeners already doubting them
when they make huge claims
in wonder and awe
over things
that fall short to be explained
and fall more rightly on making no sense
to exist
or have existed
or worse exists
but seems so ordinary
that it didnt seem worth
existing for
to begin with

...augh! i did it again X_X
**GIVES UP*
**Will tell you about my day later ; ;*

planted

my bladder's full
my knees are cold
i feel more pregnant than sick
and im running--no, just barely walking
eff--even limping or crawling takes too much energy, dramatic and physical
so i've given in to finally just...
strolling

and have even added a tune
humming with each
broken step
and suddenly
im so much lighter
because i could never hope to carry
this weight (especially with its inevitable increase with finals stress eating)
on my own

so ill let go
of what they say should be important
and the things i hold onto
to fit in with those that are
standing in the standard line
of good posture
and unwavering straight ahead stares

amidst what i imagine
as dark navy blue uniforms
perfectly sealed with stapled on buttons
made to be formal in every way
(but in truth looking almost like crisply ironed onesies)

and i twiddle my thumbs
that are supposed to be
placed firmly at my sides
palm against crisp edges of a navy blue pant leg

pretending to be preoccupied
with the scarlet chipped nail polish
shifting uneasily
in my yellow flowered skirt
and green sweatshirt
that i thought would cleverly make me look like
a stem to a giant daisy
realizing that everyone around me
means business
but in truth
so did i

and my pink, plastic headband
does nothing to pull back
uneven, unwashed raggedy anne strands
of bedridden, permanently flyaway hair

its the one thing i can say
is there just for show

but then again
so were their formal lines,
flattened palms,
straight ahead stares,
and navy blue onesies

at least my headband looked cute

huh

i don't think we could
or should
really ever fully understand
everyone we meet
each other
or too many people


or truly see
where they're coming from
who they are
why they feel
and why they laugh
and what their heart beat
really
means

or else we'd be
falling in love
too many times

people are so
worth it

i dont understand
why it isnt
allowed

other than
pretending
to be worth more
or less
than someone else

"he misunderstood me"
i wonder if that was with
the expectation
that if they could
understand
it could make
a difference

but maybe even if they did
it really
wouldn't

are we the ones
who misunderstood
the ones who
misunderstood us?

or sometimes its harder
not to
understand
because knowing it wouldn't
make a difference anyway
or at least
the difference that we want to see
or be

people are
amazing

what does that mean?

this is how i live my days

in post its and to do lists:

Have lunch with...
-Arra (Weds @2:30)
-Yvonne (Saturday @ 4)
-Grace (again!) (Monday @3)
-Kristine
-Jill
Sonia
-Indian food with Claire (freshman <3)

Breathe and...
-Invite Alwin over for dinner
-Talk to Peter about life
-Beatboxing and baking party with Briggs (Tues afternoon)

Throw together
-Going away party for Dana (Weds night)
-Video goodbye for Dana
-Cookies for cru girls leading bible study (During Mon baking)
-Cookies for girls leading bible study in Epic w/ Dorothy?
-Worship night during finals week? (Tues night)
-Christmas stocking-ish thing for Michelle and Priya (+ roommates yeah?)

Don't forget to!
-Send Ate Zyra's package... (Monday)
-Dry clean and return Carlton's shirt..and return with treats?
-Brownies, hot chocolate, and tea for church this Sunday (Sunday MORNING)
-Return Tasha's dresses

Maybe
-....Random Vietnamese concert w/ Alwin? o_x (Saturday night)
-Good luck w/ Finals pancake for Grace (tonight when i go to safeway?)
-Flowers cuz I love her for Lena & Ali & Dana & Lisa & maybe Rachie

and oh yeah..
-study for my midterm tomorrow morning
-write my rst final paper before thurs (now Monday)

-STUDY FOR FINALS

to be repeatedly updated,
hannah

ps:


[the bottom of]
my list
-mike aalseth

it feels like i swallowed a recently microwaved sea urchin

dear blog
and a sidenote to myself,

i think i have
a fever.
hm.

one more paper to go,
hannah

"All We"
by Worth Dying For

Im am at my very end
Ive tried all that seems right
Im coming closer to the beginning
Look through the start of our new life
Without out stretched arms I'm broken
And yet before you come change me
This is a sound of desperation
I fumble how it's coming clean
We cry..
Aloud...
Afraid...
Of some..

All we want is the love that was on the cross
All we need is your blood to comfort us
All we desire is for you to fill this place
We shout it out
WE'RE FREE

Repentenace is our desire
Come fill our hearts with your holy fire
This is the sound of desperation
The cry of your creation
We cry...
Aloud...
Afraid..
Of some..

All we want is the love that was on the cross
All we need is your blood to comfort us
All we desire is for you to fill this place
We shout it out
WE'RE FREE

All we want is the love that was on the cross
All we need is your blood to comfort us
All we desire is for you to fill this place
We shout it out
WE'RE FREE

And we shout it out
WE'RE FREE
We shout it out
WE'RE FREE

All we want is the love that was on the cross
All we need is your blood to comfort us
All we desire is for you to fill this place
We shout it out
WE'RE FREE

We shout it out..
WERE FREE
We shout it out...
WE'RE FREE

We shout aloud
With the everlasting song
We join with the angels and cry
Holy is the Lord

We shout aloud
With the everlasting song
We join with the angels and cry
Holy is the Lord

We shout aloud
With the everlasting song
We join with the angels and cry
Holy is the lord

We shout aloud
With the everlasting son
We join with the angels and cry
Holy is the lord

"earth!" "fire!" "wind!" "water!" "heart!"

if i could have
any super power
i would choose

flying

telekinesis

fire

...

ninja

::edit::
apparently im not allowed to have ninja D:
"it's like wishing for more wishes! it doesnt count!"
u_u