a reason to sleep

i think one of the biggest lessons ive learned
of the many
is that i cant be..-everything- to -everyone-
like when i read about someone wanting to be found
or understood, or even held or made special

do i have the right
or room in my heart
to try to promise something like that to someone?

and how -do- i
or -did- i so fully promise and actually give off the feeling
of giving all that before?

was it because i always saw it as temporary?
give it your all now
and just hold on until they find someone
who can give it to them permanently?
and then you can be replaced
and slip away
and i thought

theyll miss me sometimes
but thats a mandatory miss
and theyll sometimes wish
i was there
but along with thinking about how this new person
gets them so much better
or pays so much more attention
or puts in so much more effort
and is just such a way better friend

like waiting
and holding the spot
till people find their
permanent friends

whys that?
is it because
the permanent friend spots in -my- life
are already full?

then why did i still get bitter
or feel left behind
when replaced?

did i just turn it around
and pretend
with an
"i -meant- to do that"
shrug?

in no way does this lessen the value that i place in them tho
or place in every person
who smiles
and allows me to make them
and at the same time give me the gift
of smiling right back

and for those moments
we're both
seen

i wonder if its not so much if people 'get me' or get you sorta thing
but if they get you

the right way

like..maybe i judge too easily
or some personalities just dont match

it doesnt place me above another person to think
that theyre immature for claiming terribleness
as something so selfishly and self importantly their own

the same way someone isnt necessarily right
but isnt necessarily wrong
when they tell me i take too long to get to a point of a story
and have lost interest before ive even made it half way through

maybe these excess details dont matter to them
but they matter to someone

maybe this terribleness you're trying to convince me of in yourself,
is cruel or cold of me to excuse
but to someone else will be a
great epiphany to your character
and their own
in your life

for the sake of having the last word on it
yes
i think everyone is terrible
and that everyone is capable of getting hurt
and hurting someone
in the worst possible way,
they just have to matter enough

then even the nicest person in the world
could do something off hand or without thinking
and that action
related or not
could be the cruelest thing
they have or could ever do

to someone else
they happen to just
be very very important to

isnt that what girls are called over emotional for?
when things begin to
matter
more than we're told they should

when the moment those feelings were given an okay
an identity
and mutual consent
or the moment once the
'okay' for it is even asked for

then isnt it obvious
they already matter
more than we're told
they should already?


i think around this time
or earlier
i always get sleepy
but just never find
a good enough reason
to sleep =/