a private entry

"Lord God, dear Heavenly Father,

I really am...in awe.
I really just literally sit here, in awe od You, God. I wish there was a way to rip this page out of my journal and give it to You directly, hand it to you personally, and know for sure that this note that I'm writing directly to you will be held and seen and read by You.

I am..in awe, Lord.
Of Your goodness.
Your Mercy.
Your gifts.
You are amazing, Lord.

Your vision, your gifts, your presence. Is breath taking. I can never in my most thought out of imaginations and dreams come up with the kinds of blessings to even think to wish for the kinds of gifts You've given me, Lord. To even hope to deserve or connect my name to.
I'm just so thankful, God. So thankful for my family, for my friends, for last night. I never would have imagined having such an uncomfortably unrealistic good time. To have someone like that -want- to hang out with me. To get the chance to have done all those fun things with someone.

Lord, I prayed--..but not even.
But maybe I wished.
I thought.
Not daring to or realizing my own prayers. I prayed for a friendship, for friendships.
I prayed for encounters.
To have someone just look sincerely glad to see you kinda look when I see em.

It was such a nice surprise to bump into Nathan the other day and have him react the way he did. I mean it was like..so effy casual, but really sincere. To have someone instantly smile like he did, as if remembering something, then smiling somemore. Like watching an after smile happen, but not disappear right in front of you. And having that aftersmile be directed accidentally honestly to you.

To have someone like Ali that I just feel so accepted by, can say anything to, feel recognized as a part of home to despite not spending very much time together anymore like in Cru or bible study. To have people who understand me all the time, or not at all, but still stick around. To have Dana, Lord. Thank you.

Thank you for using her like You did. Thank you for saving me. For saving the rest of my life, my soul. Through her introducing me to Cru, to Christianity, UCC, acceptance, maturity, love, grace. importance--in who I am and who YOU are. You are above all things, God.

I deserve none of this. My family is amazing. I feel loved and reached out to, valued and known.

Priya and Michelle, just saying the two of them in a sentence is a joy and sense of familiarity that I cant ever fully emphasize enough. A blessing with such a threshold of love that I dont deserve. They mean so much to me, Lord. They let me in on their lives, they let me matter. They let me have people who for sure matter. They're almost like a stronghold of security as far as good friends in Davis goes for me, God. I love them so much.

And then You gave me Dorothy.
As if all of those things werent undeservedly awesome enough. She was given so directly from YOU, Goid. I'm speechless. Mostly because everything I say would be so cheesy, obvious, and probably been oversaid by now, but still so very true. Lord, we have...SO MUCH FUN to gether. We laugh, we groan, we are there for each other and we grow, we are ourselves and loved for it. I absoloutely enjoy her presence, God. She and I connect deeply and prayerfully if that means anything. We need each other, God. And in that You remind us how much we need YOU.

Peter, Lord, is a very direct and huge blessing that I really really honestly dont deserve in a friend. He's taught me so much, Lord, about sincerity and genuine thoughts and kindness. He's taught me so much on friendship, God, and the definition of it and what it means to dedicate to one and invest and show it. I feel blessed to even know someone like him, God.

Brian's sense of humor...the comfortability of it all. Companionship, fun, pursuit of knowledge, and source of wisdom. Just being visited, and revisited. Taken seriously and treated as a friend, before you did anything to deserve to be. Just...Interacting, and enjoying it. Thank you for him, God. Thank you for support, and honesty, that both him and Briggs offers in wanting to hang out and appreciating what I have to say as well as having so many amazing things to say themselves.

Last night was such an unbelievable after finals gift, Lord...
Thank you for ferris wheels
and Vietnamese singers who look almost like Rain
and wear froggy slippers and foundation
Thank you for security guards
Who think all asian girls look alike
Thank you for dragon roller coasters
and a little girl cutting in line's accusing eyes
(...Mister, are YOU in line?)
Thank you for peppermint hot chocolate
and compensation rice crispies
with m&ms and marshmallows
For youtube, for facebook
For sitting together and talking with nothing to say
For the sake of sitting and talking with nothing to say

Thank you for text messages
People I'd love to do stuff with
Thank you for ipods
For surrender
For grace
For prayer

For Christmas trees
and fake snow
And angry chubby dogs
And pidgeon coops
and pork buns

Thank you for cameras
For indescribable moments
that cant be captured
In pictures or in words
Because the feeling that comes with them
Are worth so much miore
are so much more beautiful, and awkwardly so
than a human hand
or mind
could fully comprehend

It's so rare.
Familiar
Serene

Thank you that I did
Absoloutely nothing
In this world
That i AM
absoloutely nothing
And somehow still be
so absoloutely
...loved

You are my Lord,
my Savior,
my King.
I praise you, Lord.
Thank you.

Thank you so much, Jesus, for..joy. For this life. For this peace, no matter how fleeting. I pray for healing for my dad, comfort and clarity in friendship. Strength to be, courage to love, as you intended me to.

I love you, Lord.
I pray for Your blessing, Your presence, Your joy. In all of our lives. Dana's leaving, Alwin's family, the kids, Tita Anne, Ren ren and her parents, Yuki's well deserved vacation and her writing, Nabi's work, dreams, and life, Alison's classes, Ateh's work, Ninang, and Nannay.

Thank you for the ability to pray.
Thank you for You, Jesus."

And so concludes why I'm very much..shy? Or sheepish? I dunno @@. Self conscious I guess, over what I write in my journal as opposed to deh blog. I wrote this on the plane on the way to AZ. It's like..cheesy and lame and corny, even more so than my blog here ; ;. I think I gush @@. And am still too lazy to write about days rather than feelings. Sigh u u. I heart you, God.

::Edit:
nother prayer answered! ;-;
Thank you, Lord, for Ray
Who is somehow for some reason very very excited
to tell me about his picture taking adventure at his old school today
@___@ **Feels very blessed to be given this privilege of listening to him ramble to HER about his day. Like honestly ridiculously so*