back to ordinary "dont help them win"

back to what used to be
and never was not is
back to everyday
that never really left much longer than a day or two, if ever three
back to
me

and all i still am
was
and have to do

back to
people i know and love
back to
people i already know
and already love

back to
whats familiar
and what i
already know

back to
all the things
i still need to know
to learn
so that ill know
to add to
what i already know
both of which--trust me--are a lot

back to
this side up
and this side down

im not sure what reference that was to
but it makes me think of
factory workers
working their
monotonous days

hmm
its not bad
its not that its not good
but its also 'not bad'

not that this weekend, this retreat, this get away
was really too much less 'not bad'

...hm
i wonder if
that's how heaven feels like
but im wondering this
in a different scope than i did before

i felt this before because
i was so overwhelmed
with joy
acceptance
and longing

and this time im left with
mostly longing

and i refer also to
the fact that its like
a whole different world
where magically somehow
every of that type of person you know
no, not a type

but just in general
the feeling of
being surrounded by believers

its nice
right?

i miss
last year's lent
and knowing
not just guessing or thinking
that im not cute
but really knowing
that right now
i aint cute

but somehow people talked to me
and i wore things that didnt matter
because i cared more about approachable
than approachable but maybe cute

just to throw in the -maybe-
but whats it all for in the end?

am i really loved any more?
any less?

i think i just care more this year
or my eyes are more opened to that
this isnt just the first day of class meeting people and making a good impression

but like
what do you do with that impression?
who do you get to know?
apparently most times you..
just dont get to know anyone
cuz there isn't enough time to
while also getting to know -you-
and them trying to get to know each other
and you
and themselves
and God

my internet connection is quite accurate about
the world ive returned to

..its
slower
but not

everything feels so much..slower
or separated
but that's probably just cuz im going on very little hours of sleep
to be honest im aware that soon enough ill realize
just how inhumanly fast these days will go

i called
You answered
and You came to my rescue and i
wanna be where
You are

maybe thats what it is
a slow
or weak
connection

Lord, I didn't deserve this weekend, did I?
I let so many
opportunities slide by
I came into it
and motioned through it
completely, and selfishly, determinedly-- self-seeking

self-gratifying
self centered
and without
a sincere
reach for God


not
sincere
enough

but..
who has the right to tell me that?
on what grounds have i been told?

of course it isn't enough
but isn't it counterproductive to think that way too?

i think im
very lonely
and i dont know why
or what im looking for

there's
no one
to talk to

no one
who would wanna hear?
who would
understand?

i keep hearing or wanting to say, "God"
and keep just wanting to
pray

but i feel so...weak-willed
and tired of hearing
my own
selfish selfish thoughts

tired of my own shpiel of words
that even i dont believe or understand
for me to be praying them on behalf of other people either.

im stuck between the feeling of both...
wanting to be alone
and needing someone to talk to

am i that bloody fetus
prostituting all of my gifts, beauty, and fine clothes
for idols that do nothing but destroy me
and make ugly what was meant to be beauty within me?

i called
You answered
and You came to my rescue and i
wanna be where
You are

i dont know how to answer
i dont know how to be good enough
for anything

are ___ and i friends yet?
like...this sounds dumb but
is it mutually acknowledged?
or is he kinda just thinking its weird or are even secretly accusing me of following him around?
or asking himself why i do?

do the other project kids know or care that i dont spend very much time with them?
do other people think im a hethen every time i sit with all guys?
do guys think im easy or something? flirtatious? not worth the respect that another girl who doesnt hang around guys as much--like yvonne, or stacie, or stef, would?
am i coming off the wrong way?
are people feeling burdened at all?
and why dont i spend more time
with the ones who reassure this instead?

__ is hard to be friends with
cuz sometimes his short attention span just makes him get up and walk away
and honestly
im almost uneasy
cuz i feel like the more i see him
the more boring to him ill get
till im just not funny or clever or exciting or smart enough to hang around anymore


and why does ____ do that so much?
why is he so touchy? why does he have to hover so uncomfortably close all the time?
why do i just take it and shrug it off like im dumb and it doesnt bug me?
and it didnt
and doesnt
just when its continually done, well, it does.

same with ____ ___
he had his arm around me or was touchy every now and then too
and treats me or talks down to be like a baby sometimes

all i can say is EFF
if im not smart enough for you
find someone ELSE that you'll be too intimidated to approach anyway

that was mean
and didnt make any sense
plus he seems pretty confident in himself

but honestly, seriously tho

im tired of -my- heart and esteem
not being taken cared of

im tired of people taking it out on me
without risking needing to commit something back in return

eff
that doesnt make sense either

maybe--well
baring my soul and embarassingly honest-wise

maybe im impatient
and bored
and tired of not having a significant other

or more like getting exhasperated
that it doesnt seem like any one is going to or is going to be willing to be
no one i know or have met at least
no one i have any chance with either

its all so..
i dunno

i like playing
the lil kid kind
i just like to play

am i meeting their girl interaction quota?
and yet as many times as i say id prefer not to be thought of as a gender
itd be nice to be thought of still, vaguely, and i cant believe im saying this--but as a girl

and its like
whats wrong with me
am i not committable to?
not pretty enough?
too -socially- promiscuous? (like lotsa close-ish friends or something)

am i just not CRUSH material??

SEE
see what i mean though?
its DUMB
cuz on the other hand
i dont effing CARE if im crush on material--and the only part of me that does is (well my insecurities) and my EGO


cuz EFF
i dont WANT to be in relationship--not right now
or rather, why want to be in one
when i dont even have anyone in mind yknow?
cuz i really dont =/
cuz
nothing works out

maybe im too 'smart' (HAH) or attempting to be calculating for my own good
but i just dont see much of it turning out very well with anyone
things just dont click
and it never matches the first criteria

that im -important- to them

everyone makes me happy
but then there's a difference between makes and can make
if that makes any sense?

haha, i guess ill get to the good stuff later
the fun stuff i mean
cuz it -was- fun

it sorta was

but i just feel so
cut short
and lonely

i dont know where i stand
and i just
want to be in love
with Jesus again

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:09:01 PM): anthonnyy

gbaztard (5:09:08 PM): syp

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:09:12 PM): its me

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:09:16 PM): your not friend from high school

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:09:18 PM): but hannah

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:09:19 PM): hii

gbaztard (5:09:20 PM): HANhAH?!

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:09:23 PM): YEAH

gbaztard (5:09:28 PM): SUP

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:09:31 PM): HII

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:09:32 PM): question

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:09:36 PM): do you still go sharing on campus?

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:09:45 PM): and if or when you do, whats it like

gbaztard (5:09:46 PM): not as often as id like

gbaztard (5:09:50 PM): u wanna do it

gbaztard (5:09:51 PM): this week

gbaztard (5:09:52 PM):

gbaztard (5:09:57 PM): or TONIGHT @ the mall

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:10:03 PM): answurrrr the question sir!

gbaztard (5:10:04 PM): as in right NOW

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:10:08 PM): aaaghhh HW

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:10:10 PM): whats it liiike?

gbaztard (5:10:12 PM): uhh its basically the same as hawaii

gbaztard (5:10:15 PM): literally

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:10:15 PM): hmm

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:10:16 PM): hm

gbaztard (5:10:17 PM): almost the same

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:10:17 PM): HM

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:10:19 PM): =/

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:10:41 PM): how was sharing at conference for you?

gbaztard (5:10:58 PM): hmm i wana say it was good

gbaztard (5:11:05 PM): but ... i dont think i should be ranking my sharing experiences

gbaztard (5:11:17 PM): cause then .... id be like bummed later if i didnt get the results i wanted

gbaztard (5:11:24 PM): cause the results arent up to me anyway

gbaztard (5:11:26 PM): itS JESUS

gbaztard (5:11:41 PM): so im gonna say it was really good, but i gotta be expectant of

gbaztard (5:11:42 PM): God's results

gbaztard (5:11:44 PM): always and etc

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:11:52 PM): mmhm

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:11:57 PM): thats true..

gbaztard (5:12:01 PM): yea

gbaztard (5:12:02 PM): u

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:12:07 PM): what would have been 'bad' then?

gbaztard (5:12:14 PM): not going out

gbaztard (5:12:15 PM): not praying

gbaztard (5:12:19 PM): during sharing

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:12:21 PM): hmm it was okay, i dont know. if anything im ranking the state of my heart

gbaztard (5:12:23 PM): relying on pressure and my own expectatons

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:12:28 PM): actually if i put it that way

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:12:40 PM): then it wasnt so okay, the state of my heart that is

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:12:52 PM): agh--i demand SO much meaning in things

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:12:58 PM): that i get lost in all those meanings

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:13:07 PM): and forget what they -mean-

gbaztard (5:15:15 PM):[Offline IM sent 1m ago] im speaking in gneralties

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:15:50 PM): eep sorry

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:15:56 PM): can you repeat whatever you just said?

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:15:57 PM): my aim died

gbaztard (5:16:03 PM): gbaztard: performance basedgbaztard: STOP IT1gbaztard: !gbaztard: it takes time to stop watching urselfgbaztard: and to watch godgbaztard: hope that makes sensegbaztard: im speaking in gneralties

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:16:21 PM): eee yeahhh

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:16:22 PM): eeefff

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:16:37 PM): i hate it i haate it

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:17:00 PM): and i hate remembering how much im not above it--messing things up that is or like knowing not to do something but doing it anyway

gbaztard (5:17:26 PM): ddue u gotta

gbaztard (5:17:28 PM): give that junk to god

gbaztard (5:17:39 PM): cause like ... sharing gets better when u stop watching urself

gbaztard (5:17:44 PM): and analyzing how u performed

gbaztard (5:17:48 PM): thats econ, not jesus christ

gbaztard (5:17:59 PM): its something i really struggle w/

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:18:22 PM): its something i want to be more aware of that im struggling with

gbaztard (5:18:30 PM): wut ud ou eman

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:18:34 PM): haha like

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:18:39 PM): it cant come up enough for me to learn from

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:18:45 PM): -because- i dont share very much anyway

gbaztard (5:20:05 PM): u know what

gbaztard (5:20:11 PM): u went out in obedience and stuff tho

gbaztard (5:20:20 PM): and yea ... maybe were not on the same page

gbaztard (5:20:20 PM): but

gbaztard (5:20:37 PM): yea sharing isnt just about the right words

gbaztard (5:20:40 PM): ppl can usually read intent really easily

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:20:47 PM): yeahh..

gbaztard (5:20:49 PM): if ur intent really is to share christ out of love, not out of numbers

gbaztard (5:20:56 PM): and i do believe that u share for christ and no one else

gbaztard (5:21:00 PM): that is MUCH more important than

gbaztard (5:21:06 PM): whether u used the right word in a certain sentence

gbaztard (5:21:11 PM): or whether u mightve offended the person

gbaztard (5:21:22 PM): i think thats something that EPIC/cru style sharing

gbaztard (5:21:24 PM): doesnt incorporate

gbaztard (5:21:30 PM): epic/cru thinks it's all about the right words

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:21:30 PM): i feel like i need to fix evreything...like..insides everything

gbaztard (5:21:32 PM): when its not

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:21:41 PM): because its like a mess of mixed up wires in there

gbaztard (5:21:51 PM): can u fix the wires tho?

gbaztard (5:21:51 PM): ever?

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:21:51 PM): and i dont know what goes where or does what

gbaztard (5:22:00 PM): will you mess it up more if u try to fix it?

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:22:00 PM): no..but like..agh

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:22:10 PM): like i want to have the right intent

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:22:17 PM): i want to do more than say pretty words

gbaztard (5:22:24 PM): ur intellect cant control ur heart tho

gbaztard (5:22:27 PM): i think heart dictates intelect

gbaztard (5:22:33 PM): and i know that u got a pretty pure heart

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:22:34 PM): i want to share out of love

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:22:47 PM): not like its a chore or something, i just want to honestly be able to love people

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:22:52 PM): and not be too tired to let them into my life

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:23:24 PM): cuz like when it gets down to it i feel so..exhausted

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:23:35 PM): and God keeps telling me, rest rest rest

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:23:55 PM): and i keep not trusting that i wont miss out on the end of the world as we know it if i do

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:24:18 PM): like that if i dont keep moving

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:24:21 PM): life will happen without me

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:24:49 PM): and its like..something i dont want to risk

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:25:02 PM): but technically if life IS God

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:25:09 PM): then i shouldnt be so worriedabout missing anything

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:25:26 PM): cuz then im taking more joy out of things of this world or even the authentic joys of this world

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:25:33 PM): than the joy that Jesus CHrist can offer me

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:25:39 PM): and does offer me even more so in Heaven

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:25:48 PM): im not..as eternity minded as i should be

gbaztard (5:29:24 PM): if u were perfectly eternity minded tho

gbaztard (5:29:27 PM): thru ur own power

gbaztard (5:29:32 PM): why would u even need God tho?

gbaztard (5:29:45 PM): theres a reason we're saved, adn that's because it's almost impossible for us to focus on eternity, and eternity alone

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:30:44 PM): anthonyyy..why havent i grown?

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:30:48 PM): just gotten like..

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:30:54 PM): more confused, or cynical even

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:30:56 PM): jaded

gbaztard (5:31:09 PM): uh sorry to say this, but this is what Project does soemtimes

gbaztard (5:31:17 PM): projects a really good experience for sure

gbaztard (5:31:27 PM): but if u come back and expect to grow the amount that u did over project

gbaztard (5:31:32 PM): u will get bitter and resentful, as i have

gbaztard (5:31:39 PM): u are growing

gbaztard (5:31:43 PM): just in ways that u arent seeing

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:31:48 PM): haha thats not it tho..or at least i didnt think so

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:31:53 PM): so much as even in project

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:31:55 PM): well like

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:32:03 PM): project was also more frustrating than happy for me

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:32:09 PM): it was memorable yes, amazing yes

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:32:12 PM): but in the wow

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:32:32 PM): He fit HOW many issues into that small of a portion of my lifespan?

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:32:55 PM): and if anything i worry that because of that

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:33:04 PM): im bitter at my project friends and stuff for it

gbaztard (5:34:19 PM): dude read psalm 70 real quick

gbaztard (5:34:26 PM): doesnt relate completely, but i feel like itll click

gbaztard (5:34:48 PM): i just prayed psalm 67 for u hahah

i think im
out of words for now
but when do i
really tho
like especially after this weekend, im wondering
when do i
run out of tears?

gbaztard (5:36:28 PM): yea i dont got anymore good advice, out of it

gbaztard (5:36:30 PM): dig into the Word, SIR

gbaztard (5:36:35 PM): cause thats where the real answers are?

gbaztard (5:36:43 PM): hope im not copping out

gbaztard (5:37:46 PM): all right i got one last piece before i shower:

gbaztard (5:37:56 PM): i feel as if you don't feel that your emotions are legitimate

gbaztard (5:38:13 PM): i feel like u feel awful for feeling frustration

gbaztard (5:38:19 PM): and in turn, make yourself even more frustrated

gbaztard (5:38:25 PM): its the vicious cycle of self-observation

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:38:29 PM): ee nooo im reading it..thank you so much anthony, for praying for me i mean

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:38:34 PM): and yeahhh..well like

gbaztard (5:38:34 PM): it keeps the gaze on yourself

gbaztard (5:38:37 PM): and in the end, not on God

gbaztard (5:38:46 PM): BIBLE

gbaztard (5:38:48 PM): YEA BABY

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:38:49 PM): i dont feel like i should be frustrated

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:38:59 PM): haha eff

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:39:02 PM): youre right D:

gbaztard (5:39:12 PM): dude self-analysis, for people like us

gbaztard (5:39:15 PM): only leads us into the dark

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:39:20 PM): seriously

gbaztard (5:39:21 PM): cause we observe ourselves so much

gbaztard (5:39:26 PM): stop watching urself, hannah

gbaztard (5:39:31 PM): ur going back to prison

gbaztard (5:39:38 PM): just because uve been there before

gbaztard (5:39:45 PM): cause its more comfortable than the freedom of christ

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:40:00 PM): and less responsibility

gbaztard (5:40:06 PM): for sure

gbaztard (5:40:11 PM): u just want less responsibility

gbaztard (5:40:19 PM): thinking urself to death kills your energy

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:40:23 PM): haha cuz im a pansy

gbaztard (5:40:24 PM): so u got an 'excuse' not to witness

gbaztard (5:40:30 PM): even THAT statement that u just said

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:40:34 PM): yeahh..

gbaztard (5:40:34 PM): is an extension of what we're talking about

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:40:36 PM): eep

gbaztard (5:40:39 PM): hahaha

gbaztard (5:40:41 PM): life is NUTS

gbaztard (5:40:52 PM): too much self-deprecatio

gbaztard (5:40:53 PM): nAGADJLG

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:41:05 PM): thats true..cuz who cares if im a pansy

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:41:08 PM): cuz God isn't

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:41:14 PM): and its not about me, but about Him

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:41:15 PM): right?

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:41:16 PM): aagh

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:42:03 PM): conference must be so different every year

gbaztard (5:42:06 PM): dude stop punching urself in the face

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:42:06 PM): how was it this year for you?

gbaztard (5:42:15 PM): theres enough ppl out there who wanna punch us in teh face already

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:42:16 PM): D: D: habit

gbaztard (5:42:16 PM): haha

pSycHoTic Dr3aM (5:42:19 PM): hahaha

gbaztard (5:42:22 PM): dont help them win

gbaztard (5:42:25 PM): :O