fridays are therapeutic

this title doesn't do it justice

i'm..breathing
of course, sadistic as i am, the first thing i thought when i realized how much spare time i allowed my self on fridays was: Oh man, I should put in more work hours...! =o?!

xD So obviously i bring a lot this stuff onto myself

but im realizing just how much of a difference 13 units really is making in my every day life

given, im still paranoid and stressed over the huge term paper, and midterm i have no idea how to do, and--well..admittedly not so much the sociology of gender midterm, but that one might be surprisingly hard who knows, i just -enjoy- the class SO much, though

i really, really do

i feel..like my work is manageable/handle-able
so im more eager/cant wait to do it
for class i mean
actually, that goes for work too

i love the feeling of actually being productive
i made myself a scheduled checklist for throughout the whole quarter
it. feels. so. good.
like, working at my own pace. setting my own deadlines..or i guess i could say schedule
cuz they give me the deadlines on when to have assignments done for work--and i set my own deadline on when ill have it done or what i work on in what week

omgsh thatd be an ideal job
along with therapy shtuff and meeting with people

i really dont -know- what im good at
i realize this when i realize how much im not as good as kids as i thought
its like the whole pet thing
you'd think id be good with animals, i look like someone who would be
and its not that i dont ADORE and LOVE children
but i dont have the proper kind of authority to work with them as professionally, i've realized
i think the fact that i just compared them to pets just now is one of the biggest hints of that >> *cough*

so im not..good with that
but i still love kids
one of the reasons im not good with kids is cuz--as one of the other sunday school assistant people told me when i was volunteering for it last year--i end up blending right in
i sit with the kids and they pick on me or i pick on them
and i think--its not that i cant do it
i -caaan- be okay with children
but need to work on being more authoritative

but it brings me to what i -do- enjoy
which really is just...listening to people, or interpreting them
and in turn, enjoying them..?
like..i really do
i didnt think it could count as a 'talent' or not necessarily a talent but some sort of skill
until ray was telling me the other day just how hard it was for him--not that he doesnt like people
but that apparently it takes some people a lil bit more effort to be interested enough/or get themselves to put in the effort to care to ask how other people are doing and sincerely knooow whats going on or wrong.
(disclaimer: this doesnt make ray like antisocial or selfish or anything, and this doesnt make me some sort of martyr-ly world peace i love everyone kid either)

i..love thinking

nabi was right the other night, i was not happy @@
cuz at that moment i was sooo frustrated i guess
just unhappy with a lot of random things
ones i listed haha
and also cuz i was all lonely en peopel deprived/isolated
cuz priya wasnt home
and i couldnt contact peopel on the outside world cuz internet connection kept dying
u u'

i eventually went downstairs tho...
and got into a randomly intense convo with dan na
and yet another even more intense-ish one last night
faith is funny, man
but..totally not

i feel like God's showing me or teaching me to slowly be more okay with who i am
even how i receive things..like..being honest

im tired of pretending that i 'get it'
just to hold onto the status of someone who does
and has something to offer
cuz really
i have nothing

its all from Him

im tired of thinking that im not worth the break
or time or effort
...not that i still wont think it

but ill try to
little by little
'try to'
some more =]

hmm

i feel so..happy today

the india mission trip might -actually- happen for me this summer
my family is amazing
priya fills my heart with LOOVE
(and i woke up this morning to a package...
she ordered me a box of heart shaped chocolate topped cookies from a fancy chocolate shop online ;_;!!! cuz we were looking at the site together en i saw the square shaped ones and i was like--oOohhmgsh i LOVE these o_o. ...wait. Eff 8 bucks? I dont love them THAT much. I'm sure we'll find em elsewhere. en she was like hahaha yeahh.
;_; Im too spoiled.)
and michelle and i's friendship seems to be doing better
i want to..head warning on possible cheesiness, but
i want to
dream with her forever
i want to want adventures
and dream of them
and someday
go through with them
with someone whose heart probably beats
just as fast as mine somehow does
when talking about..other cultures, orphanages, living in another country, small coffee shops in france, and painting near the waters in Greece

..hm
remind me to write a 'poem' about docks btw
i just image googled them
and they're like..eff
amazing
trecherous
and exciting
like a bridge
you begin
and from where you're standing
can see
an unknown
invisible
ending
to what you can see
and know
is real
to what you can only hope
will remain real
or hope
doesn't
when you take
the final step
and fall in

its like a bridge
and it becomes
invisible, midway
like a pathway
it could be a pathway
where suddenly--
at a certain point
everything
stops
existing

as if its been
erased
yet remains
an unfinished
path
you have to
fall in
yourself

...uh
well there you go i guess
yet..not quite
oh well

...<3


i feel so grateful to God
that He..gives me a place to stay
before i even have a chance
to realize ive lost my place in another
not so much in a depressing way..but like in an anti depressing one
where He's almost given me blinders
to keep me from feeling bad
because as i move on from one chapter to another
He's already filled this chapter with enough love
to sustain me in lieu of the previous chapter
...yeah
(did I use 'in lieu' correctly, Yuki? D: .)

people are so passionate
i love listening to alwin talk
and really honestly sincerely enjoy
hearing and seeing
people so passionate over what they have to say too
and taking joy in that
listening to dan was kind of the same way
i was listening, and its not like i dont get it
but its just so..nice to listen
and enjoy them
enjoying themselves

and i dont mean that in a huh-huh you enjoy yourself D: way
but in a...
people SHOULD
...yeahhh
people SHOULD be enjoying themselves
people should be enjoying who they are
and what theyve been given
and loving
what they've been given to love

n n
and i feel so..incredibly lucky
im super scared over stress, yes, but upon retrospect this quarter is just enough time
and SO necessary at this point in my life also
to give me enough time to be dealing with what i need to deal with
to sort out or try to understand or discern what im faced with faith-wise

i want to spend my time pursuing people...and i feel like..
i just feel so many prayers being answered

priya and i are getting along well, i actually DO my work and ENJOY it (sick i know) even tho i do and am still naturally inclined to fall behind (which by my current definition may also mean not be completely ahead either), im getting to know new people like the freshmen girls tomorrow, ara and ariel yesterday, brian, alwin, and dan na, michelle and i had a reaally good H&M time today, i -love- dorothy, i have and love yuki and nabi (which in themselves get me through so many days), ive ended up hanging out with people even accidentally which is exactly what i wanted, and im..breathing

sort of <3

Lord, help me not be complacent
whatever that means
because i feel like i've lived in that for a lil while
even if it was a frantic or stressful complacency

Help me to love
others above myself
and You above all things

help me to
NEED
and be okay with needing
and above all
need -You-.