and my heart turns violently

inside of my chest."

sometimes, i feel like
im always on the verge
of crying

and sometimes
ill walk
and my vision will blur
and ill know, im not sleepy--
im wide awake.
with tears

that stay put
cuz they have nowhere
to go

but most times
i feel like
sometimes
i have
no tears

or the ability
to cry
anymore
for anything

...but im probably lying.


i look straight into your eyes
and realize, i cant
or dont have
the nerve to

cuz your eyes, are probably
braver than mine
but at the same time
so. much. more.
afraid.

than i could only
barely begin
to imagine

and i know
theyll stay dry
while mine
well up
with tears

and i know,
youll blink away
what i wish
with all my heart
and all the
breaking pieces
of yours

that you wouldn't.

feel the need to

anymore.

it shouldnt happen.
...im sorry it did
it IS unfair

it DOES hurt

and it shouldn't
it shouldn't
why did it--

..but it did happen

and i wish
with all of me
even the selfish parts--
especially the selfish parts

that you wouldn't have to

that i could protect you

that this could be a world

that yours could be a world

where you wouldn't
need. to be. protected.

where somehow
there was a way
for me to promise

you'll be safe
you'll be okay

that i'll love you--

but even if i dont

and especially the moments i wont

i know, that plenty of times i wont

or i may as well not have the rights
to claim to do so

im so scared for you

..do you hear me?

cuz even when i dont.
when i cant.
when im unable to.

..please know

that He does

that He loves you.

that i will fail
that They will fail

They have already

that we'll fail


and so might you

but that...

He wont

..and He hasn't

and while i may not have the right
to tell you

"it'll be okay"

even if it sounds like
a sugar coated lie

coming from my own
selfish, self-serving,
fearful,
ignorant.
lips

that He has said it

and has said it first
and says it

again and again and again

and because He has said so

..it turns from words

to Truth.

the truth I could never promise
but that we've all
already
been promised


the only Truth
we could possibly
hold onto
while the world
crumbles.
around us
and fails

and when we start to believe
that we can't dare
not believe what they say

that His truth
will speak
will.
speak.

Louder,
more powerfully,
and with the authority
and truth
that our own voices are too audible
to speak with





Lord, I have no strength
to make it all okay
for any one

I surrender my words
my actions, my fears,
my heart God

and all the people
who make up the pieces of it

and together,
give it a reason
to keep beating
sincerely

i pray
i pray, Lord.

because its all
i can do...
and because its what
I've been called
to do

i'll love, Lord
but i will fail
and you know that
and i'll be afraid
and i'll lie
and i'll pretend to be more able
than i really am

and i'll be angry, or bitter, or scared
and helpless

Lord..i'll be helpless

but i'll love, Lord
knowing
i will fall short

but that You will catch me
and that You will also be
the One

who has already
been broken
to break
our fall.

Lord, I thank you
that when i am afraid for her, for him,
that when I am afraid
...of him
...of her

that You will save
where my hands
are too afraid
to reach

are unable to reach

and the chains that bind us
will be replaced
by your arms
wrapped so tightly
around us
holding us
close to You

until all of our broken pieces
have molded back
into one

and our tired hearts
beat again
and our dry eyes
weep
what we've been too afraid to
what we've been weeping for too long

and when those tears
can turn
into overwhelming joy

...and we can be whole again

maybe for the first time
we'll finally get a glimpse
even just a glimpse
of the extent of how much
You love us, God


and how true
that Love is.

Lord, please..complete us
and be the Truth
we were too afraid to
and couldnt dare embrace

and embrace us, Lord
with the sincere love that only You can give
that knows no human restraint or fear
that Loves
so. fully.

that we can't wrap our minds around it
...maybe because
we're too busy
trying to wrap our minds around

matters that
only the heart
can understand

that the heart
has been too afraid
to come out of hiding
and open up to hope for
or receive


Lord, thank you for Your truth
and even if
we cant wrap our minds--wrap our hearts
around it now..

i thank you, Lord
that You give us reason
and a powerful Truth that speaks

"Perfect love casts out all fear.."

...we don't have to be afraid anymore.

it is necessary ...

...to attend every training session

to receive certification as a California Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence Peer Counselor.
Here is a list of the dates and their corresponding locations:

February 22 (Davis PD); 5:30pm-10pm

February 24 (Law Library); 5:30pm-10pm

February 27 (Woodland PD); 8:30 am-4pm

March 1 (Law Library); 5:30pm-10pm

March 3 (Law Library); 8pm-10pm

March 6 (Woodland PD); 8:30 am-4pm

March 8 (Law Library) 5:30pm-10pm

March 10 (Law Library); 5:30pm-10pm

March 13 (Woodland PD); 8:30 am-4pm

March 15 (Davis PD); 5:30pm-10pm

March 17 (Law Library); 5:30pm-10pm

March 20 (Davis PD); 8:30 am-4pm

March 22 (Davis PD); 5:30pm-10pm

March 24 (Law Library); 5:30pm-10pm

Monday classes 5:30pm-10pm at the Davis PD (March 1 and March 3 at the Law Library)

Wednesday classes 5:30-10pm at the Law Library

Saturday classes 8:30am-3:30/4pm (the Woodland PD except March 20)

i. am. determined.
to prove
that the priorities
and busy-ness
of grown up-dom
and adulthood
(they mean different things, honest!!)
can still be made
to have set-aside time
and room
for adventures.

by turning/remembering
that every experience
can be one.

bear hunter + college student + peer counselor + family + friend,
hannah piol

(and yes, i DID catch the irony
that the descriptions before my name
looked very much like a gravestone epitaph D : )

"what makes your heart come alive..." pt. 2

bear hunting.

and the indescribable privilege
of having the amazing blessing
of such loving, incredible, RIDICULOUS friends.

..who would go THIS far,
for something as simple
as quite possibly making my LIFE.

and giving me hope
for things to believe in
whether its bear hunting,
heroic adventures, life, peril,
or epic background music that plays upon entering a room

or even the chance to believe
that all those things can co-exist
and that being grown up
doesn't mean any less ridiculousness
but if anything,
practical access
to making these ridiculous things
come to life

just like we always imagined it would
wished it could
thought it should
when we were little < 3

"...ask what makes your heart come alive."

-when Gabe called me
and took me up on my offer to bring him dinner

-that I was allowed to be present
in Alex Deng's experience in rejuvenating his faith
during Epic Conference =]

-when i know i can come home
and crawl into priyas bed
and cry
like a pansy
and still be hugged for it

-when my dad calls me cuz he's excited
that he gets to give me a present for no reason

-when my little brother says
that he's been praying all day
because its all he can do

-when my sister calls
and asks what lent is
...and tells me
she knows
she isnt ready
but wishes
with all her heart
that she could be

-when my little brother asks me to pray for him

-when my parents ask me to pray for them

-when my mom offers to pray for me too < 3

-when i get a text message from a friend to hang out =]

-when i get to sniffle over doughnut holes with chrissy
and share our love for brightly colored rainboots
(even if she probly thinks im crazy)

-when ashley texted me..
and with her own initiative asked
if we could meet earlier in the week < 3


-when i can look at these girls around me
(and in a totally non creeper-ishway dangit)
just sincerely, and in awe
think to myself
how beautiful these women can be < 3


-when someone tells you they believe in you
without even using those words exactly =]


-when mike introduces me as his arch nemesis =p

-when michelle goes 'hi poop!'
and i get to call her wuvvy dovey sweetie umpkins
and other disgusting variations in return

-good convos with mason =]

-crayola/ice cream truck dresses
and swimwear that come with their own theme songs

-pancakes with priya and my roomates =]

-this is kind of a given--but just about every time
i get to have d-time with chrissy and ashley

-picking on andy

-that i can picture the steven-cringe very well in my head now
the one where you know youve just said something ridiculous
cuz he's about to respond, seems to be rethinking
cuz he cant decide if hes talking to a crazy person or not

-anything and EVERYTHING
that has to do with bear hunting
and the people i get to adventure with during it

-...just about every time i hear matt ing say
"cuz he's had it too good, for too long!"
just cuz i know how much he musta waited/LOVED
getting to build up into saying it

-when someone is willing
to just sit in a fort with me
and take turns napping
and playing with fake virtual ipod campfires

-when i get silly picture text messages
from my dad, just saying hello < 3

-when i get to write lists like these
and know that no matter how extensive they get
there'll always be more to add
cuz God really is..
just that good =].
[obvious understatement]

forgot rest/sick days were an option...

and i dont seem to know how to properly abide by them

i called in to tell my boss i wasn't feeling so good--
but! that id be there soon, just wanted to call and let him know
that i may leave a couple hours early today because of it

his response?
umm if youre not feeling good, then you dont have to go to work
you havent called in sick once, you dont have to come today
and i sat there completely confused
but there's work and stuff due?
and he said--well yes
but we can find a way to work around those
if you're not feeling well, you don't have to go to work


...i think it's that last line
yknow, the shouldve-been-super-obvious-one?
was like an epiphany..!
...that i apparently quickly ignored
but an epiphany nonetheless!

and by ignored i mean--i DIDNT go back to bed
when it was seriously like, painfuulll to get out to begin with
instead i figure i am already awake
so im going to use my waking hours to work on my paper some more
and go to the career fair a lil later or something before it ends

i know i should probably sleep..
im pretty sure i should have been like--
since last night

i think sneezing's probably normal
my body just likes to bluff sometimes
but i know itll probably get better with enough rest
....whenever that is =x

im sitting on the couch with my laptop to do work
and it reminds me of studying with him
glancing across the couch at each other
and the words FOCUS! being silently but urgently mouthed or implied
forcing me to bury my head back in my book or behind my screen

the eye contact is worth it tho < 3
i think i just enjoy the company
i think i just enjoy the rest

"Favorite color?"
"Green otters."
"Favorite dinosaur?"
"T-Rex."
"If you were on a deserted island
with one dinosaur which dinosaur would you like that to be?"
"T-Rex."
"On an average day, what do you do?"
"...Ummm."

[Just Another Day
by 78 Pound Tuna]

"What's your favorite color?"
"Green otter!"
"Why?"
"T-Rex."
"If you could meet one person dead or alive who would you meet?"
"T. -Rex."
"How do most of your days end?"
"...They don't."

my leprosy hurts

the part of me that isn't doing work
that is somehow still slacking off
that isn't doing what its supposed to
that is stressed, tired, and exhausted
that isn't living up to expectations
that's tired of expectations to live up to
that is unsure--about everything
but cant let anyone else know
just how unsure it is

that wants to
rest

but hasn't. but has.
but honestly?
hasn't

the part of me that keeps repeating
that what im doing is wasting time
the part of me--the most of me
that actually, really is

the part of me that wishes
that things were different
or not the way they un-changeably are

the part of me that's tired
and knows--not yet
and that i shouldn't be

the part of me that wishes i knew better
and especially the part
that already does
but does these things anyway


the part of me
that crumbles away

and doesn't want to be seen for it

the part of me that wants to be healed
but cowers away, pretending not to see
the hand that healed the leper's spots
that has rests itself, over mine
and holds on...to me
even when i'm
too afraid to

another day begins

I hear you breathing in
Another day begins
The stars are falling out
My dreams are fading now, fading out

I've been keeping my eyes wide open
I've been keeping my eyes wide open

Your love is a symphony
All around me
Running through me
Your love is a melody
Underneath me
Running to me

Oh, Your love is a song

The dawn is fire bright
Against the city lights
The clouds are glowing now
The moon is blacking out,
is blacking out

So I've been keeping my mind
wide open
I've been keeping my mind
wide open

Your love is a symphony
All around me
Running through me
Your love is a melody
Underneath me
Running to me

Oh, Your love is a song
Your love is a song
Oh, Your love is a song
Your love is strong

With my eyes wide open
I've got my eyes wide open
I've been keeping
my hopes
unbroken

Your love is a symphony
All around me
Running through me
Your love is a melody
Underneath me
Running to me

Your love is a song
Yeah, yeah
Your love is my remedy
Oh Your love is a song

i want to write
pretty words
like these,

to a Savior
who will hear me.

to the perfect yellow rainboots

dear incomprehensibly amazing yellow boots at the student store window
that would be impractical of me to even TRY to conceive of buying,

...i pretended not to see you today.
i walked right by, with only a glance, and no eye contact.

it hurt..but it was for the best.
for both of us.

no, i haven't bought the dress we promised we'd wear together
(yellow is tricky to pair a dress with, but at least i'm set on the black stockings/tights)
and no..i haven't...and i can't tell the others about you

..try to understand.
i have rainboots and two other boots waiting for me at home
and grey ankle boots i've only ever worn once

the karma of my life of polygamy has finally caught up to me.

and now the season's ending
soon it'll be all sun..and no rain.
and my reasons to justify buying you--would also fade
with the clouds in the clearing sky.


it doesn't help that you aren't even justifiably perfect for bear hunting (just for everything else, dear)..if that were the case, then it would be my call of DUTY to get you. i can only have so many impractical bear hunting gear items...

but you couldn't even do that, now could you? =/

no--i--wait, i didn't mean that.

...it's not you.
it's me.

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together
Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

The happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was never ending
Oh Wouldn't it be nice

i hope someday you find what you are looking for.
i found what i was...but i had to let it go.
i had to let you go.

please don't wait for me.
(EFF, i dont mean that!)


missing you,
hannah

motivation

there's so much to do--
you'd think that would be easier to come by =/.

might be more hopeful than it sounds,
hannah