and my heart turns violently

inside of my chest."

sometimes, i feel like
im always on the verge
of crying

and sometimes
ill walk
and my vision will blur
and ill know, im not sleepy--
im wide awake.
with tears

that stay put
cuz they have nowhere
to go

but most times
i feel like
sometimes
i have
no tears

or the ability
to cry
anymore
for anything

...but im probably lying.


i look straight into your eyes
and realize, i cant
or dont have
the nerve to

cuz your eyes, are probably
braver than mine
but at the same time
so. much. more.
afraid.

than i could only
barely begin
to imagine

and i know
theyll stay dry
while mine
well up
with tears

and i know,
youll blink away
what i wish
with all my heart
and all the
breaking pieces
of yours

that you wouldn't.

feel the need to

anymore.

it shouldnt happen.
...im sorry it did
it IS unfair

it DOES hurt

and it shouldn't
it shouldn't
why did it--

..but it did happen

and i wish
with all of me
even the selfish parts--
especially the selfish parts

that you wouldn't have to

that i could protect you

that this could be a world

that yours could be a world

where you wouldn't
need. to be. protected.

where somehow
there was a way
for me to promise

you'll be safe
you'll be okay

that i'll love you--

but even if i dont

and especially the moments i wont

i know, that plenty of times i wont

or i may as well not have the rights
to claim to do so

im so scared for you

..do you hear me?

cuz even when i dont.
when i cant.
when im unable to.

..please know

that He does

that He loves you.

that i will fail
that They will fail

They have already

that we'll fail


and so might you

but that...

He wont

..and He hasn't

and while i may not have the right
to tell you

"it'll be okay"

even if it sounds like
a sugar coated lie

coming from my own
selfish, self-serving,
fearful,
ignorant.
lips

that He has said it

and has said it first
and says it

again and again and again

and because He has said so

..it turns from words

to Truth.

the truth I could never promise
but that we've all
already
been promised


the only Truth
we could possibly
hold onto
while the world
crumbles.
around us
and fails

and when we start to believe
that we can't dare
not believe what they say

that His truth
will speak
will.
speak.

Louder,
more powerfully,
and with the authority
and truth
that our own voices are too audible
to speak with





Lord, I have no strength
to make it all okay
for any one

I surrender my words
my actions, my fears,
my heart God

and all the people
who make up the pieces of it

and together,
give it a reason
to keep beating
sincerely

i pray
i pray, Lord.

because its all
i can do...
and because its what
I've been called
to do

i'll love, Lord
but i will fail
and you know that
and i'll be afraid
and i'll lie
and i'll pretend to be more able
than i really am

and i'll be angry, or bitter, or scared
and helpless

Lord..i'll be helpless

but i'll love, Lord
knowing
i will fall short

but that You will catch me
and that You will also be
the One

who has already
been broken
to break
our fall.

Lord, I thank you
that when i am afraid for her, for him,
that when I am afraid
...of him
...of her

that You will save
where my hands
are too afraid
to reach

are unable to reach

and the chains that bind us
will be replaced
by your arms
wrapped so tightly
around us
holding us
close to You

until all of our broken pieces
have molded back
into one

and our tired hearts
beat again
and our dry eyes
weep
what we've been too afraid to
what we've been weeping for too long

and when those tears
can turn
into overwhelming joy

...and we can be whole again

maybe for the first time
we'll finally get a glimpse
even just a glimpse
of the extent of how much
You love us, God


and how true
that Love is.

Lord, please..complete us
and be the Truth
we were too afraid to
and couldnt dare embrace

and embrace us, Lord
with the sincere love that only You can give
that knows no human restraint or fear
that Loves
so. fully.

that we can't wrap our minds around it
...maybe because
we're too busy
trying to wrap our minds around

matters that
only the heart
can understand

that the heart
has been too afraid
to come out of hiding
and open up to hope for
or receive


Lord, thank you for Your truth
and even if
we cant wrap our minds--wrap our hearts
around it now..

i thank you, Lord
that You give us reason
and a powerful Truth that speaks

"Perfect love casts out all fear.."

...we don't have to be afraid anymore.