dumb dog

the laundry room door.

no matter what,
that's where my puppy kept coming back
and ending up at =/

shae got spayed today
and besides all the other worries that come with
having a newly fixed/just out of surgery pet..
(lack of energy, pains, etc)
is the fact that i feel like my pet,
shae in particular,
comes with the added complication
....of being extremely.
dumb. D:

like..seriously.
this thing does NOT know when to quit.

all she knows is that she's tired,
things don't feel good
she doesn't feel right
she's restricted (cone u_u )
and she's not the way
she's supposed
to be.

..but instead of obediently resting,
or listening to what we're trying to get her to do
like, drinking a lil bit of water so shes not dehydrated
eating even just one bite,
so hunger doesn't add even more uncomfortableness to her symptoms

or like, i dunno, what about
NOT jumping off from high places,
like the couch to the floor, or vice versa?! (she's a TINY dog, dangit)
only to cry out,
in the most pitiful, confused, surprised, lil puppy cry
we've ever heard ><

and she'll pause for a second,
dumbfounded, scared.
why does it hurt?
who would do this to her?
isn't she in enough pain already?
why..why does it hurt more?!

...not realizing, for a second
or having the capability,
to understand...

that it's her.

that she's the one who caused that sharp pain.
she's the one who increased risk to what was trying to heal
that it's her..doing what she thinks is best,
doing whatever it is SHE wants to do

that caused that sharp jab
in her own, newly stitched up tummy

she wouldn't even take her own pain medicine, dangit!
we spent a good 15 mins, trying to coax her into opening her mouth
trying to get her to eat it, picking it up when she spit it back out
and watching to make sure she swallows it whole
the whole time facing the hurt glare
of a confused, indignant looking puppy
feeling as if she's being bullied by the very people she loves
or who claim to love her, by being forced to eat it

i kept feeling like i was being overprotective
or paranoid, even, when i was sitting on my sister's bed w/ her
my sister has a super tall queen size bed..
and after restless laying down a nd getting up
shae got up and was wandering over near the edge
then sitting down quickly, as if to lay down when I panic and reach for her
then pretending to rest her head down to sleep
only to get up again as soon as ive seemed to divert my attention

and im like. im crazy. that's crazy.
my dog is a little slow, but after her couch jumps you'd think she'd know--
of COURSE she wouldnt even DREAM of jumping off
a place like this

...i had to
DIVE. D:
across the bed for that thing,
when in a moment's notice,
she made it to the edge,
and crouched back on her hind legs
to leap off the zillion times her height top of the bed
only to basically keel herself on the way down
cuz of her stitches

you should have seen
the LOOK.
on her face
when she wobbled as fast as she could
to the open backyard's glass door
only for me to shut it as soon as i saw her approaching

she looked up at me
like i was the BIGGEST villain
in all of pet owner history
she had ever been so unfortunate enough to see

i know this is a lot of space
to be rambling about,
my dumb dog

but for the record
as much as she drives me crazy
i love her.

i love her
like i do those little mini cakes at the lil bakery shops
the ones that probably taste exactly
like their bigger, and cheaper version counterparts
in the other store, or in slice form next to it
but cost extra
just cuz they're adorable. and small.

..again, a little too much pet-owner rambling there.

but i think what stands out the most to me about this entire exhausting ordeal...

is how much
we're all
just.
like.
her.

when we're happy,
we're happy.
we've got our own important business to attend to
our own, limited vision goals and purposes.

im sorry, im busy right now.
i just know i saw that cricket here somewhere.
or..you just don't understand
i NEED to get that ball
not just any ball
the purple one.
yeah. that one
huh? why?
..well. cuz i can.
and i will.
hm? well..yeah. i know itll just be thrown again
but ill get it anyway. and ill bring it back
it'll be great! we can do this all day!
what a productive day it'll be!
or..
arent you proud of me? cmon?
praise me! look at the way i barked at that passing car.
it's never gonna come back here again, i'll tell you that.
im gonna bark at it again if it does.
cmon, love me! hey..be proud of me!
i brought the ball back--
look at me!

ramblings of a spoiled, and totally unaware
self-absorbed, self-important little kids
who've decided the way we see the world
is the way it must be

and therefore,
anyone who gets in the way of that
must be doing something
very, very wrong

and the scary part is that we think these things
not just about circumstances, decisions, life choices, or people...

...but even about our God.

there is
NO. way.
for my puppy
no matter how many genius doggy classes she takes
years of training she receives
or years of experience she lives

there is no way,
that in those years that she lives
that she may ever...EVER see the benefit,
or understand why or how on earth
there could possibly be a good reason
for what just happened to her

for how she feels. for the things that hurt.
eff, even for the humiliatingly tricky clear cone she has to wear
and repeatedly bump herself into the doorway with

there is no way
to explain, or make her comprehend
the purpose
of any of these things

that..that even if she doesn't get in contact with other dogs
that there are higher risks, health-wise..for her not to get spayed
that this is somehow healthier for her,
or will help her live longer
or that it will prevent her from
any future risks
if there ever were any encounters
or any motherly heartbreaks
when her puppies are given away one by one
while she sulks, left behind in her own home without them

...it's just like us.
and the limited understanding we have
of the things God's will
allows to happen in our lives

we sulk, we cry, we're angry, we're upset
we continue to do the reckless, or seemingly responsible
or common sense things we want to do
because we want to do them

and we try to push our will
on the situation we're in
as if our will
should be the one in control
and not the under-acknowledged
more powerful will
of the One who made us to begin with

we may never
understand, the purpose
or reason, or greater good
or situation
that we're really in
..but what we really have to understand
and keep in mind
..is the nature
of the God
who put us, or allowed us to be in them

the nature of our God
who wants the best for us
who understands us
who wants the pain to go away
who spends His time
watching over bratty little you
while you glare at Him for the things that go wrong
allowing you to blame Him, if it's what will help you feel better at the time
but knowing someday,
we'll realize that to do so
isn't the thing that will lead us any closer to the healing
we've sought after
for so long

..regardless of these limitations, though
i think..somewhere in there
unconsciously, somewhere in our own nature
identity, will, or heart
..i think we do understand

even just a little bit

that there's something missing?
that there's something out there?
that there is a purpose to the desire to love and be loved?

..cuz, for example, my puppy
shae who looked up at me just a second ago
with the most betrayed, looking-at-a-bully-looking eyes
..is now
once again

curled up on the pillow
next to me leg
leaning back against my shin
and taking a nap < 3

that has to be the one comforting thing
i've observed all evening

that regardless of the ..er..lets say
communication/language barrier
and disagreements, and conflicts of interests
in these seven hours that she's been home

all evening, the one consistent thing she's done
(besides make dumb decisions D: )
is that no matter what,
she always seems to be drawn back
...
to warmth < 3

more specifically..human warmth?
mine..my dad's, my brother's, gramma's, my sister's?

my dad discovered it first
when as soon as he finally finished cooking
he picked up a trembling, wobbly shae
and sat down on his armchair-ish seat in the living room
and let her lay against his stomach,
and for a while..just..held her
just like that
petting her

it was the first time all evening
that my dazed dog and flustered dog
finally seemed to settle down

she's followed a consistent pattern
i took a turn holding her, so did my sister
and eventually when my sis went out
i let her lay on the bed next to me while i typed
and despite not wanting/being able to lay on me anymroe completely
she'd make sure to curl up
just close enough
so that some part of her body would be touching mine

even now, after id committed the horrible act
of slamming the glass backyard door shut at her face
she sulked long enough to curl up in a corner in the other side of the floor
only to eventually come back to lay on the pillow, but facing away from me
but now, to being sprawled, laying back against my shin once again
while she naps, monopolizing the pillow,
i had originally asked my brother to bring down for me to sit on

..i think whether we know what grace is
or understand, or have ever been in contact
with Christianity, or faith

i think that we as people
..have that hope.
that hope
that seeks that warmth
from something
that nurtures
and something
that forgives.

whether we understand it or not
i think we, like shae,
in our limited understanding of how the world works
are somehow drawn
to that unexplained warmth

the one that
follows us around,
even when we don't want to be
or think we're too capable
to need to be looked after

the one that pushes a pillow for us to rest on
towards our direction
even after we've sulked,
blaming it for our tiredness to begin with

the one that
pets our hair,
when we've fallen asleep
even after the way
we openly villanized it in our wake

i know that
my love for my dog
(especially a troublemaker like this one D: )
is nowhere near in comparison to the kind of love
that God feels, so passionately for us
and pours out,
so relentlessly
for our sake

..but if anything
that just makes it
even more humbling
that such love
would be poured out
on such selfish lil kid creatures
like us to begin with

...as i write this
im sitting on the laundry room floor
as i have been for the past two hours
with my two dogs
(im afraid she'll do something dumb if left alone @@)

when i left my sister's room to wash my hands
apparently, my genius puppy made a break for it
and hobbled down her painful way down the first set of stairs
and was hurrying for the second set, when she saw me rushing down after her

after picking her up and letting her go downstairs,
i followed her..wondering what on earth she could possibly be doing
only to watch her go into the unlit laundry room (how emo ._. )
pace back and forth, only to curl up at the corner of the door
that leads to the garage outside

..after i got past thinking how ridiculous it was
to leave a perfectly soft bed
and upstairs AC,
for this unlit room by herself

i realized what this laundry room door
must actually mean

..it's the room where her loved ones
disappear.
and more importantly
the place where
they reappear

we use this door more than the front door
when we leave the house and come back

im wondering who she could possibly be waiting for
and i remember, that actually...
i'm relatively new here
im nice--i spose
and they play with me?

but my sister is the one
that takes care of them
day in and day out

and this was the door
that she disappeared into
right before she headed to go out with her friends

i only realized that she came back to this spot every time my sis leaves
cuz my sis left way earlier for the store, just for half an hour or so
and shae kept pacing around the downstairs as if looking for something
then coming back to this very door

...on the topic of warmth
i think she came back here
to wait for the
most familiar
warmth
that she could remember

the most familiar
warmth
of all

...i wonder how many of us are sitting there
in our own metaphorical laundry room floor
waiting for a familiar warmth
to return

and i wonder how many of us
realize
the names
for that warmth

..like Grace
Hope
Love
and faith?