i hate to break it to you

but I’m not drowning

There’s no one here [for you] to save

Who cares if you disagree?
you are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent,
all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump
up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But [it's like] you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down,
...just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
[i am not He]
Who made us king of anything?

So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me--[but now] it’s my turn to decide

He cares, though they disagree
They are not me
They're not king of anything
Though they dare tell me who to be

...because He died
He is my King of everything

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's not up to you
...it's not up to me

im not "king" of anything either
i cant save you
and pleasing you
...wont save me

i think i need to finally be okay
and not be so scared, or hopelessly hurt
over one person thinking im a bad friend
..because id be a bad friend
to abandon what i thought was right
to condone a behavior
that's been destructive to someone already, in the past
just because itd be easier to

i want to not care so much

about how to please others
and think more about
how to love
myself
to acknowledge the love
God has for me too

because my friends
should matter enough for me
to want to take care of myself too

"love thy neighbor as thyself"
didn't mean..spoil them because you can
..it meant, to love them as you want to be loved

and sometimes loving someone doesn't mean
giving them exactly what they want all the time
it means..to care more about them, than your own reputation
or what's easier and minimal effort for you

it means to love them
the way you want to be loved
and i want to be loved
enough
to be trusted
and given room
to grow

its what our hearts ask
all the time
and need the opportunity to
from others

"im asking you to believe in me."

..and believe it or not.
that's what im doing
by doing what im doing now too.

i want to believe
he can do better than this
i want to believe
He can do better
than me.

i want to believe
that the love
that saved me

can save him too.

my bed covers wont save me from closet monsters that exist in real life.

i dont think i like the whole...

calm before the storm thing.

don't get me wrong--
the storm sucks too.

but id rather...
get. through. the battle
no matter how messy
its gonna be

and truly
sincerely,
be..at peace

...than spend a single hollow day
pretending to be.

"carpe diem"

...what does that look like?

i want to know.

someone tell me..?

sand between my toes

there is sand
between my toes
from the sandbox
at babysitting this morning

a mostly empty
chocolate soymilk carton
on my desk
that isn't really mine
(volunteer desk)

and an excel file open
of a daily schedule
that has done nothing
but give me a tangible
representation

of the empty
weeks
ahead.

...makes me wonder how
or why it's felt so busy so far though

until now, i still feel like
im trying to catch up
with all of these things
running past me
in life

in fact,
i have two purses today
and one of them
has my journal, tiny bible, and lime green pen
space for my laptop
and a still untouched gre book
reminding me
with its mere presence
just how. much. fail.

ive been fitting
in my not really busy
but somehow filled
daily
schedule

"What happens when God answers prayer?"

I'm not so sure,
but that's what this book is asking
Oh--uh
and it's not my book either
I found it on this not-mine desk

It's the volunteer desk at my CL shift
I wonder whose it is
I wonder where they're from
and what they're doing
and who they are

God answered a prayer almost instantly this weekend

"We give this day to you, Lord."
...And He took it.

And held it
in its struggling
tear-stained,
tantrum-throwing
5-yr-old,
feet-stamping-
didn't-get-my-way
so-im-gonna-sulk-and-mope-about-it
even-though-i-supposedly-know-better
...form

in His arms

"When God answers a prayer, that doesn't mean case closed. It isn't a curtain being closed on a topic, but a curtain being opened to the rest of your life."

...but i still can't...quite see
what's on the other side.
=/

on dressing for my volunteer shift

why take the initiative
in vaguely professional attire?
the world view seems obvious enough--
but beyond it...?

random revelation:

if you look like you care
then people...can tell if you do

...if you dont look like you care
then people
assume you don't.

you can try to prove them otherwise
but then you also have to stop and think
if you look so convincingly like you dont
..they why is that?

i want to care
i want to want to be here
i want to come here knowing that it is a blessing
that the opportunity to be here at all is a blessing

i want to care
sincerely
not just for the sake of convincing someone else

and i want to care
so much
that it can show in
everything i do
and the way i live my life
and the way i carry myself
around the people here too..

"Preach the Gospel at all times, and if necessary use words."-Gordon Tsai

i want to care
not just in words, or best intentions
or hoping they can assume, im some sort of good person
but by action
and life
and breathing the life
i chose
when i accepted Christ into my life
to live

i dont want to live on a surface level assumption
of what a good person looks like
i dont want to think people will assume
or assume myself
that i am a good person
just by being here

cuz honestly...they can't
and i need to stop thinking
im in any way
entitled for them to

i want to do good
not just by
doing the things
that "good people" do

but by caring enough to recognize
that im not good
just by doing these things

but by how much i care
by my recognition of

how much God cares

about the people im doing them for

it's God
who is good

i cant just..
show up here looking like a bum
as if they arent worth my time
to try to be presentable for


i cant show up here
without sincerely desiring
that they would be part of my life
recognized individually, by name, face, and spirit
and not just by labels on a resident chart

it isn't about me
...it never should have been

i guess in sum
i want all that i do..
(especially in a setting
where i signed up to serve)
even the mundane things
like dressing, or speaking
the way i say hello
or sincerity with which i ask someone
"how is your day?"

to be glorifying
to Him

and at some point,
professional attire isn't gonna be
just a standard to meet

and personal appearance, or care
isnt about just tending to my own self esteem
or glorifying myself in any way

but that even those things
actually can be...
and to some extent
have to be
given to God, as well

as provided by Stella's status:

"If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God.
If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides,
so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ.
To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever.
Amen."
-1 Peter 4:11

thnx stell =]

/end ramble on one of the first of many adulthood revelations of things
God is demanding of my grown up perspectives
to keep focused on Him

ordinary day

Just a day,
Just an ordinary day.
Just trying to get by.

Just a boy,
Just an ordinary boy.

But he was looking to the sky.

And as he asked if I would come along
I started to realize...

That Your warmth is,

Crashing down on in.

"Take time to realize,
That I am on your side.

Didn't I, Didn't I tell you?"

That everyday you'll find
Just what you're looking for,
Like a shooting star He shines

If you just realize what I just realized...

"But I can't spell it out for you--"
"No it's never gonna be that simple..."
"No I cant spell it out for you."

If you just realize what I just realized...

We got our feet on the wire
Talking 'bout flying
Maybe we're diving in over our heads

"Could we be perfect for each other?
Will we never find another?"

Scared of what I'm feeling
Staring at the ceiling

"Would we never have to wonder
if we missed out on each other now?"

Here tonight

His vision borrows mine.
And I know He's no stranger,
For I feel He's held him & me for all of time.

And He said take my hand...

Come on and lay down these arms
All our best defenses
We're taking our chances here on the run

..live while you can..

The fear is an anchor
Time is a stranger

Love isn't borrowed
We aren't promised tomorrow

"This all could pass you by..."

We'll never be ready if we keep waiting
For the perfect time to come
Hold me steady,
we'll never be ready
When we don't know,
though we can't see
Just walk on down this road with me
Hold me steady,
we'll never be ready

Just a dream, just an ordinary dream.
As I wake in bed
And the boy, that ordinary boy

Or was it all in my head?


Did He ask if I would come along?
It all seemed so real...
But as I looked to the door,
I saw that boy standing there with a deal.

And He said take my hand...

You're okay here with me
Here in the silence
With all of the violence
crashing around
Saying we can't go
Saying we don't know

This road that is narrow is the one we should follow

Please come with me,
See what I see.

"It's not always the same."
"no it's never the same..."
"...if you don't feel it too."
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

Touch the stars for time will not flee.
Time will not flee.
Can you see?

Steady my hands
this one could turn around
Steady my heart,
it's beating faster

Steady my hands this one could turn around
Steady my heart, it's beating faster
Beating faster now

He said take my hand,
Live while you can
Don't you see your dreams
lay right in the palm of Your hand

And as he spoke, he spoke ordinary words
Although they did not feel

"...i'm here."

For I felt what I had not felt before
And you'd swear those words could heal.

"...and i'll be here for as long as you need."

Just a day, just an ordinary day

Just a boy,
Just an ordinary boy.
But we are looking
to the sky.

"..cause we'll wake up older."

i still have so. much. growing to do.