week 2

on the second sunday.

12--halfway through,
but not even halfway through. the day.

i am.
burnt. out.
already

we all want to be good.
but we're all kind of bad. at it.

ruby, a lady from church, spoke at catalyst today
i asked her for advice on what book to read in the bible
if i was trying to find advice or guidance in 'transition'

and she told me....
(in sum)

the biggest transition we have to make
is the transition from being confident in ourselves
and the material and earthly success
to being confident
in our God
who saves

she said that in luke...
was it luke? i dunno. but something about
how peter and his friends werent able to catch fish
and very easily, Jesus provided for them
and said: cast your nets over this side
and instantly, their nets were overflowing
with tons and tons of fish

and instead of celebrating
he looks at it all, and in shame, cries out
"get away from me, Lord..!"

in conference the speaker interpreted that as Peter
feeling shame in his own inadequacy as a person
and realization that God knew/
was aware of all his failures

but when ruby explained it to me
she said Peter had looked at the abundance of fish
and realized that, YES, my God can
provide anything. everything.
He is more than able to provide
everything we've ever dreamed of
...but he looks at it in all its finally reachable abundance
and goes...
"i dont want it anymore"
because he'd rather have Him

both stories portray a very humbling experience
whether we're put face to face
with shameful extent of our own brokenness
or surrounded with all the riches in the world

God is the only thing that can fully satisfy.
the need, the hunger, we're always wandering around
working hard to and determined to fulfill

note to self:
i need a rest day.
and on that note.
to find out--what it is
that rest really looks like for me

and to finally find
not just a restless distraction
or a creative means of running away
but an actual way to f eel renewed
and rest in His presence

but giving up would cost me everything

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

And I, I believe
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

i want my heart
to sing these words
i want my life
to live as Yours

---
found this in my drafts box from some time ago..
i found the song randomly on a friend's profile
little did i know that weeks later,
it would be exactly what i needed to hear

God works in crazy ways sometimes
but just as powerfully in these sincere little
leave-a-post-it-note-encouragement-on-your-desk ways too =]

tell me the world is an okay place

...cuz i'm honestly having some trouble believing it.

this merely scratches the surface,
doesn't it?

the surface of the magnitude of brokenness
animosity, pain, and insecurity there is in this world
i want to believe that this world is an okay place
but when i read things like this
on days like this

i can't help but just be
very tired
that good intentions
and good people
are only as good
as our bad
can be

but if anything it makes me want to hope
for a good out there,
that actually is
as good as good
is supposed to
and as we've never
dared dream
it to be

“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

" They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one."

These are both Romans 8:36.


to be honest i'm still not quite sure what they mean or are referring to.
some sources i found said something along the lines of...

"... in Romans 8:36 Paul appeals to Septuagint Old Testament to underscore the truth that suffering is not an unexpected novelty for God’s people. God's children have always been called to suffer for His sake, but in Christ such sufferings become stepping stones on the pathway to glory (Romans 5:1-5, 8:17-23). And so believers should not be surprised when they have to endure suffering for the sake of Christ for the cost of genuine faithfulness has always been high, as witnessed by the many who have been martyred for holding fast to Christ and the Word of Truth."

One of the versions calls this section "More Than Conquerors" while another calls it "God's Everlasting Love." It also references Psalm 44:22...


A commentary on Psalm 44 goes...


"44:17-26 In afflictions, we must not seek relief by any sinful compliance; but should continually meditate on the truth, purity, and knowledge of our heart-searching God. Hearts sins and secret sins are known to God, and must be reckoned for. He knows the secret of the heart, therefore judges of the words and actions. While our troubles do not drive us from our duty to God, we should not suffer them to drive us from our comfort in God. Let us take care that prosperity and ease do not render us careless and lukewarm. The church of God cannot be prevailed on by persecution to forget God; the believer's heart does not turn back from God. The Spirit of prophecy had reference to those who suffered unto death, for the testimony of Christ. Observe the pleas used, ver. 25,26. Not their own merit and righteousness, but the poor sinner's pleas. None that belong to Christ shall be cast off, but every one of them shall be saved, and that for ever. The mercy of God, purchased, promised, and constantly flowing forth, and offered to believers, does away every doubt arising from our sins; while we pray in faith, Redeem us for thy mercies' sake."

the bolded text pretty much summarizes
what took me a while to explain to ray just yesterday...

he was asking me WHY for sure do i want to keep working at the rehab place,
when i haven't been able to sleep at night because of it.
when i'm so obviously traumatized by it,
that even my friends who aren't believers
are worried for my safety and sake

i knew the reasons why NOT stay
i also knew the reasons that weren't enough for me to stay

its not worth the money--there's barely any. it's once a week.
not to mention there are other prospects
and there will continue to be
i know it

it's not for the experience to put on my resume--
although it'd in theory be nice,
i can just increase my involvement with SADVC
and as is, i already have a lot of involvement with that

i highly doubt its for the good person street cred points
although, of course thats tempting too.
but i dunno if any amount of girl-scout-ing
is worth the loss of sleep
not to mention the people id be hurting
through the process of them worrying
about me and my well-being
probably counts as negative good person street cred points


its not worth the people pleasing
cuz honestly, plenty of people would be pleased if i didn't do it

i walked into my work today--late again

maybe that needs to change.

anyway.

i told chai (shelter staff) where i just started working--
and she. flipped. out.
not in a horrendously angry at me or anything sorta way
but in a--OMGSH RUN WHILE YOU CAN sort of way

she used to work there, she worked there for 9 months
and she seriously needed to go to counseling after it finished.
not even like--the expression "need to go to counseling"
but seriously--she had to.
she signed up for and went to counseling for a good number of months after

just processing all the things she experienced while she was there
all the animosity, the negativity, the things she endured
feelings of anxiety and doubting herself
feelings of anger towards the clients
and the staff both

i guess after my first night's good sleep last night
(credit to my super amazing friends who sent me prayer texts
and my just as super amazing boyfriend
who stayed with me till my roommate got home)

i kinda just thought...

oh.
maybe
it's over?

im pretty sure im partially wrong.
i mean the comfort is there--and i think
no, i know. the security is coming back
but that doesn't mean i should let my guard down
and think that things like this arent gonna come up

i dont want to give up without trying
i really don't
i don't believe that my efforts are worthless
i really don't
i don't believe that people WANT to be bad
i really don't

maybe that's naive of me, maybe it's idealistic.
but maybe this is just who God made me to be...?
and that that in itself should make everything okay.

that God made me.
that whoever I am, God is still the one who made me.
i don't think i'm as naive as people think,
but i know i'm not as wise as i'd like to be
or believe myself to be, or as others believe either
im definitely not as idealistic as people think
but im also probably more idealistic than i realize

i spent the morning being so thankful
for the contrast of a home and comfortable environment
between this women's shelter and the rehab center
this has games and families and lil lil kids
and women who were victims,
even if they'd had a few rough patches of their own

but if i think about it--who isn't?
how are those people in rehab
NOT also a victim of some sort of sin
or brokenness in this world
that tangled and injured them
beyond recognition

beyond recognition,
even for themselves sometimes

don't these things usually start with addiction...?

doesn't addiction start with an un-met need?
when we try to fill these needs--these perfectly
God given needs, like for attention or love or fulfillment
with inappropriate things, instant gratification,
validity or purpose--....with something else?


i mentioned being so grateful for this familial environment
being happy to be making a difference here, a positive impact here instead
its a sexual assault and domestic violence center
of course there's broken people here too
but i just didnt realize how easily we decide whose victim--
and therefore deserves help
and whose the culprit
and somehow needs it any less

"monica doesn't even do anything around here.
i know she dont like calling nobody lazy,
but i tell em all the time im better than plenty of people here.
im better than plenty of the STAFFhere.
monica just sits there-she's the lazy one.
she don't ever do nothin' around here."

i couldn't help but wince.
hopefully just on the inside

that last quote was a comment made to me
by one of the residents here, complaining about a woman
who happens to be one of the head staff people
who im sure have sacrificed plenty of hours and energy
of her own time, thinking she could help
some of the people she'd encounter here.

then she later came back to tell me
that we were free to search her stuff
cuz she worked hard for everything she had, (she's leaving today)
and she "was no thief" and she'd never "steal nothin'"
so feel free to search her stuff,
but we wouldn't find anything

...erm.
i dont know that we've EVER searched anyone before
upon exiting the shelter...i mean, that's kind of rude

i'd think so at least.
course--as an after thought
an hour later.
i just remembered she still hasn't returned
the hair dryer and straightening iron she borrowed
just this morning, and said she'd return right away ._.

sometimes i wonder what happens more
accusations, or fear of them.
and i wonder what unsafe
broken place
they both come from.

i know nobody is perfect.

i don't expect to bring change
i don't expect to be important, or significant
in any particular way, to anyone else's life

but even if just to be
within closer proximity
to pray for these people
who haven't been
prayed for
in so

long

or to join in the effort
with their loved ones
who pray for them every day

...then maybe it's worth it.

maybe it'll be scary.
it'll most definitely be, sometimes.
maybe it'll be hard.
maybe they'll say things that hurt
maybe they'll try to tear me down--
...but am i really worth that much of their time?


they have their own wounds to heal from--
whether they realize it or not.
their attention shouldn't even be
on someone like me

when it comes down to it
God thinks i'm worth His time
that's enough for me.

i know my thoughts are scattered
i know i don't make very much sense

and i know it'll take a while, a long while
until they do...

but i want to believe
He's patient
and i should try to be too

edit:
so turns out the lady just forgot the hairdryer/straightening iron in the bathroom
she got it really fast after i asked her about it and said sorry she'd forgotten
...i want to believe the world is an okay place
but i think im just as much part of the things that make it so afraid to be
im just as much a part of those things in the world
that are still in the process of wishing and growing
until they can be

a wreck

i've been working non-stop since i woke up this morning at 10:30.
the kitchen was cold, and the apt was empty other than pri pri sleeping upstairs.
everything was really quiet. it still is.

i fell asleep last night to my dad's seemingly never-ending phone conversation.
i hate when i can tell that i sound even just a little bit annoyed or impatient.
luckily, i sounded more sleepy and sick than anything else for him to hear the other stuff.
i kept sneezing last night again, and i was dying tired by 11.

i bought groceries with pri and her friends at walmart,
and it didn't help my missing my parents that all walmarts are structured the same
so it was a little bit like walking into walmart right next to my house in az

my mom's called 3 time by now in one day.
she called twice yesterday, and my dad i think once.
my sister called once too.

as much as i hate the sound of my own impatience--part of me couldn't explain it
then when i could register the reason for it, i knew most of me couldn't help it

i have 3 papers to finish tonight. papers ive been working on for three months.
an application i've done nothing but stress and worry and work on for three months--more.
since there's also all the pre-worrying before that.
before they made the apps available at oct 1.
all the time before that when i didnt know when the apps would be available at all.
all the time before that when i kept trying and failing to study for gre's.
all the time before that when i thought being busy
would keep me from missing my family
or validate me in some sort of reason
for leaving them to begin with.

"i want to trust where God has and will put me."

that's so hard.
it's really hard.
especially right now.

my fingers are cold.
the apartment is cold, and quiet.
...speaking of the apartment.
effing eff.

i have a cut on my finger from food processor blades
that someone just left laying next to the dish rack on the sink.
i was just making myself a sandwich,
when my finger hit the blade that was sticking up from the rack
i dont even know how long its been there
but im pretty sure it didn't need to be
it was a drying rack
everyone on that rack is dry
no one has emptied it into the cupboards

gabe came over yesterday
and there wasnt a clean spoon in sight
for me to stir his hot chocolate with.

i ate my dinner with a plastic fork--leftovers from lunch w/ my aunt.

i was glad it came in a disposable to-go box
because again there's no room to wash dishes in the sink.


ray says my sneezing might be from mold or something in the apt.
im not quite sure what im supposed to do about that though.

im not quite sure what to do about a lot of things.

small things--like the dishes.
i would really like to not come home
to piles and piles
of moldy dishes

id also like to not cut myself
on the stuff people didn't properly put away

id also like to have a warm meal for lunch
....and share it with my parents.

can i be honest with you?

i don't know what would make me feel better.
i don't know how to answer your calls
and pretend im okay

i dont know what to tell my parents
when they ask me things like
how are you
or have you eaten
or hows your day

cuz my day is effing terrible
not really cuz it could be worse...

but just..
just moodwise..

i miss you.

i miss them.

i cant help but be impatient when i talk to them
cuz they keep hoping and praying that im okay
and every time they call i try my best to be
because knowing im sad will just make them even more sad
knowing im crying will just make them wanna cry
knowing im falling apart will just throw them into a panic
a panic of helplessness and worry
cuz what could they do now?

what could i do now?

i dont know how to feel better.
im so tired.

i cried all the way to the airport in the car.
that held me over for a lil bit
but today all i wanna do is cry some more


im a mess

i dont know how to deal with these things


kevin just dropped off a present to kristin
it was a red gift bag with a messily wrapped box inside of it
with a sloppily tied ribbon
tied with all the desperate effort of clumsy hands that dont tie ribbons
and dont wrap tiny lil boxes
but did so because they were doing it for a friend

that word almost hurt

it hurt again when i opened the box
and inside was a plain silver bracelet
engraved with the word "friends"

Lord,
i feel so far away from people right now.

i'm consistently blown away by God's grace
by people's support, by their love
by their sincerity
by the reality of their love
and the fact that God loves me

but here i am still weak

and i want to hear You say
that it's okay..

broken

Lord God,

i'm being put face to face
with just how much i've put my hope
in myself
and wanted that hope
to remain in myself

and thought id be without hope
unless it was

of course i feel helpless
of course i feel scared
of course im insecure

there's nothing secure about me
to begin with
the only true security
i've ever found
or will ever experience
is in God

i cant help myself
because im human
im the one that needs saving
i wasn't meant to do it
all by myself

my abilities are limited, and weak
i will fall short
again
and again
and again

and i feel scared
because
i SHOULD be scared
if i let myself believe
for even one second--
and should be scared
for all the seconds
i already have--
that i will be the one to take my own fears away

there is nothing but fear in my own human heart
there will be nothing but fear
if i've left no room for understanding
that His perfect love succeeds
in the midst even of my failure
even amidst my greed

my selfishness
insecurity
brokenness
and pain

His perfect love
is not affected
by what my human hands
could possibly break
and what Satan's manipulative words
could try to convince

His perfect love
is more powerful
and will succeed
against it all

as long as i
let it in

...and even the times when i dont

its still in the process
of succeeding

God is winning
He's won back our lives
He's back our lives
as we speak

He's already won

our lives need to be
a celebration of it.

irritable

sometimes i get these bad moods

then again im sure everyone does
like, when you're just not cheery at all in any way
you're not very accommodating
you're feeling pretty impatient
i guess the short word for it would be irritable


and when these things happen
i think of the people
i hurt

just because i care too much about myself not to

no tragic reason or inner drama
supposedly profound insightful self-aware observations aside
i think sometimes, just like everybody else
i can just be
mean

and unreasonable

short to anger? quick to anger
there we go...something like that

it's...not okay
i guess if someone else told me about this
id tell them, its fine. that it IS okay
cuz it happens to everyone
and people cant just be happy all the time
people arent always in good,
social, caring, or thoughtful moods

sometimes people can be apathetic
sometimes people can be irritable

is this side of me allowed
over there?


i think of epic conference
and i think of an overflowing spew of energy
positive energy, hope, questions, faith
sincere joy--shouting up to the heavens
proclaiming His glory
loving His name
loving others
rolling about in a fluff of hearts, smileys, and exclamation points


do i have the energy for that now?


i feel so broken.
i feel so downcast.
i feel like i've lost myself, somewhere along the way.

i feel like i've been isolating myself cuz i've been afraid
ive been too afraid that people will notice
that the people who saw me,
shining the way i did before
curled up in my brokenness
weak, scared, anxious
...irritable.

it's like i dont recognize me
or more like--sometimes, i have to will up energy
to pretend to be me
at least the me they recognize and accept
the me they loved and was loved by
not the me who is whiney, immature, weak, and ugly

its my own fault

im crumbling and i dont want anyone to see

the theme is 'illuminate'
and bring things into the light
where He is waiting for us

but honestly?
the idea of light right now
frightens me
more than it excites me

im more scared than hopeful

i dont want to be seen

not like this
not right now

i dont want to break down in front of them
i dont want to be known as the broken one
i dont want to be known as the unfortunate one
the struggling one, the weak one, the whiney one

the one angsting and processing in the corner
while everyone else is celebrating the day the Lord has made
and is basking in the light of His love
laughing together
confidently

i feel like im not allowed there

i feel like i can't be.
i shouldn't be
i dont want to be

i dont want this to be me
and rather than embracing this me,
or letting it go into the light
im rejecting this me
more disgustedly than anyone else
because the harsher i am
the less harsh their rejection will feel
in comparison


i wish i could trust You more God

i know You're trying to comfort me--
maybe lil signs urging me to trust in You
that You'll find a place for me even where I couldn't
that it's a new day
and its okay to hope
and be a part of it

Lord please..
Save me from this ugly self

I don't want to be irritable
anymore.

psalm 3

LORD, how many are my foes!
How many rise up against me!
Many are saying of me,
“God will not deliver him.”

But you, LORD, are a shield around me,
my glory, the One who lifts my head high.

I call out to the LORD,
and He answers me
from His holy mountain.

I lie down and sleep;

I wake again,
because the LORD sustains me.

I will not fear though tens of thousands
assail me on every side.

Arise, LORD!
Deliver me, my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.

From the LORD comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people.