irritable

sometimes i get these bad moods

then again im sure everyone does
like, when you're just not cheery at all in any way
you're not very accommodating
you're feeling pretty impatient
i guess the short word for it would be irritable


and when these things happen
i think of the people
i hurt

just because i care too much about myself not to

no tragic reason or inner drama
supposedly profound insightful self-aware observations aside
i think sometimes, just like everybody else
i can just be
mean

and unreasonable

short to anger? quick to anger
there we go...something like that

it's...not okay
i guess if someone else told me about this
id tell them, its fine. that it IS okay
cuz it happens to everyone
and people cant just be happy all the time
people arent always in good,
social, caring, or thoughtful moods

sometimes people can be apathetic
sometimes people can be irritable

is this side of me allowed
over there?


i think of epic conference
and i think of an overflowing spew of energy
positive energy, hope, questions, faith
sincere joy--shouting up to the heavens
proclaiming His glory
loving His name
loving others
rolling about in a fluff of hearts, smileys, and exclamation points


do i have the energy for that now?


i feel so broken.
i feel so downcast.
i feel like i've lost myself, somewhere along the way.

i feel like i've been isolating myself cuz i've been afraid
ive been too afraid that people will notice
that the people who saw me,
shining the way i did before
curled up in my brokenness
weak, scared, anxious
...irritable.

it's like i dont recognize me
or more like--sometimes, i have to will up energy
to pretend to be me
at least the me they recognize and accept
the me they loved and was loved by
not the me who is whiney, immature, weak, and ugly

its my own fault

im crumbling and i dont want anyone to see

the theme is 'illuminate'
and bring things into the light
where He is waiting for us

but honestly?
the idea of light right now
frightens me
more than it excites me

im more scared than hopeful

i dont want to be seen

not like this
not right now

i dont want to break down in front of them
i dont want to be known as the broken one
i dont want to be known as the unfortunate one
the struggling one, the weak one, the whiney one

the one angsting and processing in the corner
while everyone else is celebrating the day the Lord has made
and is basking in the light of His love
laughing together
confidently

i feel like im not allowed there

i feel like i can't be.
i shouldn't be
i dont want to be

i dont want this to be me
and rather than embracing this me,
or letting it go into the light
im rejecting this me
more disgustedly than anyone else
because the harsher i am
the less harsh their rejection will feel
in comparison


i wish i could trust You more God

i know You're trying to comfort me--
maybe lil signs urging me to trust in You
that You'll find a place for me even where I couldn't
that it's a new day
and its okay to hope
and be a part of it

Lord please..
Save me from this ugly self

I don't want to be irritable
anymore.