when the world says you can't

...it'll tell you that you can.

"my dear hannah,

don't forget

to smile genuinely

always

...and if you must cry

do so with all of your heart."

i was just walking out of the rehab center at the end of my shift. this thought came to mind as i took a second glance back at the room of clients sitting in the dining room during their group. i smiled, waving goodbye at them as their image blurred behind the lined glass of the closing door. and i knew that i meant it. and i hoped--sincerely, that they knew that i did. and part of me came to grip once again, at what a taken for granted privilege it was that i have..to have the opportunity to do so.

they smiled back, waving goodbye.

its like waving to a friend--or smiling in recognition when someone you know enters the room and you make eye contact. it's like the immeasurably valuable privilege and honor, of being the one to have interpreted the truth "you are known" to another person. the acknowledgement that your presence is real, and that it matters.

and part of me kind of just figures--knows almost for a fact--that people like them who have grown up in the surroundings of needing to read others as best as they can to survive...are just the kind of people who would know or sense, if my smiles were in any way insincere at all. my solution is this: i resolve to mean it..every smile i give. i resolve to mean it--to smile sincerely..always. and remember that there is something about each of them, that will always deserve smiling towards. according to grace.

as for crying--i do it often and not often at all. i'm a pansy at heart--though most times, it's that heart that i try to cover up the most. like if something hurts--ill remind myself that it shouldn't. i should be 'stronger' or 'smarter' than that. if something is heartbreaking, ill keep it as far away as possible. and the rest of me will be as dettached as possible.

and in turn im the one

suffocating myself

and getting so caught up in what i should or shouldnt feel

that a lot of times i dont know

what it is that i really feel

at all

i want to cry

with all of my heart.

i didn't realize that this phrase and the one before it would end up being the answer to the depressing events that followed. when i felt myself losing hope at an overwhelmingly broken world, and a heart-wrenchingly broken people--who would have thought that God's response to me would simply be to ask me to smile, and to mean it when i do. and cry--in a way that takes to heart the truth that it is safe to.

i dont think we're asked to 'turn the other cheek,' because pain is any more bearable or any less sharp as a Christian. i think we're asked to look our fears in the eye, and stand up to them..and let them know we have no reason to be afraid. not even of pain, or hurt--those things are inevitable. its a healthy fear, sure. but it shouldn't be the fear that keeps us from loving. and it should most definitely not be the fear that keeps us from hoping.

it's really scary--

it's really depressing

when i think about what these people are going through

the ones who i've gotten to know

the ones who i've laughed with

smiled at

and can pick out from a crowd

and know by name

and then i realized that these fears

this brokenness--reached beyond just the walls of the rehab center

families and friends,

my own family

my own friends

people are just really good at hurting each other.

it's sad but it's true.

..which makes it even more important for me to remember

that the following words--are real and they're

just as true too

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,

that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.-John 3:16

Life is so much more

Than what your eyes are seeing

You will find your way

If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end

Even when the sky is falling

I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds

You don't have a chance

(That’s what faith can do)

When the world says you can’t

It’ll tell you that you can!

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world,

but to save the world through Him.

-John 3:17