tell me the world is an okay place

...cuz i'm honestly having some trouble believing it.

this merely scratches the surface,
doesn't it?

the surface of the magnitude of brokenness
animosity, pain, and insecurity there is in this world
i want to believe that this world is an okay place
but when i read things like this
on days like this

i can't help but just be
very tired
that good intentions
and good people
are only as good
as our bad
can be

but if anything it makes me want to hope
for a good out there,
that actually is
as good as good
is supposed to
and as we've never
dared dream
it to be

“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

" They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one."

These are both Romans 8:36.


to be honest i'm still not quite sure what they mean or are referring to.
some sources i found said something along the lines of...

"... in Romans 8:36 Paul appeals to Septuagint Old Testament to underscore the truth that suffering is not an unexpected novelty for God’s people. God's children have always been called to suffer for His sake, but in Christ such sufferings become stepping stones on the pathway to glory (Romans 5:1-5, 8:17-23). And so believers should not be surprised when they have to endure suffering for the sake of Christ for the cost of genuine faithfulness has always been high, as witnessed by the many who have been martyred for holding fast to Christ and the Word of Truth."

One of the versions calls this section "More Than Conquerors" while another calls it "God's Everlasting Love." It also references Psalm 44:22...


A commentary on Psalm 44 goes...


"44:17-26 In afflictions, we must not seek relief by any sinful compliance; but should continually meditate on the truth, purity, and knowledge of our heart-searching God. Hearts sins and secret sins are known to God, and must be reckoned for. He knows the secret of the heart, therefore judges of the words and actions. While our troubles do not drive us from our duty to God, we should not suffer them to drive us from our comfort in God. Let us take care that prosperity and ease do not render us careless and lukewarm. The church of God cannot be prevailed on by persecution to forget God; the believer's heart does not turn back from God. The Spirit of prophecy had reference to those who suffered unto death, for the testimony of Christ. Observe the pleas used, ver. 25,26. Not their own merit and righteousness, but the poor sinner's pleas. None that belong to Christ shall be cast off, but every one of them shall be saved, and that for ever. The mercy of God, purchased, promised, and constantly flowing forth, and offered to believers, does away every doubt arising from our sins; while we pray in faith, Redeem us for thy mercies' sake."

the bolded text pretty much summarizes
what took me a while to explain to ray just yesterday...

he was asking me WHY for sure do i want to keep working at the rehab place,
when i haven't been able to sleep at night because of it.
when i'm so obviously traumatized by it,
that even my friends who aren't believers
are worried for my safety and sake

i knew the reasons why NOT stay
i also knew the reasons that weren't enough for me to stay

its not worth the money--there's barely any. it's once a week.
not to mention there are other prospects
and there will continue to be
i know it

it's not for the experience to put on my resume--
although it'd in theory be nice,
i can just increase my involvement with SADVC
and as is, i already have a lot of involvement with that

i highly doubt its for the good person street cred points
although, of course thats tempting too.
but i dunno if any amount of girl-scout-ing
is worth the loss of sleep
not to mention the people id be hurting
through the process of them worrying
about me and my well-being
probably counts as negative good person street cred points


its not worth the people pleasing
cuz honestly, plenty of people would be pleased if i didn't do it

i walked into my work today--late again

maybe that needs to change.

anyway.

i told chai (shelter staff) where i just started working--
and she. flipped. out.
not in a horrendously angry at me or anything sorta way
but in a--OMGSH RUN WHILE YOU CAN sort of way

she used to work there, she worked there for 9 months
and she seriously needed to go to counseling after it finished.
not even like--the expression "need to go to counseling"
but seriously--she had to.
she signed up for and went to counseling for a good number of months after

just processing all the things she experienced while she was there
all the animosity, the negativity, the things she endured
feelings of anxiety and doubting herself
feelings of anger towards the clients
and the staff both

i guess after my first night's good sleep last night
(credit to my super amazing friends who sent me prayer texts
and my just as super amazing boyfriend
who stayed with me till my roommate got home)

i kinda just thought...

oh.
maybe
it's over?

im pretty sure im partially wrong.
i mean the comfort is there--and i think
no, i know. the security is coming back
but that doesn't mean i should let my guard down
and think that things like this arent gonna come up

i dont want to give up without trying
i really don't
i don't believe that my efforts are worthless
i really don't
i don't believe that people WANT to be bad
i really don't

maybe that's naive of me, maybe it's idealistic.
but maybe this is just who God made me to be...?
and that that in itself should make everything okay.

that God made me.
that whoever I am, God is still the one who made me.
i don't think i'm as naive as people think,
but i know i'm not as wise as i'd like to be
or believe myself to be, or as others believe either
im definitely not as idealistic as people think
but im also probably more idealistic than i realize

i spent the morning being so thankful
for the contrast of a home and comfortable environment
between this women's shelter and the rehab center
this has games and families and lil lil kids
and women who were victims,
even if they'd had a few rough patches of their own

but if i think about it--who isn't?
how are those people in rehab
NOT also a victim of some sort of sin
or brokenness in this world
that tangled and injured them
beyond recognition

beyond recognition,
even for themselves sometimes

don't these things usually start with addiction...?

doesn't addiction start with an un-met need?
when we try to fill these needs--these perfectly
God given needs, like for attention or love or fulfillment
with inappropriate things, instant gratification,
validity or purpose--....with something else?


i mentioned being so grateful for this familial environment
being happy to be making a difference here, a positive impact here instead
its a sexual assault and domestic violence center
of course there's broken people here too
but i just didnt realize how easily we decide whose victim--
and therefore deserves help
and whose the culprit
and somehow needs it any less

"monica doesn't even do anything around here.
i know she dont like calling nobody lazy,
but i tell em all the time im better than plenty of people here.
im better than plenty of the STAFFhere.
monica just sits there-she's the lazy one.
she don't ever do nothin' around here."

i couldn't help but wince.
hopefully just on the inside

that last quote was a comment made to me
by one of the residents here, complaining about a woman
who happens to be one of the head staff people
who im sure have sacrificed plenty of hours and energy
of her own time, thinking she could help
some of the people she'd encounter here.

then she later came back to tell me
that we were free to search her stuff
cuz she worked hard for everything she had, (she's leaving today)
and she "was no thief" and she'd never "steal nothin'"
so feel free to search her stuff,
but we wouldn't find anything

...erm.
i dont know that we've EVER searched anyone before
upon exiting the shelter...i mean, that's kind of rude

i'd think so at least.
course--as an after thought
an hour later.
i just remembered she still hasn't returned
the hair dryer and straightening iron she borrowed
just this morning, and said she'd return right away ._.

sometimes i wonder what happens more
accusations, or fear of them.
and i wonder what unsafe
broken place
they both come from.

i know nobody is perfect.

i don't expect to bring change
i don't expect to be important, or significant
in any particular way, to anyone else's life

but even if just to be
within closer proximity
to pray for these people
who haven't been
prayed for
in so

long

or to join in the effort
with their loved ones
who pray for them every day

...then maybe it's worth it.

maybe it'll be scary.
it'll most definitely be, sometimes.
maybe it'll be hard.
maybe they'll say things that hurt
maybe they'll try to tear me down--
...but am i really worth that much of their time?


they have their own wounds to heal from--
whether they realize it or not.
their attention shouldn't even be
on someone like me

when it comes down to it
God thinks i'm worth His time
that's enough for me.

i know my thoughts are scattered
i know i don't make very much sense

and i know it'll take a while, a long while
until they do...

but i want to believe
He's patient
and i should try to be too

edit:
so turns out the lady just forgot the hairdryer/straightening iron in the bathroom
she got it really fast after i asked her about it and said sorry she'd forgotten
...i want to believe the world is an okay place
but i think im just as much part of the things that make it so afraid to be
im just as much a part of those things in the world
that are still in the process of wishing and growing
until they can be