a wreck

i've been working non-stop since i woke up this morning at 10:30.
the kitchen was cold, and the apt was empty other than pri pri sleeping upstairs.
everything was really quiet. it still is.

i fell asleep last night to my dad's seemingly never-ending phone conversation.
i hate when i can tell that i sound even just a little bit annoyed or impatient.
luckily, i sounded more sleepy and sick than anything else for him to hear the other stuff.
i kept sneezing last night again, and i was dying tired by 11.

i bought groceries with pri and her friends at walmart,
and it didn't help my missing my parents that all walmarts are structured the same
so it was a little bit like walking into walmart right next to my house in az

my mom's called 3 time by now in one day.
she called twice yesterday, and my dad i think once.
my sister called once too.

as much as i hate the sound of my own impatience--part of me couldn't explain it
then when i could register the reason for it, i knew most of me couldn't help it

i have 3 papers to finish tonight. papers ive been working on for three months.
an application i've done nothing but stress and worry and work on for three months--more.
since there's also all the pre-worrying before that.
before they made the apps available at oct 1.
all the time before that when i didnt know when the apps would be available at all.
all the time before that when i kept trying and failing to study for gre's.
all the time before that when i thought being busy
would keep me from missing my family
or validate me in some sort of reason
for leaving them to begin with.

"i want to trust where God has and will put me."

that's so hard.
it's really hard.
especially right now.

my fingers are cold.
the apartment is cold, and quiet.
...speaking of the apartment.
effing eff.

i have a cut on my finger from food processor blades
that someone just left laying next to the dish rack on the sink.
i was just making myself a sandwich,
when my finger hit the blade that was sticking up from the rack
i dont even know how long its been there
but im pretty sure it didn't need to be
it was a drying rack
everyone on that rack is dry
no one has emptied it into the cupboards

gabe came over yesterday
and there wasnt a clean spoon in sight
for me to stir his hot chocolate with.

i ate my dinner with a plastic fork--leftovers from lunch w/ my aunt.

i was glad it came in a disposable to-go box
because again there's no room to wash dishes in the sink.


ray says my sneezing might be from mold or something in the apt.
im not quite sure what im supposed to do about that though.

im not quite sure what to do about a lot of things.

small things--like the dishes.
i would really like to not come home
to piles and piles
of moldy dishes

id also like to not cut myself
on the stuff people didn't properly put away

id also like to have a warm meal for lunch
....and share it with my parents.

can i be honest with you?

i don't know what would make me feel better.
i don't know how to answer your calls
and pretend im okay

i dont know what to tell my parents
when they ask me things like
how are you
or have you eaten
or hows your day

cuz my day is effing terrible
not really cuz it could be worse...

but just..
just moodwise..

i miss you.

i miss them.

i cant help but be impatient when i talk to them
cuz they keep hoping and praying that im okay
and every time they call i try my best to be
because knowing im sad will just make them even more sad
knowing im crying will just make them wanna cry
knowing im falling apart will just throw them into a panic
a panic of helplessness and worry
cuz what could they do now?

what could i do now?

i dont know how to feel better.
im so tired.

i cried all the way to the airport in the car.
that held me over for a lil bit
but today all i wanna do is cry some more


im a mess

i dont know how to deal with these things


kevin just dropped off a present to kristin
it was a red gift bag with a messily wrapped box inside of it
with a sloppily tied ribbon
tied with all the desperate effort of clumsy hands that dont tie ribbons
and dont wrap tiny lil boxes
but did so because they were doing it for a friend

that word almost hurt

it hurt again when i opened the box
and inside was a plain silver bracelet
engraved with the word "friends"

Lord,
i feel so far away from people right now.

i'm consistently blown away by God's grace
by people's support, by their love
by their sincerity
by the reality of their love
and the fact that God loves me

but here i am still weak

and i want to hear You say
that it's okay..