i dont know who to call i mean ive called my parents, and i know im not so up for hanging out with a lot of people
im not sure who to talk to i really think i should just...pray
and pray and pray then pray some more?
that requires isolation tho..but actually not really
i guess ive juss been on my own most of the day and part of me really wants to see familiar faces
the other part isnt sure if itd be very good for me to
i dont know if i should be able to talk to some people at this state i dont want to say things or make unwise decisions from the sheer 'in the moment' feeling of 'oh im leaving tomorrow'
i think i need to respect the work that God has already done
im a people pleaser
i wanna hang out i wanna spend time i want people to realize that they're important and liked and ...important
and i want to be with them
but i feel really conflicted
its 10:23
is davis over?
is it all just India from here?
at least for two weeks..well no
itll be longer than two weeks and itll be longer than from the time i leave to get back
im still carrying some hawaii 'baggage' with me
i need to straighten out my thoughts.. i need to find a way to clear my mind
which is actually slightly nerve wracking (sp?) actually..pretty very nerve racking (sp?)
basically cuz as soon as that meeting hits it goes on till like 9:30 or ten which means it goes on till evening which happens to be and always has been the end of the day
basically its that feeling of knowing that... after that meeting
it's India India's all that's left to go from there
no more packing, preparing, to do list checking just India
all these questions come up am i ready yet? can i do this? is my heart right? where has my heart been all this time?
am i really worthy of this opportunity to serve? will i be able to...with the right heart?
i guess you can say its huge or little no matter how i try to look at it doesn't change the feeling at the bottom of my stomach that i get when i think about it
i'm not sure if its a heavy feeling and im sure a big part of it is fear
i'm excited too of course, but still just...scared what if, what if, what if lots of what if's after another
i want to learn i want to grow i want to serve others, Lord, for You
will i be able to set my heart right? how much will i stumble on myself or be hindered from growth?
i still feel too self centered and i wonder if i've made people an idol in my life somehow even though technically we're supposed to love God and people
but i dont want to love in a self-serving way
i want to give what i can but i don't know what i have to give
i'm not confident
and i've been distracted for far too long.
i want to hear Your voice, Lord i want it to be the first and only that leads me
i want to love on these children and stop listing to many "i want's" while i'm at it
i want (agh another one) to hear what You want
i want to serve, or help, or love or do something
but i know You don't need me and that no matter what Your will will be done
it's an honor to be a part of Your plan
but i don't know how not to be scared of being the part that fails
i've been trying to figure this stuff out on my own.
but i keep feeling like maybe i shouldn't.
what way of spending my time would honor God the most?
...edit:
so I was trying to put a lyric quote in here thinking it said "I'm not gonna let my heart defeat my mind." And rethought, thinking..I'm not sure how much I agree with that Then looked at the lyrics again and realized the song didn't agree with it either =x
No regrets Not this time I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Is that the answer I was waiting for a sign for? Or is it an answer I'm projecting just cuz it fits with what I want?
Let Your love Make me whole
Hmm Still unclear..but.. Maybe it's a heart thing intentions, and faith <3
i'm excited, i'm nervous, i'm praying, and hopeful
...and probably almost scared out of my mind.
=]
Unafraid
Lord let me see Your face again To feel Your embrace that pulls me in I want to let go of all my fears Leaving my sin and past behind me To move closer to Your holy calling Devoted to You this vow I keep
Ill speak of all Youve done for me Proclaim Your name above all names
Im unafraid to lift my hands and sing Im unafraid to shout aloud Your name
Take me Lord I want You more than anything I pray I wont hold back I wont turn back and boldly I will say I am unafraid
Lord I believe
You bled and died An atonement of sin for all mankind Unafraid to be my sacrifice
Im unafraid to boldly say You are my God You are the way
Im unafraid to live a life that speaks Your praise
6/25
let that be my prayer, Lord in everything i say and do i pray for sincerity and grace God, bring me back to You
eff i've never updated so much before D: it's gotta stop @@ like..really right?
hmm i've been reading the book karen sent me "lost women of the bible" and i just finished the chapter on sarah it had a couple interesting quotes.. but i think for the most part im still hoping for more enthusiasm or inspiration i guess in reading proverbs
i guess it just sounds like advice from a semi anonymous voice for now
i miss the gospels.. or the new testament in general maybe ill finally go through with reading hebrews with brian this summer?
i'm still seeking but im scared of the stand still almost a calm before a storm deal?
but i feel like i should be doing more preparing instead
.. jghdjhdff when do i get to slip up?? dern it i really want to.. or just may
i need to keep reminding myself why this is good for me even when it instead feels so much better -after- loopholes and breaches
i dont have to go back to day 0 do i?
..at this point i really just dont know what to do either just.. write my thank you cards dern it 15sh more to go..
..hm. just read a random note by dan na on fb.
Discerning Idolatry in Desire 12 Ways to Recognize the Rise of Covetousness
By John Piper
Most of us realize that enjoying anything other than God, from the best gift to the basest pleasure, can become idolatry. Paul says in Colossians 3:5, “Covetousness is idolatry.”
“Covetousness” means desiring something other than God in the wrong way. But what does that mean—“in the wrong way”?
The reason this matters is both vertical and horizontal. Idolatry will destroy our relationship with God. And it will destroy our relationships with people.
All human relational problems—from marriage and family to friendship to neighbors to classmates to colleagues—all of them are rooted in various forms of idolatry, that is, wanting things other than God in wrong ways.
So here is my effort to think biblically about what those wrong ways are. What makes an enjoyment idolatrous? What turns a desire into covetousness, which is idolatry?
1. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it is forbidden by God. For example, adultery and fornication and stealing and lying are forbidden by God. Some people at some times feel that these are pleasurable, or else we would not do them. No one sins out of duty. But such pleasure is a sign of idolatry.
2. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it is disproportionate to the worth of what is desired. Great desire for non-great things is a sign that we are beginning to make those things idols.
3. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it is not permeated with gratitude. When our enjoyment of something tends to make us not think of God, it is moving toward idolatry. But if the enjoyment gives rise to the feeling of gratefulness to God, we are being protected from idolatry. The grateful feeling that we don’t deserve this gift or this enjoyment, but have it freely from God’s grace, is evidence that idolatry is being checked.
4. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it does not see in God’s gift that God himself is more to be desired than the gift. If the gift is not awakening a sense that God, the Giver, is better than the gift, it is becoming an idol.
5. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it is starting to feel like a right, and our delight is becoming a demand. It may be that the delight is right. It may be that another person ought to give you this delight. It may be right to tell them this. But when all this rises to the level of angry demands, idolatry is rising. 6. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it draws us away from our duties. When we find ourselves spending time pursuing an enjoyment, knowing that other things, or people, should be getting our attention, we are moving into idolatry.
7. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it awakens a sense of pride that we can experience this delight while others can’t. This is especially true of delights in religious things, like prayer and Bible reading and ministry. It is wonderful to enjoy holy things. It idolatrous to feel proud that we can.
8. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it is oblivious or callous to the needs and desires of others. Holy enjoyment is aware of others’ needs and may temporarily leave a good pleasure to help another person have it. One might leave private prayer to be the answer to someone else’s.
9. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it does not desire that Christ be magnified as supremely desirable through the enjoyment. Enjoying anything but Christ (like his good gifts) runs the inevitable risk of magnifying the gift over the Giver. One evidence that idolatry is not happening is the earnest desire that this not happen.
10. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it is not working a deeper capacity for holy delight. We are sinners still. It is idolatrous to be content with sin. So we desire transformation. Some enjoyments shrink our capacities of holy joy. Others enlarge them. Some go either way, depending on how we think about them. When we don’t care if an enjoyment is making us more holy, we are moving into idolatry.
11. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when its loss ruins our trust in the goodness of God. There can be sorrow at loss without being idolatrous. But when the sorrow threatens our confidence in God, it signals that the thing lost was becoming an idol.
12. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when its loss paralyzes us emotionally so that we can’t relate lovingly to other people. This is the horizontal effect of losing confidence in God. Again: Great sorrow is no sure sign of idolatry. Jesus had great sorrow. But when desire is denied, and the effect is the emotional inability to do what God calls us to do, the warning signs of idolatry are flashing.
For myself and for you, I pray the admonition of 1 John 5:21, “Little children, keep yourselves from idols.”
..got it.
i don't get to slip up and those thank you cards deserve the effort of being written for each individual themselves not just for the thought of finishing them by an assignment deadline or a self-serving goal
if i miss something i should miss God more or realize, it's God, or some part or essence of Him that i'm missing in the first place and from there be comforted in knowing that God will never leave and has never left
"God's more awesome than I am"
and you probably have no idea
just how awesome -you- are to me for saying
and reminding me that
..so God must really, REALLY be awesome
i think i need to take care of myself not in a self-serving but in an honoring God's work in me sorta way
you wont fade but if i do i need to be okay with it and have faith that God's will or His presence Himself will be the one to take the place
i'm excited for opportunity
and for now
i'll refuse to fear change.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. " -Hebrews 12:1-2
i think i need to take the time to acknowledge and realize just how much i really am surrounded by such amazing people
ray's post on sin..really..set some things right for me confirmed and reaffirmed decisions encouraged and struck the very necessary chord of reality and the fear that comes with that
dan's post stopped my whining =x
in a good way though
that reminded me that something like this
is too God-given of a blessing
to allow to become an idol
and thanks to gabe
im listening to 'God of this city'
and remembering not to be too lazy to think haha
and also remembering that i actually
really really enjoy it =]
marni still calls
and is someone i can go to for prayer
and lets me into her life
and witnesses to me in the way she lives it
dorothy's walk has been really nice to be able to listen to too =]
and just now woke up to realize i never got to hear/tell the ending
i guess that's the last of those Pablo updates ; ;
the chronicles must have been meant to stay a secret legend afterall
i was also a bit of a stalker today--mostly cuz i was told not to be were those chocolate chip pancakes?
the girl who took them was on my floor freshman year she was actually the first girl i met/sorta made friends with in davis =x we met in the bathroom haha and tried being friends
but people are different i guess? and i floated some random direction elsewhere
i just realized the computer games we were playing on their laptop today were the same kind of games my friends used to play freshmen year too chuzzle? and that one insane aquarium fish tank game?
its so weird to think but makes enough sense that that was three years ago and so much in the beginning of some place i never thought i'd be now
eff, im not even officially a senior yet and im already reminiscing =x
but yeahh..those were my friends and im happy that somehow we're all still friends again now even with one of em where things got kinda awkward (water bottle throwing) and coulda semi ended on a better, less 'we're not friends anymore' note
but for some reason even now when we see each other he'll crack the same jokes be the same jerk and i'll respond the same way and laugh just as much as before because we somehow still both know its still too borderline offensive (eep) or ridiculous to not be funny
so..its almost the same when he and i see each other but also...hm not the same when we dont and the almost makes a big, unsure, difference of a new wall that's been built for both safety, and protection and forgiveness on both ends
...i hope there won't be any walls this time
i dont know what id do if there were
i think i still haven't figured out
what any of this really means yet
or why it feels the way it does
right now that wall is distance
while we put things back together i guess
on the other side?
i hope you'll leave room for me
but not enough that would leave so much space
that would end up feeling empty
God fills every space, doesn't He?
and makes sure things fall into place everywhere else
i wonder where that place will be for me?
..or vice versa.
hm..
i cant wait to see michelle again <3
and share stories
and hear thoughts
and share my own rambly ones
and hope--and know
you're out there sharing yours
lets keep..letting people in
you're right about ..well..a lot of things
and i wanna take that advice
of encouraging, and sharing
and building each other up
and sharing that gift we were given
as an example or reference
of how to love on other people around us
baby steps <3>
it matters
and not just to you
but to the other person too
it's always worth it to try..in this case isn't it?
i'm still--and will--be praying
=]
wherever we are
is wherever God's put us for now
which means He's decided that for now
wherever we are
for this, at least,
for now
is good enough
and exactly
where we need to be
not necessarily a level of or standard,
accomplishment, or location
but just..
near Him
seeking Him
pursuing
and in love with
always
=]
im glad its okay to miss people im glad i hate it but would miss the feeling if it was gone
i still feel like the sunsets you're watching are happening elsewhere somewhere farther than it really is and beyond what i can see from whats blocked off by these houses surrounding a park with yellow benches
i wonder when you'll get tired of reading these thoughts?
i wonder how i never get tired of hearing yours
i wonder if that was okay for me to say =x
or something i was supposed to keep to myself
cuz feelings are for girls
and pansies
but i guess
im not in freshman year anymore
..
and its okay to be a girl or admit to be a pansy
cuz there are people here who'll love me now anyway
and take care of me when i need to be either and enjoy me when i'm caught between the two
he sat on my lap and watched the screen diligently while the grown ups sang karaoke
and as soon as the score popped up
without fail
he'll put his arms above his head
and start clapping and cheering
and will look back at me for support
till i'll start clapping and cheering too <3
ehehe <3
im such a stalker
aaron stopped sitting next to me when i kept trying to take his picture
(YOUR fault, you said you wanted pictures!)
so i set the camera down on the table and told him i wasn't taking any
turned the flash off
and took a couple anyway =x
SO cute
even when he's pouty/angry at me
so movie night plans were cancelled
cuz instead we decided to eat popcorn/cheeze puffs
and drink hot chocolate
then play...
bedtime story pictionary! =D
this is what andrew did when i told him i was trying to take a CANDID picture
and not to look at me last minute pops up and goes
=D =D =D !!
what a punk
i love him xD
introducing the visual representation of our infamous cast <3>
to your left is Maria the Weiner (OR Wiener like Alex said its spelled) Princess (by alex)
then prototype sketch of Pablo 1, with a ruffly shirt, sombrero, and black pants (by ming ming)
and prototype sketch of Pablo 2, with a poncho, sombrero, and burns (by me..i added the mustache in just cuz i could)
Pablo the Ugly Hotdog
cuz of his bitemark and burns he hides with a sombrero
then our favorite
derrek the contrary marshmallow
he has no legs
(thats what he's dreaming of btw)
this masterpiece by ming ming
is a close up of maria the wiener princess
and two of her servants
who carry her around in a canopy bed
they're saying "hup 2, 3, 4...hup 2, 3, 4.."
so in our story we left off last night
our heroes were tired of the fridge life
and decided to try out a life at sea
they crossed a giant leg that fell from the sky
and used it as a bridge into a boat
but then they were like
wait
"Pablo? I didn't know you had a boat?"
"I don't."
"Then...whose boat is this?"
And out came three menacing shadows of the boat owner!
the PEACH PIRATES
Captain Hook,
Blackbeard,
And No Beard
"Who dares step foot on our ship?!!?"
Then out of nowhere, Shooka
their whale from the last story
Drove by again in her tiny car
going left
right
left
right
left
right
But it wasnt a car this time!
It was...a tank
So she blew up the ship
(We still don't know why)
Pablo and his friends got on the lifeboat
and somehow Maria's servants followed after in a canoe
and the pirates were like
"Save uuusss!!
We can't swim! We're only peaches!"
"With beards!"
"Some of us!"
When they got back to shore, they found Hawaii! A hotel that was really one of Ming ming's doll houses And the giant leg from before made a guest appearance and scared off a carrot
Another guest appearance is their pig It comes with a theme song btw They saw it on tv and it goes after people whenever they mention eating pork
Themesong: "He's a pig, he's a pig, he's an ANGRY pig! He's a pig, he's a pig, he's an ANGRY pig! Don't let him catch you eating pork or pork by produuuucts!" (To be sang in a British accent--I'm not even kidding you)
He's on a handglider in that pic I think Responding to the batpig signal (just like the bat signal) on the hotel its a piece of ham crossed out ham with batwings btw Don't ask I didn't
Story pictionary takes a lot more time and effort than regular pictionary So we ended/to be continued early after this third part This is our heroes (and maria's servants) sleeping in the hotel
Maria is dreaming of jewels and crowns I guess Pablo is dreaming of being Super Pablo and Derik is dreaming of ...himself With giant woman legs >> and a crowd of other weiners going "YAY Derik's legs!"
And the servants at the corner Are dreaming of themselves in princess outfits Similar to maria's...
reading and praying thank you notes emails and friday with kids
little did i know that friday with kids means kids are allowed to play video games which means kids are equivalent to priya when she leaves me forever and a day at a time for tetris
to make it worse, one of the games they played was called "diner dash" and was coincidentally a lot a LOT a lot like restaurant city dern you technology for taking my friends
i watched for five minutes and almost got pulled in
i feel like i should have blocked names like i said i would by now but i think im more of a stalker than i thought and i just end up looking at it a lot =/ eff
no slipping means no slipping but i think i need more help on focusing it feels almost isolated
i love it here, and my little cousins make my life but at the same time it still feels farther away than it really is
i almost..or sorta shared with my gramma's sister today. i realized the weight of the word 'apathy' and how tricky it is just because i -am- close to my family, doesn't make it any less urgent to find an opportunity to share because these things get so easily brushed aside for something else
i dont want to take credit for my own morals, or decisions or even the good, or things they feel proud of me for i feel like i've done nothing myself, really just..prayed..? and even then, not often enough
i'm thankful, but still scared i trust, but that doesn't keep me from running away i always limit miracles as if i must be on my last ones
after all the ones He's granted me already in everyday life in everyday people in every day
He's allowed me to live and love
it was mentioned in a devotional once something about making sure to focus your gratitude towards God and value Him, and not the gifts He's given you and how it's easy to make an idol of the gifts we've been given as if they're anywhere near the real thing Himself
apathy
i don't want to not take the opportunity to go deeper
when my aunt picks up one of my books and asks about "respectable sins"
i don't want to let a simple question pass by
like, "what are you reading?"
without answering the question of -why-
i don't want to just sit here
and shrug off opportunities to share
thinking they should be meant for someone else
and that i'm only here to be an example
rather than voicing the reason
and name
for the example i'm supposedly trying to be of
i miss my lil brother
he texted me a couple days ago,
and i havent been able to call back
my sister and i have been able to talk a little
and its nice to be the one she's able to go to
but i feel like i fail on that
a lot
i think i've always been afraid of taking people for granted
and not being able to follow through and be the person they need or want me to be
other people have told me before, you can't be everything to everyone
but what do you do when theres so much need
but so little left to give
i guess thats where God comes in..
and the prayer for bigger hearts..for His strength
i think its a better place
to be realizing a struggle with love
cuz we're all struggling
just more and less aware
and on different levels
my grandma's sister said she was mormon
she told me a little about being confused about catholicism
and stopping going to church
she told me a little about being condemned by people in other religions
who say that because of what she believes in, she'll sink with the rest of the world
when it all turns to dust and flames
in my (as you've heard) broken tagalog, i tried to tell her
about Jesus..the differences...what I agreed and didn't agree with
and a little about being confused myself before
but i knew so little about mormonism
and kinda so did she
she just knew rules they were told
of what they could or couldn't do
she knew how it was the same
but not how it was different
and i was..at a loss for words
literally and otherwise =x
cuz she had to go to get ready to leave
and this would be my only conversation about religion with her
and i still just felt like a kid
who was being listened to like listening to a kid
with a hobby, or a way of doing things, or preference
and there wasn't..enough weight
or urgency
or convincing urgency, in the difference between the two
because i really..just..didn't know what i was disagreeing with
thats how much apathy there's been
all in the guise of openmindedness and acceptance
and i mean, both of those things are still good
but i think it makes my own truth less convincing
as i try to be
as accepting
and accepted as i could possibly be
but in that way still somehow put myself first..
i wish there would have been a way to convey
something greater, like truth
or a truth
something not just practiced
but believed in
not just promised
but lived
i'm feeling a little older
(maybe just cuz i've recently felt like a total mom)
and at the same time a little farther
i don't want to be so caught up in life
that i'll forget how to live it
and who to be living it for
i still miss you..
but i almost don't want to.
what happens when the inside jokes run out?
and the stories get old?
and even the funny stuff
starts getting boring?
and memories old
get replaced with new
it's barely a hundred days
its less than three
its less than three
days
what keeps people apart?
what keeps them together?
what brings them together in the first place?
what keeps a person
from being just
another person?
i think i'm just scared
and dont want to be the one left behind
while the other person stops missing me first.
God is constant.
God is good.
sometimes i really
just don't know what i'm doing..
wasn't this supposed to be so i'd forget about you?
i think loopholes may have been what officially made my day today <3
i've decided i'm going to watch the sunset tomorrow. and might even sit on a yellow bench to do it. (eff, can you even see the sunset from there?)
or maybe i'll lose track of time?
this may be the first time
in a while
that i've been able to just..
breathe in time
i sleep in, i eat, i read
i play, i read some more
tell stories
and hear lots of them in return
i made curry with the kids today <3
and played apples to apples. =]
it was like having three mini assistants they helped me peel the potatoes and the carrots
one of my few random wishes while i'm here is still for a third hand
so when we go to the store, or cross the street,
it'll be easier to hold onto all three of them instead of two of them
rotating over and over to take each other's place on one
andrew has permanent dibs on my left hand
he doesn't seem to like to share but he's still a punk <3
i'll tell him not to let go
or else i'll get super lost and not know where to go
and he'll nod like he's been given a super awesome strict mission
hold on tight
then..
let go D:
for ten seconds
just to watch me flail about
"andrew?! AAGGHH where am i?!?! noo!"
**bumps into shelves and wanders around in circles*
before laughing and grabbing my hand again going
"im right here!!"
oh! and i won the game btw >> eff letting kids win just cuz they're kids this is the real world "apples to apples juniors" no mercy
so supposedly the green cards at the end describe you?
alex is careful andrew is quick and playful
ming ming is long and miserable
(ahahaha--and YES, i did SO make fun of her for it
"..but i'm shorter than most the people in my class...;_;"-mm)
and im dainty, harmful, busy, and enjoyable
D:
the word i won with for "harmful" was "girlfriends" btw
just thought i should warn them at an early age =x
..i've never checked a person's blog so much in my life
D: i blame albert. somehow. i just do.
i've been trying to get into proverbs..
it's going a lil slow at first
but i feel like wisdom should be what i'm looking for the most right now
i've finally been able to take some time to read those books for womens ministry stuff that karen virtue sent me..it's taken a while but they're definitely worth the read. =] i get to read em during my lil cousin's hw time right after school, so they do their hw and i get to journal or read a book. (don't tell them but i've secretly been adding +five mins to Andrew's 20 mins of daily reading time a day for the past three days...). they're so patient with me..
i think i've realized that their fave part of the day might be bedtime stories time cuz its like..the one time of day where they can, not only get my full full full attention..but have the spotlight focused completely on them too.
all day its kind of a balance
of equal amounts of hugs,
hand holds,
high fives,
and tasks
conversations
contemplating silly things, little things, big things
things they wonder
things they know
things they want to know
things they already know
but just want a response
to affirm that someone else is listening
then story time comes
and they get their turn to say whatever they want
add in whatever they want
and whatever they choose to say or happen
instantly is real, and permanent
and they've made their mark on something
that's going to be memorable for sure
its tricky..cuz..you have to add in enough to be interesting
but you need to be subtle enough to be upstaged, every time
but out there enough that they're not scared of adding anything too out there
i dunno..im kinda just rambling now
but the point iis..
story time is awesome
these kids are awesome
i'm amazed at the things that come out of their mouths
the things they say, and do
the way they reach out
and the difference from when they're too shy to
to when they know it's okay to
and when they've settled that they wont have to let go
-"...Ming ming, we haven't even started yet. All the ingredients are still in their bags."
-"Oh..well..it still all smells so good! "
-"..It doesn't smell like anything."
-"Yeah, it does~ **Big sniff* Mmm..it smells like...cheeese!! ^___^ "
-"..dgjhfulufghnjhn WE'RE NOT EVEN USING CHEESE"
**rightful tickling punishment as she flees the scene squealing*
"Ate Hannah?
I think I got salmonella on my leg."-Andrew
"Wow! It looks so good!"
"It looks like a brown chocolate chunk floating on a pool of butter."
"Well--it looks good!"
"Yeah?"
"Hmm..wait now it doesn't look so good."
"I think it looks like..**whisper whisper*"
"Whats that?"
". . ."
"I think it looks like..brown..and..chunky.."
"...I see. Well I--"
"Andrew just said it looks like poo!!"
"Who said poo?!"
"He did!"
"I did!"
"No I didn't!"
"You dont say 'poo' in the kitcheeeennn..!! sdfngndkgnjk"
**more terrified fleeing of children*
"What do we do while we wait for the cookies to bake?"
". . ."
"We...DANCE!"
**Alex makes the background techno-ish humming music kinda like the 6 flags commercial (someone needs to teach this kid to beatbox since he's already kinda good at it) while dancing like the robot, andrew and i tango across the floor, and ming ming tries to show us how to do the credit card in response to me later trying to show them how to do the sprinkler and shopping cart*
"Have you guys ever heard of a pi-zookie...?"
"Hey..what if we replaced the z..with a t..."
"What do you mean? Then it'd be..a..pi-tookie...? Er..what's a pit--"
**alex and andrew both turn around shaking their butts*
". . . You should realize now that these are the stories I'll embarass you with later, you know that?"
" ???"
"What..?"
"=D Nothing. <3"
I found out they can only watch tv on weekends, so we made up our own.
"This is the--Andrew is eating his broccoli channel!" "Yeahh! Woooo! **clap clap clap clap clap*" "..." **Andrew forces down and sits there chewing half a broccoli before uncomfortably..
"..Can we change the channel now?"
"Why are there so many Sammy channels?!"
"Your turn ming ming~"
"A commercial! Order now--and you can get teh Andrew is eating his broccoli DVD SET!"
"A set?!"
"Seasons 1, 2, 3, AND 4!"
"How are there so many seasons?"
"Well..season 1 is him eating the baby carrots...season two is white rice...season three is drinking water..and season 4 is him eating the broccoli"
"..It's like I have no choice but to get the whole pack if I want to feel like my life is complete."
"Order now! At 888....88..88! =D"
"Now for the Ate Hannah channel!"
"...Er**more random group dancing while alex does the 6 flags theme song*
"Alex?"
"This one is rated M for mature."
"?"
"......**straight face straight face straight face--GRAAWWRRGGHHH!! scary face*"
"...D: Change the channel."
And we even had our fair share of philosophical discussions
"No, no, didn't you know? It's true! Right, Ming ming? Girls don't fart or use the bathroom.."
"Then what do girls do?"
"They..fart flowers...and poo cupcakes."
"Wait what do boys do?"
"Smell bad."
"But wait what about when girls burp?"
"...Awesome. They burp Awesome."
"So here are the top things to do when you're bored!
1. Play with Ate Hannah!
2. Take hair our of your comb!"
"..Well I BETTER be higher up there than taking hair our of your comb"
" Three! Count your eyelashes!"
"sjlkfhndg What!?"
"Noo, wait! Two is bake cookies!"
"Noo, bake cookies is three!"
"Two can be bake cookies WITH Ate Hannah!"
"Counting your eyelashes can be fifty..."
"But four can still be taking hair out of your comb!"
"...Are you guys serious? xD"
"Ate Hannah? How do you know if a goldfish is a boy or a girl?"
"Mm, well. You ask it~"
"But..fish don't usually talk."
"That just means they're shy. Then you just wait to see which restroom they go into, the boys room or the girls room."
"...But what if they don't have their glasses on and go into the wrong one?"
"..Seriously? I just told you about talking fish and restrooms--and you're worried about if it has its glasses on?! FISH DONT EVEN WEAR GLASSSES gjdkfgmndkf;gnd"
**More laughing, more tickling, more ridiculous-ing.*
And today concluded the three part saga to
Pablo & his friends go to Tokyo: The Legend of the Ninja Princess
I dont know how we'd top that one..
and already we've been discussing what place Pablo should visit next
my aunt says i'm pretty good with kids...
but is worried i'll end up an old maid =x
Nabi knows me way too well <3>
And summer with Yuki is relaxing too n n
Michelle is still in Alaska
Priya I keep assuming is busy with family/
getting ready for India if not already there
and i keep wishing i could ask about current thoughts
hear stories
and share spending time with my lil cousins
and just get to hang out like we were supposed to..
hmm..
my aunt is still pretty hilarious--
she's obsessed with and made me watch twilight with her today
and my uncle confided in me today that the two opposing players on their wii tennis has made it personal =x
he says he knows theyre just computer players
but they seem to have caught onto all of his moves--
and look!
how they put question marks on themselves to begin with
aaron and nicholas (niko!) <3 age..what? 6? and um...3 or 4?
aaron was so nice to me at first, we played house, and he and i drank pretend coffee and went to bed and even showered and took the bus together well actually, he decided we were driving a car and went .. "hey--youre not driving!" when i was pretending to try to steer with him
and i just picked niko up a couple times and carried him around but it ended up that when i put him down he didn't wanna be set down again <3 and followed me around the rest of the evening =]
clinging to my leg whenever he wanted to swing around again whenever i sat down he'd find me then sit right on my lap
aaron and i played house at first--yeah then i went from being spider girl to the bad guy =x and he seriously would lock me up then to add to my defeat, always just left me there right after and sat around to watch pretend tv again and i was like . . . now what and would escape and repeat the chase
he got mad at me a lil in the end when i tried to take a pic of him and he said no =x but we reconciled when i helped him try to catch this cat in the living room and i barely touched it and it seriously went HISSSSS and jfdgdjgh at us and we both ran off screaming
their mom was like, wow i think i found a new babysitter and then my aunt goes D: im warning you about her every time she comes over, my kids forget i exist =x
hm.. oh!
i tried to introduce mario and luigi the leafblower men
into popcorn story time today
but their presence was short lived..
cuz right after their dramatic giggly entrance at my turn
andrew's turn involved a random giant pinata
falling out of the sky
right on top of them
...
and opening up to release the sushi ninja army
(even if i tried to explain, it still wouldnt make much sense)
i heart these kids so much <3
and you're right
(thats right its direct)
i should be focusing my energies on these things instead..
thanks for bringing me back to the things that matter
when itd be easier to want to be what i dwelled on instead
maybe today's slip up will help me last longer than a day without
im a few steps closer to finding my own bible.
and tomorrow for sure i bake cookies with my baby cousins.
i got a message from michelle which totally brightened my day
and ive now got the fun task of loopholes and secret messages to look forward to all summer
A thousand times I've failed Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again Still I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
Your will above ALL else My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing You praise
Everlasting, our light will shine when all else fades Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul
I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades Never ending Your glory goes beyond all fame And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise From the inside out
and my first thought was you better not just be saying this just because it sounds like the right thing to say D:
but if i think about it
it's not really something you can just say on your own will--
even if on the surface its our own habits or human intentions trying to put these words into our own self-serving action--even deeper, is the source, and that's God. God's the one that instilled these words in us. The one that first taught them to us. And that can be above even our own sincerity of the words sometimes--the fact that they're true, that is. Truth weighs over even our own feelings. Whether we feel joy, or fear, or nervous, or doubtful, prideful, insincere, or insecure about it...it doesn't make it any less true. Truth will still stand. At least, our truth. His truth.
Which kinda tied into our main verse of the day for CCF at UCC today:
"the fear of the Lord, is the beginning of wisdom."-proverbs 1:7
With fear can come the acknowledgment of something we're afraid of as real Or bordering an extent of reality or possibility that would or could change everything Respecting His truth, I guess. Putting the proper amount of weight in it. Once we realize something is real, it takes effect on us as reality would.
edit 6/10
i guess what it comes down to is.. God is real make HIS word His decision His opinion, desire, purpose--count
The last word belongs to Him
and we need to acknowledge appreciate respect and celebrate that.
in the end that should be our biggest source of comfort
but tonight God brought me back to things that still for sure make sense:
-i love peaches, they're kind of amazing <3 -i still like running, as long as its at my own slow old lady pace -yuki is patient with the spillage of my life -nabi loves on and cares about my life -gracie makes me smile and lena's amazing -priya is my friend, and i'm foreverly incredibly blessed by that -wendi is an amazing sister in christ <3 -tim, mike, cindy and amy came by even tho they already ate dinner -gabe, ray, and mason came by even tho they had small group -yvonne also already had dinner--but she brought cupcakes, omgsh <3 - brian let me use his still unopened super special deck of cards -scott has tarot cards. that's funny -jennifers so sweet =] -mike broke his old gf's leg once while dancing -and tim probably needs a hug -peter is awesome, whatever the situation -today is alwin's official last tuesday of instruction -and everyone's dealing with good times and bad
-i still have a lot to learn
God does amazing things.
God made people and.. God made time
And time doesn't have to be something against us.
Cuz no matter what, that's still what God's filling with the lessons we have to learn
