today will be

reading
and praying
thank you notes
emails
and friday with kids



little did i know that friday with kids
means kids are allowed to play video games
which means kids are equivalent to priya
when she leaves me forever and a day at a time
for tetris

to make it worse,
one of the games they played was called "diner dash"
and was coincidentally a lot a LOT a lot like restaurant city
dern you technology for taking my friends




i watched for five minutes and almost got pulled in




i feel like i should have blocked names like i said i would by now
but i think im more of a stalker than i thought
and i just end up looking at it
a lot =/
eff

no slipping means no slipping
but i think i need more help on focusing
it feels almost isolated

i love it here, and my little cousins make my life
but at the same time
it still feels farther away than it really is

i almost..or sorta shared with my gramma's sister today.
i realized the weight of the word 'apathy' and how tricky it is
just because i -am- close to my family,
doesn't make it any less urgent to find an opportunity to share
because these things get so easily brushed aside for something else




i dont want to take credit for my own morals, or decisions
or even the good, or things they feel proud of me for
i feel like i've done nothing myself, really
just..prayed..?
and even then, not often enough

i'm thankful, but still scared
i trust, but that doesn't keep me from running away
i always limit miracles
as if i must be on my last ones

after all the ones He's granted me already
in everyday life
in everyday people
in every day

He's allowed me to live
and love



it was mentioned in a devotional once
something about making sure to focus your gratitude towards God
and value Him, and not the gifts He's given you
and how it's easy to make an idol of the gifts we've been given
as if they're anywhere near the real thing Himself




apathy



i don't want to not take the opportunity to go deeper

when my aunt picks up one of my books and asks about "respectable sins"

i don't want to let a simple question pass by

like, "what are you reading?"

without answering the question of -why-

i don't want to just sit here

and shrug off opportunities to share

thinking they should be meant for someone else

and that i'm only here to be an example

rather than voicing the reason

and name

for the example i'm supposedly trying to be of

i miss my lil brother

he texted me a couple days ago,

and i havent been able to call back

my sister and i have been able to talk a little

and its nice to be the one she's able to go to

but i feel like i fail on that

a lot

i think i've always been afraid of taking people for granted

and not being able to follow through and be the person they need or want me to be

other people have told me before, you can't be everything to everyone

but what do you do when theres so much need

but so little left to give

i guess thats where God comes in..

and the prayer for bigger hearts..for His strength

i think its a better place

to be realizing a struggle with love

cuz we're all struggling

just more and less aware

and on different levels

my grandma's sister said she was mormon

she told me a little about being confused about catholicism

and stopping going to church

she told me a little about being condemned by people in other religions

who say that because of what she believes in, she'll sink with the rest of the world

when it all turns to dust and flames

in my (as you've heard) broken tagalog, i tried to tell her

about Jesus..the differences...what I agreed and didn't agree with

and a little about being confused myself before

but i knew so little about mormonism

and kinda so did she

she just knew rules they were told

of what they could or couldn't do

she knew how it was the same

but not how it was different

and i was..at a loss for words

literally and otherwise =x

cuz she had to go to get ready to leave

and this would be my only conversation about religion with her

and i still just felt like a kid

who was being listened to like listening to a kid

with a hobby, or a way of doing things, or preference

and there wasn't..enough weight

or urgency

or convincing urgency, in the difference between the two

because i really..just..didn't know what i was disagreeing with

thats how much apathy there's been

all in the guise of openmindedness and acceptance

and i mean, both of those things are still good

but i think it makes my own truth less convincing

as i try to be

as accepting

and accepted as i could possibly be

but in that way still somehow put myself first..

i wish there would have been a way to convey

something greater, like truth

or a truth

something not just practiced

but believed in

not just promised

but lived

i'm feeling a little older

(maybe just cuz i've recently felt like a total mom)

and at the same time a little farther

i don't want to be so caught up in life

that i'll forget how to live it

and who to be living it for

i still miss you..

but i almost don't want to.

what happens when the inside jokes run out?

and the stories get old?

and even the funny stuff

starts getting boring?

and memories old

get replaced with new

it's barely a hundred days

its less than three

its less than three

days

what keeps people apart?

what keeps them together?

what brings them together in the first place?

what keeps a person

from being just

another person?

i think i'm just scared

and dont want to be the one left behind

while the other person stops missing me first.

God is constant.

God is good.

sometimes i really

just don't know what i'm doing..

wasn't this supposed to be so i'd forget about you?

today happened

today was planned

today wasn't

isn't

but will be

...even if it's not always according to plan

and no matter what

it'll he His day

for sure.