"you are not a perfect woman." --and i am not a perfect man.

i guess it would be
the -opposite- of a clean slate
for me to
look back and re-notice/re-read
my "gripped with fear"/purple marker entry
and inwardly
kinda
recoil a lil
to realize
that someone wanted me to feel like that
on purpose

and then im left to reassessing again
the concept of grace
and the parts of my life
where im probably lacking in
or too afraid
or had been
or are
too immature
to give it

and i keep wondering
which of these reasons
are valid?
which are
necessary?

when is it a
lack of trust fear
of God taking care of me
in uncomfortable
situations

or when is it
a 'healthy' fear
of..."actually, lets not jump off this 15 story building,
because that will hurt =D"

when am i
taking care of myself
self righteously, and in fear and lack of trust
in other people
or in God

and when am i
trying to take care of myself
to protect my heart
and respect
the boundaries
God has given me
and the person
He has made me
to be

in reference to the title of the post...

i keep thinking of when eddie told me in india when he was hungry
and i paused then replied instantly and told him
all the ways we could solve that problem
offered something from my purse, thought of all food places we had passed
and calculated how much time there would be till the next possible meal

and he paused also and said
he didn't want me to necessarily come up with a solution
he just wanted to tell me how he was feeling

and i told him--well..you give me a problem,
and ill try to come up with a solution for it

im trying to meet you halfway here,
thats how guys do it right?
give me a problem and ill try to solve it
..like a guy

and he said..no..i didnt want a solution
i just..wanted you to listen to me
i wanted to tell you..how i was feeling

"....like a girl?"

and he paused
then
yes...like a girl.

hahaha i didnt let him live it down =D

but it did make me think tho.


i wonder if how much of this is me,
needing to realize
or struggling with not wanting to be
the 'perfect man'

and taking the chance to
be..a woman? haha
but im obviously not perfect at it either.
man D:

im supposed to let people take care of me

ive been spoiled for a very, very long time

my parents are super affectionate,
my friends are there for me
priya almost babies me haha
and im not asking to be, btw

but like..
im..kind of spoiled. and have been, i think
with people who care about me
and show it
are willing to nurture my needs
meet my needs before i ask them
meet my needs even when im too afraid to ask them

dorothy offered to buy my cough drops today
when she found out i might be sick
and priya does lil things for me to huge things for me
and helps me and offers to, and is an amazing friend
in just being very considerate of me

michelle worries about me, and has gotten mad for me
that means something too

in general...friend interactions
with head pats, and hugs
and nudges, and shoves
and insults from all the way
across the room

i just..feel very acknowledged

yuki and nabi
give and give and give
because those are two friendships i definitely feel more like i receive from
they give me time, and are patient
and listen
and i have to do nothing back
but to be who i am
and like them for who they are--which, i do
without trying

these are precious people to me

my lil brother believes in me
and so does my sister

...
i feel like ive been surrounded
by this much love
for so long

i mean granted, ive had my fair share of disappointments
everyone has, yeah. no one's perfect

but it just..
feels like so much
constancy

God's constancy, yes

just..security

..and im afraid
of if ill be able to
feel that or not
or trust, or rightfully
expect that
in...this
from...this.

i want it to be fun
i want it to be easy
comfortable
sure

..is it ever?


im too scared to
rely on another person
in that way


..but in theory, i shouldn't, right?
not fully, or not first

but how fair is it
if i dont know
if i can feel it
or expect it
at all?

am i just scared?

when am i
healthy fearing a "15 story jump from a building"
a clearly unwise decision

and when am i just
being too scared to let go
of my own self made security
and hold onto God's?

..=/
i really
dont want to jump off a 15 story building

i think i need to stop talking to myself now @@