organized mess

i've been hiding

behind color coded highlighters
metallic markers, dividers
to do lists, and deadlines

i've been
folding worn clothes

i've been
avoiding manga

only to replace the wasted time
updating myself on the life
of people
who aren't
my friends

(no offense, philip wang
im sure you'd be a lovely down time buddy.
tell ted congrats for me.
and nothing personal, nigahiga.
we'll always have paris.)

and i get this text
and another text
and another
and another
from d

none other.

i never called him d, btw
but my phone seems to compel me to do so

"haha. if only life were still that easy."

we were talking about
turkey grams,
loving sheep,
and unrequited prepubescent love
(prepubescent as in before he got his beard
and around the time i first
started aspiring
for mine)

we talked about
washing our flour stained hands
in the pouring rain
and bidding goodbye
to a short lived friendship
with an orange rubber face
and yellow yarn hair

"...if only life were still that easy."

...and i realize
that these adventures
i look to now
laugh with
as if they laughed with
me directly
and their jokes
were meant
for me
to hear

i realize these misadventures
of ridiculous things
over the top
all or nothings
outside voices
and unstifled
stomach aching
sore in the cheeks
laughter

that i watch others have
from my living room couch
or within bedroom walls


...i used to have
before

..i miss telling stories, dear

i miss feeling like
'dear'
was for old people

i miss feeling too shy
and hesitating
before trying to convincingly utter the words
"dear"

i miss
a lot of things.

wall 3:
time

i dont trust God with my time
i don't trust God,
to take care of things
or let me fully
fully have fun
and 'waste time'
the right
way

i miss weekends
not feeling so limited
like a weekly endeavor
i look forward to
only to get there
and begin the count down
of when its
going to end

i miss my weekends
not being limited
to weekends

i miss adventures
misadventures

and wearing rainboots
and long socks

and cutting my hair

without being scared
that itll make me look
less feminine
...but rather
celebrating that
instead

...hm

celebrating

i miss celebrating

i miss dresses

i miss not
trying to read
someones mind

or waiting for them
to read
mine

i miss laughing

and talking for hours
about absolutely nothing
at all

and making memories of it < 3

wont you take me seriously...?
im tired of trying to be

cuz i know
i seriously
always
am

let's play.

maybe God said
it'd be okay for us to
...even if just
for a day.

i want to trust that God
and His eternity
is bigger
and better
than these measly minutes
i try to salvage in my hands
like sand
slipping through
my clumsy
3 yr old
fingers

i dont want to take myself seriously anymore
i want...others to remember to
without me needing to remind them

and i want them to be serious
and stop being so serious already
in response

and i want to
take God
more seriously
than i take myself

i know He'll make more sense than i will.